Thank you for your response to my post 10 Things You Should Know Before You Kill Yourself and for sharing your situation with me. You are not alone in facing such terrible circumstances, I get emails like yours several times a week.
There is no instruction manual for inhabiting you, no shortcut, no finished product I can emulate. All I have is an organic mess that requires embodiment and a relationship.
My earliest memory has been grafted on to my mind like a branch on to a tree. There is no way I could remember my first moments of life, nor the day, thirteen days later when I was adopted.
Love is difficult when we first fall in love– when we don’t know what the future might hold — and it is the most exciting. Difficult love reminds us that some things are worth fighting for. And it makes us appreciate the easier times because they are fleeting.
I’ve been thinking about the concept of unconditional love and transparency in a relationship. What if there was a workable alternative to monogamy that nurtured everyone involved rather than destroyed them?
It is no secret that I struggle to meditate. I’ve tried to establish a practice over and over again and still I don’t enjoy sitting and emptying my mind. It doesn’t bring me any joy or clarity — it just bores or frustrates me.
It’s that niggling worry at the back of your mind you don’t talk about. The nightmares you have about death and dying. You try to imagine what it will feel like if (when?) something really bad happens to you.
It was OK to lie about my transgressions and continue in the church, but once I admitted I enjoyed sex and refused to follow the path of repentance and future abstinence I was asked to leave — labelled as a ‘backslider’.
Part of me realises that being in love means that my heart will get broken one day. We’ll either break up or one of us will die leaving the other behind. It’s a pain waiting for me somewhere off in the future.