In the first week after my husband’s death, I tried to break up with my boyfriend nine times. Every time the conversation went like this.
Me: I’m such a mess since my husband died and I wasn’t even in love with him. I can’t stand the thought of losing someone I’m in love with so I’m going to break up with you before it’s too late.
Boyfriend: Ah… no.
Part of me realises that being in love means my heart will get broken one day. We’ll either break up or one of us will die leaving the other behind. It’s a pain waiting for me somewhere off in the future.
But I’m OK with that now. The difference love makes to my life every single day is worth the eventual pain of loss.
There is always loss — parents, partners, friends, pets and possibly our children. The only way to stay away from the pain is to never love at all.
I give you permission to break my heart because when I’m willing to risk everything, I give myself permission to experience the brightness and light of deep connection with another human being.
I fall into the abyss of love knowing that when the pain comes, the imprint of your love on my heart will continue to guide me through it.
6 thoughts on “I give you permission to break my heart”
Um, I was there for one of those times and he just wouldn’t have it. He’s a keeper that Duckfish of yours :).
He is indeed – I’m so, so blessed.
What is the best feeling? Love. What is the worst feeling? Love.
Exactly … but I’m thinking the good outweighs the bad…
It is a double edged sword really – I can’t bear the thought of my husband dying but I also can’t bear the thought of him being left lonely and hurt by my death. What can you do? Just get on with it I guess – avoid sugar and keepdrinking the fresh green juice! 🙂
I know, Gilly, it’s tough. Living in the moment, I hear that’s the answer. I’m still working on that one.
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