Female Orgasms • The Surprising Secret No One Mentions

You’re lying wide awake in bed, listening to your partner snore. He has drifted blissfully off to sleep in a post-coital haze of satisfaction. But you’re not so lucky. You are quietly seething. Your partner didn’t give you an orgasm and you’re not happy about it.

But you have no right to be upset. Your partner cannot “give” you an orgasm. 

You can share an orgasmic experience with someone,  you can have a joint intimate encounter, but men are not in charge of handing out varying degrees of sexual pleasure.

The surprising secret about female orgasms is that the only person who can “give” you an orgasm, is YOU. Here is how to take responsibility for your own orgasms.

Learn what turns you on — on your own

Don’t believe the myth that good girls don’t or shouldn’t masturbate. Explore your own body with your fingers, a vibrator, the handheld shower head, household items or fruit and veg.

Don’t limit yourself to your clitoris and vulva. See if you can find your g-spot or perhaps you can orgasm from touching your nipples or a stroking a sensitive spot somewhere else.

Don’t invite him inside your vagina or your mouth until you have come first

Female orgasms are great foreplay. If you are having difficulty achieving an orgasm through direct stimulation, show your partner what to do by joining in, guiding him, or whipping out the sex toys. If you move on to penis in vagina/mouth sex before you’ve had your first climax, you might miss your chance.

Obviously, there are skilled lovers who know how to alternate between penetration and foreplay, using dexterous fingers and an agile tongue. But if you are with someone with that level of mastery, you are unlikely to need this advice because you will never be left unsatisfied at the end of the night.

Change positions

Men usually have a favourite position which delivers maximum sensory pleasure, but this can also mean they come quickly. If you want your partner to last longer, change positions into one he might find less stimulating. Once you’ve climaxed, you can shift back into his favourite position for his orgasm.

Engage your mind

Fantasizing about a different location or a different situation can intensify your orgasm. Imagine you are making love on the beach, in a dark alleyway, or at a fetish club with everyone watching — whatever it is that turns you on. Take your thoughts away from the grocery shopping, or even the predictability of your current sex life and add some imaginative spice.

Finish yourself off

If your partner comes and you’re still unsatisfied, don’t be afraid to finish yourself off. Ask your partner to help you. I bet he won’t mind.

Ask for seconds

If your partner has fallen asleep after a sexual encounter which has left you unsatisfied, let him sleep. But only long enough for him to be capable of another erection. Then wake him up gently by stroking his penis…

Talk about it

Outside the bedroom, talk about what you like and what you need. Describe in detail your personal preferences, your hot buttons and your turn offs. Find out what your partner likes and dislikes.  Explain why you do the things you do during sex.

“You always push me off when we are in the missionary position. Don’t you like it?” he might ask.

“I love it,” you reply, “but I push you off so I can get on top and come first. If we stay in the missionary position it’s over too quickly.”

“Got it,” he says with a grin.

When you take responsibility for your own orgasm you will have them more often and enjoy them more. Don’t expect someone to give you something you can get for yourself.

How do you avoid being sexually frustrated?
What are your tips for being highly orgasmic?


About KatieP

Embracing my midlife sexy while exploring modern love & relationships • Devoted to all things beautiful • Master of Arts in creative writing & non-fiction writing

65 thoughts on “Female Orgasms • The Surprising Secret No One Mentions

  1. For the female to be highly orgasmic, (by that I mean ‘instant’ orgasms running into double or treble figures) somehow the man has to understand that it is the female who makes the running in the sexual context.
    There is just no point in a man initiating sex if the lady in question just isn’t emotionally ready.
    If her ‘time’ isn’t right, then the sex will be mediocre, orgasms non existent.
    But wait until she is screaming for sex—and she will climax from just a touch—or even a look, over and over.

    Of course, to reach that level, the guy has to be pretty good too—but it is achievable.
    She has to know that he will respond when her need is at its height

    1. I agree 100% also I feel like the man has to be attentive and pay attention to what point the woman’s at and how much she’s enjoying what he’s doing and take cues bc sometimes vocalizing things like that during sex can be uncomfortable… I’m lucky enough to be able to have at least 1 orgasm every time depending on if it’s a quickie or not 🙂

    2. Okay I never go on these things. But I’ve never ever had an orgasim and I feel this is the reason why I do not enjoy sex at all. Don’t get me wrong I’m sometimes in the mood for it. But for some reason I just can’t get one.

      1. It took me several years and different positions to figure out where I could get an orgasm! If I knew about toys when I was younger or first married, I would have had orgasms sooner!

