Phew! You can breathe a sigh of relief — you have made it through a bad breakup or divorce and you are ready to face the world again. You put your profile up on an online dating site and wait for the invitations to roll in.
But things are not as you imagined. The men who ask you out aren’t quite what you expected. Here are ten different kinds of men you will date after your forties.
1. Harry the Hippy
Harry was probably a child or an early teen in the 1970s and missed out on the chance to be a hippy, so he is making up for it now. He goes to yoga at 5am every morning and eats a raw diet. He will look at your leather shoes and handbag with disdain. He won’t take you to a bar, unless it is a juice bar, and he will need to be asleep by 9pm every night.
2. Alan the Angry Ex
To say Alan doesn’t like his ex-wife much would be putting it mildly. He can’t stand the sight of her. So much so, that when he picks up the kids, he makes them catch a bus to the next suburb so he doesn’t have to see her. He hates his ex-wife so much he can’t stop talking about her. Apparently, she’s a bitch.
3. Walter the Wealthy
Walter is easy to spot because all his profile photos show him next to his boat, his sports car or his motorbike. He wants to fly you to another city for dinner before he’s even met you. His children go to an exclusive boarding school and he bought his ex-wife her own apartment so he could stay in the marital home with the private jetty. All Walter talks about the stock exchange and the pre-nup he is going to get this time around. It’s enough to make you cry.
4. Brian the Born-Again Christian
Brian may have been a Christian all his life, but he has only recently accepted Jesus as his Lord and Saviour. His divorce was messy and painful but God has forgiven him and now he is ready to move on. Brian isn’t interested in sex as he is also a born-again virgin. He wants to take things S L O W. He is terribly disappointed if you swear, get drunk, make dirty jokes or show a bit of cleavage. He asks you to go to church with him so you too can be saved. Praise the Lord.
5. Ian the Intellectual
Ian has two Masters Degrees in Literature and is a Doctor of Philosophy. He is currently writing a book about the cultural influence of Ulysses. His conversation is peppered with words you’ve never heard before. He squints at you when you say “Yay” and corrects your pronunciation when you ask for a croissant. He wants to know about the last book you’ve read — but he’s never heard of Gone Girl.
6. Dave the Desperate
Dave hasn’t shaved for days and his jeans seem a little tight. He holds on to your hand a bit too long when you shake it and keeps touching your arms while he talks. He hasn’t had sex for months. How do you know? Because he told you. He wants to send you a dick pic, but he asks your permission first (and of course you say “no”). He tells you he doesn’t mind if a woman has kids, credit card debt or bad teeth — he isn’t fussy. If you won’t go back to his studio flat after twenty minutes in a coffee shop, he will never call you again (thankfully).
7. Michael the Mommy’s Boy
Michael has never been married. He was engaged once but his mother didn’t like his girlfriend so they broke it off. He recently had to move back home to take care of Mom because she has a “nervous condition”. Michael is an only child and an accountant. He offers to do your tax return for free. You can bring your receipts when you come for Sunday roast next week. You tell him you can’t because you have promised to go to church.
8. Garry the Gamer
Commodore, Atari, Sega, Nintendo, X-box, Game Cube, Wii.
Batman, Spiderman, The Phantom, Captain America, The Hulk, Ironman, X-Men.
Doctor Who, Space 1999, Blake Seven, Star Trek, The Twilight Zone, Lost in Space.
Please God, make it stop.
9. Andrew the Asshole
Andrew expects you to call him to arrange the date, buy your own drink, and hook up with him later that night. He thinks all women are crazy bitches and he doesn’t believe in love. He is also incredibly handsome and smells amazing. Turn around and walk away.
10. Peter Perfect
Peter used to be a workaholic, but he is trying to spend more time relaxing these days. He goes surfing on the weekend but usually after a late breakfast of bacon and eggs. His is friends with his ex-wife and admires the way she is bringing up his kids on her own. He is still paying off the house he owns in the suburbs but he is renting it out so he can live near the beach. He drives an old beat up Jeep and spends his spare cash on a holiday once a year.
Peter doesn’t believe in God, but he does believe there is something mystical and magical about life. He makes the most of every moment because he knows life can end in an instant. He knows a lot about astronomy, cricket and economics, and not so much about classical music or pop culture, but he is keen to learn.
Peter loves flirting, romance, and sex. Although he is a little shy to start with, he responds enthusiastically to encouragement. His mum has passed away and he regrets he never got to say goodbye. He has heard of Pacman and the Mario Brothers but he has never had a game console. He stopped playing online Scrabble because it was wasting too much of his time.
Peter adores women and believes they can do whatever they want. He charms old ladies and small children with his blue eyes which light up the room.
Never let him go.
