Thank you for your response to my post 10 Things You Should Know Before You Kill Yourself and for sharing your situation with me. You are not alone in facing such terrible circumstances, I get emails like yours several times a week.
Today, on the third anniversary of my husband’s suicide, I hold on to the thought that I can remain perfectly unaffected by all expressions of lack of love (or fear, grief, anger, guilt, regret) and hold on to peace.
It is no secret that I struggle to meditate. I’ve tried to establish a practice over and over again and still I don’t enjoy sitting and emptying my mind. It doesn’t bring me any joy or clarity — it just bores or frustrates me.
It’s that niggling worry at the back of your mind you don’t talk about. The nightmares you have about death and dying. You try to imagine what it will feel like if (when?) something really bad happens to you.
It was OK to lie about my transgressions and continue in the church, but once I admitted I enjoyed sex and refused to follow the path of repentance and future abstinence I was asked to leave — labelled as a ‘backslider’.
Sometimes when you achieve your goals — the man, the holiday, the house and the body — you discover that it’s not as satisfying as you hoped. So you move on the next thing … praying this time you’ll get what you need.
Doing or Being — which is the path to happiness (living a rich, full and meaningful life)? Can happiness be found in silence under the shade of a tree, or in rolling up our sleeves and interacting with the world?