    3. I love having sex and I’m not scared to explore. I have had sex with men and women but there is a depth of intimacy you feel with a woman and woman also have more stamina lol, sorry guys. If you get the right woman she can fuck you good when you need it. I definitely have found my diamond in the rough.

    4. I have found that there is more than one kind of orgasm. Clitoral which takes longer and more intense, vaginal where I feel waves of orgasmic spasms, and after he is done, his finger hitting the G spot/gland inside which ends up with intense sensation and fluid (not urine) gushing out . Sometimes that happens from stimulation of the clitoris prior to intercourse. I keep puppy pads under me. I estimate my orgasms number from 5-8 each encounter. I’m a newlywed of 2 yrs (widow after 44 years) and my husband is 23 years my junior. We are sexually active about every other day. Never in all my years did I experience what I have with him now. Ladies it’s never too late. I’m 76 and could deal with every day but he needs to rest up. We consider sex God’s wedding gift to us. Being in good health is essential. I am truly blessed with a youthful body and know that I’m not the norm at this stage of my life. I’ve had many years of disappointing moments. You need to concentrate completely on every sensation by total relaxation and letting go and not making it a goal.

  2. Yes Yes Yes! *slams hand on the table for emphasis* Yes! Part of the problem is that in general, girls have been taught from a young age that sex is “dirty” and that “good girls” shouldn’t really think about it or engage in it. So they never develop the knowledge and comfort that it takes to be upfront, take control or relax into it. It’s one reason that I think “Purity” culture is so destructive. I think this is vital, valuable information for women.

        1. speaking as a mere male—with my premarital sex 40 years ago —i seem to recall i had little choice in the matter

          a rather pleasant lead up to ‘put up or shut up’.

          The sex that first time was amazing (we were both virgins) and it’s got better every time since

          so my advice would be—if you have to ask within yourself, you probably shouldn’t.

          but if the lady makes demands—as they usually do—then get on with it.

    1. It is so true that those who teach abstinence prior to marriage tens to forget to explain how wonderful sex is. Or they overdue it and make the girls think their sex will be awesome the first time just because they waited. This is unhealthy

      That being said, I am so glad I waited and will highly encourage my children to do the same. I have seen both sides, and read the studies, and those who have sex prior to marriage are 75% more likely to be unsatisfied, 60% more likely to cheat, and 50% more likely to get divorced. I think this is because they have others to compare their sex life too….which I don’t…which has therefore kept me extremely satisfied…but that is just conjecture.

      1. I didn’t have sex before marriage either and my sex life is amazing, it took a little time to pick up but now it’s really great!

      2. Lol Not really realistic. Its human and animal nature to have more than one partner through out your existence. And sorry to say teenagers will kind of rebel if you put those rules in place. You cant control them they will give you mud in your eyes if you think you can.

      3. Great! It is up to your conviction and belief system if you allow pre-marital sex before marriage but these studies are true of being pure before marriage prior to your first sexual encounter with your wife or husband. Satisfaction and the chance of having a good marriage that is lasting is one of the reasons for successful married and family life, with the consideration that it has the blessing of the Almighty God.

        Note: This is from Christian perspective of sex life after marriage or sex only after the bond of marriage.

      4. @HappilyMarried and @ElmerEsplana

        What a load of utter nonsense. Please show me this ‘study’ and also who commissioned it (I’m guessing a church).

  3. From my late teens and being engaged plus on the pill also a very long time ago, I always found being on top and in control gave me an orgasm or even multiple ones. As the years progressed in my first marriage, my ex and I had a very good sex life. Anyway after 2 years it resulted in a baby boy and he was conceived very quickly while camping at Mt. Beauty. The marriage ended in divorce 7 years later. I was a single mother for 6 years and made sure that I enjoyed my sex life experimenting with different ways to reach the ultimate orgasm with acceptable partners…….One at a time, I considered having a boyfriend while my son was with his father with access. Now being married for the second time 30 years last year, my husband and I have always had a great sex life. Of course we are much older now lol but my hubby has a magic tongue including touching me all over my body. Occasionally I find my fingers and new vibrator with a good imagination keeps my orgasms going for complete satisfaction. Plus we are grandparents to 4 young grandchildren. I guess I am addicted to sex pleasing my hubby and myself too.

