Why my boyfriend and I should break up

by KatieP on January 27, 2012

chairsDuckfish works really hard. Like really really hard. He spends time away in different cities at least every second week and when he’s at home he usually doesn’t get home until 8pm or later.  He’s super busy and super important.

Actually, I don’t care about understand what he does. It’s something to do with saving hostages at the French Embassy. I think he’s a MI5 agent which means he can’t talk about it (he actually works in IT but a spy sounds so much sexier).

In the last three weeks I’ve barely seen him and when he’s home he’s got his head shoved in his laptop. And we all know how men can only do one thing at a time don’t we?

So on Wednesday night we talked about it. I told him I was feeling neglected. He came to the conclusion that his job was incompatible with a relationship (and the reason his marriage failed).

A stalemate? A death knell for our relationship? Should I get out now to prevent future heartache?

Not at all.

There are two things going on here

First, men believe that when women have a problem, it’s their job to solve it. They delight in fixing up our issues and finding solutions to our challenges. They love it. And when they can’t find a solution they don’t know what to do.

I reminded Duckfish that’s not how it works for women. Most of the time we just want to be heard and understood. All I wanted was for him to be aware of how I was feeling so he could appreciate that I get a bit grumpy when I’m left on my own for too long. I told him I didn’t need him to change jobs or really do anything except understand that sometimes I found it difficult.

Second, I needed to speak out loud the crazy thoughts in my head. Most of my statements started with “I know this is irrational but …”  I exposed my innermost thoughts to him, my secrets and my fears. Saying them out loud made them lose their grip and their sting.

And here’s what happened

Yesterday was Australia Day and a Public Holiday. Duckfish and I spent the day together sleeping in, having breakfast, making love, watching the pathetic events on the harbour, napping, eating dinner on the terrace and watching movies. It was glorious.

On one level Duckfish was responding to my request for attention by spending the day with me, but on a deeper level he wanted to be with me because I had trusted him with my doubts and fears. The very act of exposing my vulnerability made me attractive and lovable. Confessing what might be seen as weakness reminded him why he loves me so much. Inhabiting my emotional feminine essence sparked his male desire for me.

In my old life, with my old partner, I could never be so open or vulnerable. The word “needy” still makes me feel nauseous.

I have needs but I’m not needy. Sometimes those needs don’t get met and I have a right to ask for them. I also know that it won’t always be perfect and we’ll need to compromise.

Speaking my truth set in motion a chain of events I didn’t expect. Expressing my resentment and disappointment meant I could let it go.

What could saying what you need make happen for you?

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The Lie of Self-Love

by KatieP on January 24, 2012

sad dogI am completely in love with my boyfriend.

My heart flutters when I think of him, my breath comes faster when he touches me and when he holds me all the tension in my body drains away. He’s all the things I longed for in a man.

Our love is pure, overwhelming and endless.

Except when it isn’t.

I don’t feel the rush of love and passion all the time. Sometimes the world (including him) pisses me off. I just want to be left alone. Sometimes I can’t tap into the good feeling of love.

But I still love him. I might not feel it, but I know it’s there. Constant, steadfast and waiting to flood me with pleasure and joy sometime in the future. I have faith in our love.

The self-love movement tells us when we love ourselves we feel good about ourselves. We like what we see in the mirror, we stop beating ourselves up and we take great care of ourselves all the time.

I’m here to tell you that’s a lie.

You won’t feel good about yourself all the time. Some days you will feel fat. Some days you will say and do things you aren’t proud of. Some days you will wallow on the couch eating chocolate biscuits and watching The Bachelor. Some days you will feel like a bitch that no-one would possibly want to be around.

Does that mean you don’t love yourself any more? Is self-love dependent on how you feel?

Loving yourself means believing in yourself. It’s knowing in your heart you are doing the best you can. It’s accepting that you have good days and bad days. It’s a matter of faith.

Respect…Acceptance…Integrity…

Assertiveness…Purpose…Consciousness…

Much better words for self-love.

You can demonstrate all those values even if you’re not feeling good about yourself. You can watch TV in your pyjamas with integrity. You can feel fat with acceptance. You can be conscious that you are irritating yourself.

Loving yourself doesn’t always mean that you’ll feel good about yourself. Some days the love will feel like it’s dwindled or disappeared.

But you know it hasn’t. It’s waiting to come back and flood you with joy, peace and pleasure. Have faith. True love can survive anything if you want it and you make it your highest purpose.

Love is an intention, a commitment and a leap of faith. 

Have the courage to believe in it even when you can’t feel it.

Notice when it feels like it’s gone and enjoy every moment when it returns.

Because it will. Have faith.

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mystery guestI have a secret surprise. I’m so excited and I’m not very good at keeping secrets.

It’s so delicious I’m bursting.

My most favourite famous person ever has agreed for me to interview her for my humble little blog. I’m almost peeing my pants.

And I’m petrified.

I have no idea what to ask her.

So I came up with a plan.