40 thoughts on “The 10 Kinds of Men You Will Date after 40”
Actually, they all sound a bit off-putting…
Fair enough. We all have our preferences. Hopefully you’ve found one to meet your particular requirements. 😉
Sure, you orgot a type. The doper. The guy who is forever getting too high, or looking or that hookup to get there…
Where do widowers fit in?
I was wondering the same thing. I imagine we’d be the kind hearted sensitive types who try to get on with life but always have a slight sadness in their eyes that others interpret as meaning that there will never be room for them in our hearts, yet that is not in fact the case. We require a bit more patience than most before letting our heart out to play but it’s only bc when we love, we love deeply, madly and for all time. Depending on the individuals circumstances regarding the loss of their spouse and the timing, as well as your ability to handle their reality you may just get a second chance at the exact someone you’d thought was taken. Patience and empathy will win the day with the widower.
That was beautifully put. I totally understand each word. It sure is very difficult to open your heart again.
We just take our time to find love again.
Where the guy that makes you experience what it feels like to live again? Who makes you laugh everyday?
Still married? LOL (joking)
I was single again in my early – mid 30s & remarried at 39 but before that I “dated” or was chatted up by:
(a) Desperate Dan -The recently divorced local man who sent me a card asking me out for a date. He turned up at the local pub in a white suit reminiscent of John Travolta in SaturdayNight Fever. It was very difficult to not to giggle – he looked ridiculous! Had a feeling he wanted eye candy on his arm to have one over on his poor suffering ex wife! No date
(b) Fishy Fred – he was pleasant enough but we didn’t really click. Ex rugby player – he drank like a fish and talked about sex non stop. Put me off the Chinese meal & I cut the date short pretending my children were sick!
(c) Benefits Ben – The recent divorced male friend. Friends with Benefits!
(d) Flirty Phil – The sexy Jamiroquai lookalike who oozed sex appeal, flirty and was a pleasant distraction for a night …. until I discovered he had a lovely girlfriend at home …
(e) Creepy Colin – The creepy guy who suddenly appeared every where I turned – the type who never spoke, just stared & I felt the hair rising on the back of my neck….
Luckily I found …
(f) Rocker Adam – The sexy, handsome, long haired beefy motor biker bass player – Flirty but friendly who I bumped into at various local events, pub meets & parties – after 6 months or so he walked me home after a party, asked me out on a date, and he was such a gentleman, we got on well chatting over diet coke (both driving!) in a quiet rustic pub away from our village and 12 years later we are still happily married with our own 2 boys. ????
What a great comment. Thanks Linda – you have quite the stories 😉
Great article, and nice additions by Linda. I’d have to add Toxic Tim or Nick the Narcissist, whichever you’d prefer. Love bombs and hooks you early and then the disturbing, behaviour begins.
Yes, Toxic Tim should be on the list.
I have to add Randy Ray… charmed his way into my affections then ran for the hills as soon as i got to close for comfort. Its such a shame some men use dating sites to get that connection but they let their past emotional insecurities stop them from having a ‘real’relationship. They need to be honest with us women & themselves in the frst place about what they really want. Classic time wasters..
Fun article. I got a good chuckle and was glad I have avoided most of these types. : )
You’re very lucky, Shari 🙂
I just had a date last night with Jerry the Joker. He constantly interrupted me to tell me stories that sounded amazing. As soon as I would say something like, “I’ve always dreamed if going there/doing that,” he would roll his eyes at my gullibility and tell me he was joking. By the end of the date, I felt like an idiot – not for initially believing his stories, but for agreeing to go to dinner with him in the first place.
Jerry the Joker makes it on to the list. What a wanker!
It’s all these douche bag types that kill decent men LOL! From a guys perspective let me add:
Debbie Dater-Professional online dater that is just looking for a free meal and drinks
Gabby Abby – Doesn’t know when to shut the hell up and enjoy the moment, lives vicariously through her friends
Clingy Cassie – Treats the first date like a wedding interview, immediately proceeds to be involved in your life non stop after a week and two dates.
Mona the Man Hater – Crappy divorce has forever jaded her view on men.
Sexy Susanne – First cousin of Debbie Dater but loves the FWB aspect also and isn’t afraid to let you know up front.
Wine Wendy – Loves her wine and turns into Gabby Abby after three glasses to the point of annoying!
Dating is a jungle for any of us that have gone through a divorce and have no idea how the “game” is played in the modern world. Thankfully I found someone who thinks like me and I’m off the market now :).
Thanks for adding the male perspective, Gary. I think we all get a little crazy when it comes to dating. Hopefully we eventually find someone who enjoys our particular type of crazy.