    1. Yes. No missionary position for me. I was not raised or religiously convinced that masturbation is wrong, I just do not get off pleasing myself. They say sexual desire begins in our brains. I need to feel another’s body, touch, penetration to enjoy sex. Guess it sucks for me, right? Men are terrible at anything but intercourse, without being told. That kills all desire and their confidence. No one officially taught us how to pleasure a man sexually- I ask what or how I could pleasure them better. Anyway, missionary position is for the King’s wives, not us.

  4. Great post! It’s all about loosening up, letting go and having fun. Sometimes I write naughty stories for my partner, it’s a great way to heat our relationship up. We’ve even created a game about it adding or finishing each other’s stories. It’s a creative way to learn about each other fantasies and sexual likes.

  5. All of the above can also be applied to people with vaginas and clitorises who are not female, and who are sleeping with people with penises. Great post, Katie! 🙂

  6. In my practice as well as everyday life I see that orgasm – is a priviledge of women who love themselves, cherish themselves and want to know themselves. There is not much a man can do for a woman to start her journey. It’s all in our heads.

    Thank you for the article!

  7. I was married to a man 8 years and never had an orgasma. What??
    Like I’ve read here, you have to do it yourself. Then I married a man who was great in bed and in the 30 years we’ve been married I finally had my first orgasma (spelling?). I was always tense. Then I read a relationship book that said you should let your man have and enjoy what God has given him.
    Take it all baby!!! That little sentence rocked my world!!

  8. Yes. Thank you for this.
    Only really over past year or so have explored creating my own orgasm for myself.
    My bf does pull out method, so once he’s come, we’re done or if I do start to, he pulls out before I finish. So often leaves me frustrated.

  9. Well what do I do when…..
    I’m 48, after being divorced (after 18 yrs) then remarried to an AMAZING man who passed away 3 years in and finally in a third relationship that’s been going on for 5 years and I can’t even get him to have sex at all? I own a tavern, he doesn’t work so we are always together… he does struggle with ED but gets viagra (he’s 50). When we do have sex it is an awesome adventure but it is very very far and few between. I’ve spoke to him several times but na-da. Any advice?

    1. Sorry, but he has to improve his health. He may look into pills to increase his testosterone. Doctors can give him a shot to increase testosterone. If he is addicted to masturbation and porn, that might be the problem. That’s two ideas. It might be something else. Best wishes.

  10. I am a woman who had premarital sex. Just to have sex I guess because it definitely wasn’t fulfilling. Neither one of us knew what we were doing. I got married young and had 2 children. Divorced. My new husband and I have an amazing sex life. My daughter is 18 and had the same boyfriend for 3 years. They plan to wait for marriage. I have warned her that their first time will probably be awkward and it may not be great, but don’t give up and never be afraid to talk and try new things. I definitely tell her that sex is a beautiful thing.

  11. Is it ok to get pretty descriptive on here so I can maybe get some much needed advice from you guys. I don’t want to offend anyone by any means.

  12. I enjoy teasing my wife unexpectedly throughout the day, either by ‘feeling her up’ or nuzzling her neck and ear, and whispering something suggestive to her. And then I’ll go about my businessas if nothing ever happened. I do this a couple times throughout the day, especially at oppurtune times that are not sex positive, like when hanging out with friends who have their back turned or out in public but nobody is really looking. She’s normally pretty fired up and ready to go whenever it’s time to Tango, and that’s when I normally caress and kiss my way down, bring her to two or three orgasms with my tongue, and then, roll the dice I suppose for what’s next. I guess case in point, foreplay outside of the bedroom works wonders for her, maybe it could work for some of the couples here.

  13. I actually had a problem with masturbation when I was younger. Growing up in a strict family where sex was taboo (no wonder one of my sisters was a teen mom), the touch of touching myself was unheard of. Then I ran into something called porn…namely of the fetish type, and I knew exactly what turned me on. It took a while for me to open up to my husband about the fetish thing (as it’s a fetish that is considered taboo for a lot of people), but when I did, it made the sex that much better because we knew what to do at that point.

