Thank you for your response to my post 10 Things You Should Know Before You Kill Yourself and for sharing your situation with me. You are not alone in facing such terrible circumstances, I get emails like yours several times a week.
I used to respond to such stories about the kind of pain and trauma you’re going through with words of encouragement, reminding you that things will get better. But you know, most of the time, I secretly wondered if some lives weren’t worth living… If you’re trying to convince me you have a valid reason to end your life, you might be right. But before you rush off to buy a gun, a rope, or a gas bottle, please hear me out.
The thing is, the very fact you are looking for ways to ‘kill yourself in your sleep’ or ‘commit suicide without pain’ suggests there is a part of you that wants relief, that wants peace, that just wants the overwhelming hopeless days to stop. You don’t want any more pain, you want to be free.
Paradoxically, killing yourself can’t give you peace or relief — it is a painful, traumatic, violent business — a price that is far too high to pay when there is an alternative.
If you don’t have the right friends or the proper education; if you hate your job; if your marriage is in a shambles; if your bills are mounting; if you have convinced yourself people would be better off without you — if you find yourself stuck in the middle of a nightmare you would have never chosen for yourself, you can end it.
All you need to do is put a change of clothes in a bag and walk out the door. Keep walking and don’t look back. You don’t have to leave a note, tie up loose ends, or explain to anyone what you’re doing. When you get to a place where no one knows you – you can change your name, reinvent yourself and choose whatever kind of life you want.
Your new life might be better than the one you have now, it might even be worse making what you had before seem not so bad, but it will be a life where you’ve taken charge.
Of course, you will hurt the people you leave behind who won’t be able to comprehend how you could just leave them, but this pain will be nothing like the pain they would feel if you were dead. I would much rather my husband had run away to another city, or another country, than seeing the image of his cold, lifeless body every time I close my eyes. Anything is better than that … anything.
If your life sucks, end it — not by killing yourself but by walking away. Leave the loneliness, the guilt, the sadness behind you and set off into the unknown. It might not be easy, but it will give you the relief you’re searching for.
And send me a postcard when you get there …