Gary I just met a Clingy Cassie, except Cassie is Carl! After 1 date, this guy acts like we’ve known each other forever and wants to be up my rear 24/7 and I’m suspecting that he wants to profess his love for me. In my world, I either always meet Clingy Carl or Non-Committal Ned…he wants all the women and 1 is never good enough!
Thankfully I’m now happily remarried and out of the dating game :). Clingy Cassie/Carl is so damn annoying though!
hahaha… those were so funny. I’ve had dates with an Alan, a Walter, an Ian, a Dave, and a Peter Perfect…but he’s married. 🙁
Maybe Warren the Wanderer belongs on the list — perfect in every way except he’s already married.
I dated a Garry Gamer before he’d even turned 30, lived in his parents’ basement after a messy divorce and had developed an extreme germophobia, and was taking years just to complete a GED I suspected would never actually get done.
Then Ian the Intellectual came along, which was magical for about 6 months until his insecurities and paranoia started to seep through and I wasn’t willing to deal with the drama and confusion. If he’s in his 50’s and he’s STILL insecure about himself, that ain’t about to get any better, ever.
So now I’m just cultivating a fun FWB thing with a scruffy fellow who texts me hip hop lyrics and does sexy manly jobs to pay for our dinner and a movie and is happy as a clam when I provide him with a mini keg of beer and homemade curry. And despite how suspicious or bad that may sound to many, I’m happy with it and enjoying myself and that’s all that matters 🙂
Scruffy fellow sounds like fun. As you said, it it makes you happy then who’s to judge. Thanks for the great comment, Cel.
You forgot Walking Wounded Dude, who goes on about how healing your beautiful feminine presence is, and expects you to spend all your free time Florence Nightengaling him but has nothing real to offer you and will dump you as soon as he starts feeling better.
And Midlife Crisis Man, who suddenly starts covering his gray, buys a Harley and tries desperately to party all night like he’s 20 again to prove he’s still a real man. An actual 20 year old would be more fun, less angst.
Thanks Heather, two great additions to the list.
Sigh…..and they all are on my online dating site.
Just reading these lists…thank fuck I’m gay. And not yet in my 40’s! LOL
(That said, I see the beginnings of those stereotypes in people around me, which worries me, because EEEEKKKK which one am *I*?!?!?!)
You described Hubs right down to the beat up jeep, relationship with his ex and sparkly baby blues. He is indeed perfect. Great list Katie!
Katie as always you’ve nailed the truth to its core and made me have an amazing morning laugh!!! Women get chastised about menopause and how we become “possessed by the devil” but rarely do you hear the male version of this. Thank you for your sense of reality humor!
Yeah, I think I’ve dated all of these men! Dating sure is different at 39! 🙁
You forgot… Hope I am right….
The prowler whose got a wife and kids at home happily married guy on the lookout for some part time fun frolic and f***!!! on the side…
You mean Bob the BS Artist? You dated him too? He told you abt the messy divorce he was in the process of finalizing and treated you like a goddess and was always the one selling some picture perfect future you’d in no way asked for and didn’t seem to be hiding anything. Until 6 mos later when without warning or reason he vanished and the text you finally got back from his number was actually from his wife?! He has a lot of brothers out there so be diligent ladies. Idk what about me screams yes please, lie to me and ghost me even though ur 45 and that’s infantile, and make sure to do it in the most painful way by disregarding me completely as a human being. I can’t shake this guy!
Add Terry the Hidden Tart gives you a magic carpet ride then expects you to put up with taking other women on rides too. “It’s not cheating if it’s not oral sex!” Big game hunter, lush full loser. One year was toooooooo long. Now engaged to Peter Perfect who’s more humble and a respectful man I truly deserve. We rock!
I dated them all until 9 years ago when I found my current honey. I even dated the losers I wrote dating profiles for at the dating agency I worked for. My most memorable one was the ex-con who did tell me he was living in a half way house and the asshole who picked up the phone during dinner to say to his brother, “not doing much. I’m just out with a hot ass chick”. Needless to say I got up and walked out with my steak on the table. Winners……
I’m glad for some balanced perspective in the comments — the list seems overly negative about men, rather one-sided. Perhaps I was Untouchable Ulu for a time, angry at cultural stereo-types that contributed to unfortunate experiences I had with men. Now I see articles like this perpetuating negative perspectives and stereo-types of men, without compassion or understanding or balance in perspective, and I think back to when the tables were turned. This “other-ing” and putting down of others without seeking to understand — this is a form of dehumanizing people, whether men or women. I was angry about this kind of behaviour directed at women, and I don’t like it any better when it’s directed at men.
I’m sorry if you found the article negative and discriminatory which wasn’t my intention. I was just making some light-hearted observations based on my dating history. I think perhaps, my personal observations of the world and the way I express them, may not be suited to your taste.
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