Duckfish works really hard. Like really really hard. He spends time away in different cities at least every second week and when he’s at home he usually doesn’t get home until 8pm or later. He’s super busy and super important.
Actually, I don’t care about understand what he does. It’s something to do with saving hostages at the French Embassy. I think he’s a MI5 agent which means he can’t talk about it (he actually works in IT but a spy sounds so much sexier).
In the last three weeks I’ve barely seen him and when he’s home he’s got his head shoved in his laptop. And we all know how men can only do one thing at a time don’t we?
So on Wednesday night we talked about it. I told him I was feeling neglected. He came to the conclusion that his job was incompatible with a relationship (and the reason his marriage failed).
A stalemate? A death knell for our relationship? Should I get out now to prevent future heartache?
Not at all.
There are two things going on here
First, men believe that when women have a problem, it’s their job to solve it. They delight in fixing up our issues and finding solutions to our challenges. They love it. And when they can’t find a solution they don’t know what to do.
I reminded Duckfish that’s not how it works for women. Most of the time we just want to be heard and understood. All I wanted was for him to be aware of how I was feeling so he could appreciate that I get a bit grumpy when I’m left on my own for too long. I told him I didn’t need him to change jobs or really do anything except understand that sometimes I found it difficult.
Second, I needed to speak out loud the crazy thoughts in my head. Most of my statements started with “I know this is irrational but …” I exposed my innermost thoughts to him, my secrets and my fears. Saying them out loud made them lose their grip and their sting.
And here’s what happened
Yesterday was Australia Day and a Public Holiday. Duckfish and I spent the day together sleeping in, having breakfast, making love, watching the pathetic events on the harbour, napping, eating dinner on the terrace and watching movies. It was glorious.
On one level Duckfish was responding to my request for attention by spending the day with me, but on a deeper level he wanted to be with me because I had trusted him with my doubts and fears. The very act of exposing my vulnerability made me attractive and lovable. Confessing what might be seen as weakness reminded him why he loves me so much. Inhabiting my emotional feminine essence sparked his male desire for me.
In my old life, with my old partner, I could never be so open or vulnerable. The word “needy” still makes me feel nauseous.
I have needs but I’m not needy. Sometimes those needs don’t get met and I have a right to ask for them. I also know that it won’t always be perfect and we’ll need to compromise.
Speaking my truth set in motion a chain of events I didn’t expect. Expressing my resentment and disappointment meant I could let it go.
What could saying what you need make happen for you?
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