Everyone who’s on my Insiders’ List will get the details of who she is this weekend  and the opportunity to pose a question to her. I’ll take the most interesting questions, weave them around my own muddied thoughts and come up with a brilliant interview (well that’s the plan).

I don’t want to do this in the comments because it will spoil the surprise but I do want to know the things you’ve always wanted to ask her.

Make sure you’re on the Insiders’ List so you don’t miss out. Did I mention I’m excited!

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the head~heart~health manifesto

by KatieP on January 20, 2012

heart lights

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I believe love changes everything.

I believe intimacy is the doorway to heaven.

I believe loving others transform our lives.

I believe looking outward is better than looking inward.

I believe giving brings the most joy.

I believe soul-mates will find each other.

I believe life is full of magic and miracles.

::

I believe the world needs more love, more joy, more peace, more compassion and more understanding.

I believe the world needs more feminine energy, more sex, more orgasms and more touch.

I believe the world needs more ideas and more excitement.

I believe the world needs more truth.

::

I know you are searching.

I know you already have everything you need and can find your own way.

I know you need to be seen, heard and known.

I know you believe in the good, have a pure heart and long for deeper connections.

I know you have been shut down, feel out-of-place and feel like you don’t belong in a masculine world.

::

I don’t believe in marriage, in guarantees or in forever.

I don’t believe we’re meant to struggle on our own.

I don’t believe emotions should always be controlled.

I don’t believe we need fixing.

I don’t believe we always need to feel good.

::

I know one word can make a difference.

I know life changes in an instant.

I know great risk brings great reward.

I know vulnerable doesn’t mean weak.

I know you are worth it.

And so am I.

::

What do you believe?

{based on an exercise by Tara Gentile}

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Listening to the voice in my head

by KatieP on January 18, 2012

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“Why would anyone listen to you?” said the voice in my head.

“There are so many people talking about the same shit who know much more than you,” it continued. “Honestly, you’re nothing special. You’ll probably fuck it up just like all the other things you’ve fucked up.”

I‘m struggling at the moment. I’m struggling writing a training course intended to inspire, motivate and enlighten the beautiful women who have put their trust in me.

I’m afraid.

I’m afraid I’m not good enough.

I’m afraid I don’t have anything to say.

I’m afraid I’ll make a mistake.

That voice in my head never goes away. It taunts me and torments me. Sometimes I wonder if I’m crazy …

Surely all the work I’ve done on myself should at least quieten that voice?

It hasn’t made any difference.

What if that voice was there for a reason? What if it didn’t mean what it said and meant something else?

Dreamy Dr Dike believes that the little voice inside your head is not your enemy. In fact, it’s normal and essential to have such a voice.

It’s there to mark the boundary of your comfort zone. Once you step outside of what’s safe and familiar that voice is there for your protection. It’s telling you that you’re about to venture into a potentially dangerous place and is warning you to take care so that you come back in one piece.

The voice in your head is not trying to stop you ~ it’s just trying to remind you to take care. It’s loudest when you leave behind what you have and set out towards what you dream of.

And the language it uses is brutal and harsh because we have tried to suppress it for so long. We call our inner voice a bitch, a monster, a monkey, a demon, or a dragon. We silence it. We fight it. We shut it down.

No wonder it needs to shout at us.

That voice turns up because you’re following your dreams. It’s a sign that you’re taking a risk.

Welcome it.

Embrace it as a dear friend.

Thank you for looking out for me. I know you have my best interests at heart. I’m heading into a scary place and you’ve got a right to let me know the very worst that could happen. So I’m listening. I’m paying attention.

But you know what? I’m going there all the same … (so there’s no point in shouting). Thank you my friend. You’re doing a great job!

Somehow that feels so much better.

Now I’d better get back to it!

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No apologies, no regrets

by KatieP on January 17, 2012

parasol

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When our eyes see our hands doing the work of our hearts, the circle of Creation is completed inside us, the doors of our souls fly open and love steps forth to heal everything in sight. ~Michael Bridge

People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in their true beauty is revealed only if there is light from within. ~Elisabeth Kübler-Ross

Appreciation and self-love are the most important tools that you could ever nurture. Appreciation of others, and the appreciation of yourself is the closest vibrational match to your Source Energy of anything that we’ve ever witnessed anywhere in the Universe. ~Abraham

All things splendid have been achieved by those who dared believe that something inside them was superior to circumstance. ~Bruce Barton

Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will spend its whole life believing that it is stupid. ~Albert Einstein

Whatever you are doing, love yourself for doing it. Whatever you are feeling, love yourself for feeling it. ~Thaddeus Golas

Accept everything about yourself – I mean everything. You are you and that is the beginning and the end – no apologies, no regrets.  ~Clark Moustakas

Be yourself. If you water yourself down to please people or to fit in or to not offend anyone, you lose the power, the passion, the freedom and the joy of being uniquely you. It’s much easier to love yourself when you are being yourself. ~Dan Coppersmith

Dreams are renewable. No matter what our age or condition, there are still untapped possibilities within us and new beauty waiting to be born. ~Dale E. Turner

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