    The only issue though is that I still take a while to climax if I’m not participating in fetish play (sometimes taking an hour to get to that point and sometimes losing it, hubby doesn’t care for [the fetish], so it’s something that I don’t indulge in often). He gets off and sometimes I’m just too tired to. 🙁

  14. Well, I’m glad to see someone finally addressing that it’s a woman’s own responsibity to achieve an orgasm. No one can give it to you; it’s up to you to know you’re own body and what muscles work for you to reach orgasm. All your partner has to do is have the patience and stamina to give you the time it may take you.
    Whatever position you are in when you pleasure yourself is the position you should be in when trying to have an orgasm during intercourse. If you masturbate on your back, then that’s the best way for you to have an orgasm during intercourse. If you do it sitting on a pillow, or something then you’re better on top during intercourse.
    It’s really about your body. You can say it’s all about emotions and/or fantasies, and yes, these can definitely play a part but women can have orgasms without even thinking about love or fantasies. Some women can have orgasms during exercise with no thought to emotions or desires and no direct stimulation at all. Just a repetition motion can bring you to a climax as long as you are using the right muscles. Doing leg lifts and using abdominal muscles can do it for some. Kegel exercises can do it also. Just be careful at the gym. Lol.
    I hope some of you can catch on to this realization and utilize it for your pleasure and the pleasure of your partner.

  15. I have a hard time getting anywhere near an orgasm. After reading this and all the comments I guess I’m getting in my own way. I guess this means I have something else to talk with my counselor about as I’m pretty sure that this stems from my past. The one major issue I’ve found is that my abusive ex-husband was the only man I’ve had sex with where I had an orgasm. The scary thing is that it was when I was 100% powerless and absolutely terrified that it actually happened.

  16. I have had a lot of orgasms but none with my partner who I’ve been with for a year, I don’t really feel comfortable with having that kind of intense thing with someone else with me , it is really weird and o hate it about myself because I want to be 100% committed with him but I don’t want him to think I’m weird. So please comment if anyone else had this problem or has any advice for me . 🙂

  17. I’ve been on hormone meds and diet change for about 8 months because my body was all messed up. For the last 2 months I find that I’m not “in the mood” much (if ever) and it’s difficult to orgasam even on my own. I don’t know what to do about this and not sure how to get past it. Any suggestions.

  18. I find that it is difficult to talk about sex. It is refreshing to hear women talking about it. Very healthy. I used to have sex with my wife as she now has medical issues. I miss making someone get to the edge. My needs aren’t being met and tired of making my partner feel guilty. I have passed on many opportunities to cheat but can’t.

    1. Find a lover or youll regret in the end. Be discreet. I always had a great sex life until my husband was operated for prostate cancer 10 yrs ago.I was only 48!! Now after 10 yrs with no sex Ive had a melt down and found a boyfriend. I feel happy again after 10 of the best years of my life with no sex.
      Im 58 in good shape and look much younger so I hope I still have a few good years left.

  19. My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 5 years, and I can say I’ve been close to orgasming twice but never had a full orgasm. I know a lot of the time I get inside my own head… other people are near, don’t want to be too loud, etc… does anyone have any idea that could help?? I’m convinced that, for myself, a lot of my issue with reaching an orgasm is mental but I can’t seem to let myself go, if that makes sense!!! And I’d like to because, obviously, he orgasms every time. Ugh. Men.

  20. I’ve been married 20 years, my wife has had medications that effected her libido.

    Currently after her MD changed one, she gets in the mood for sex. Also one child is in college, the other working, gives us more opportunity for sex.

    My wife struggles with talking about what she likes. She won’t let me go down on her very much. On a high note I finally learned how to help her orgasm! !!

    1. if you try to play her ladybits like strumming a guitar—she’ll never have an orgasm

      if on the other hand, you can accept that a woman’s g spot is in her head not between her legs—you might start getting there

      sex is a long exploration, not a game with winners and losers—take it long and slow, talk–talk–talk—all night if necessary, or all day now you have the time

      then touch with infinite lightness–not frantic self-seeking gropes–the tongue is useful for all kinds of pleasure—you’ll be surprised how many erogenous zones a woman has.—maybe try a blindfold—that can work magic

      we have reached the pitch where I can climax just from being talked to or even just looked at at the right time

      and I didn’t used to be able to at all

      1. My wife has loosened up, but she finds it hard to talk about what feels good.

        She rarely lets me use my tongue on her lady parts I wish she would trim herself there.
        Any ideas on how to convince her to trim, ladies?

        Thanks a frustrated hubby..

        1. men just don’t understand that a woman’s body is a ladypart–all of it

          a woman’s body isnt just a man’s with different appendages

          and if you grew a beard you wouldn’t expect to shave just to get kissed would you

        2. men just don’t understand that a woman’s body is a ladypart–all of it

          a woman’s body isnt just a man’s with different appendages

          and if you grew a beard you wouldn’t expect to shave just to get kissed would you

          1. Ok guess I’m wrong . However I grew a beard, and I was ordered to shave it or else!

            I am clean shaven always!

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