I remember the anticipation of pain and not the pain

It must have been the week after my husband killed himself. The first thing I had to sort out was the money. We had a joint account that had a small amount of cash in it and he had a credit card that needed cancelling. The last thing I wanted to do when I was emotional, traumatized and in shock was go into a bank and explain what had happened.

I remember clearly not wanting to leave the house. I remember every detail of how I thought it would turn out. The questions, the paperwork, trying to say the words without breaking down. It was the last thing I wanted to do.

Duckfish was out of town and I called him to tell him I wasn’t up to it. He somehow talked me into it.

I went to the bank that day, I transferred the funds into my private account, closed the joint account and his credit card. I don’t even think I had the death certificate yet, just a letter from the coroner’s office. The woman in the bank was helpful, understanding and even let me off paying the outstanding credit card bill.

I don’t remember the experience being painful at all. I know it wasn’t the most enjoyable thing I’ve ever had to do, but it was just a transaction with an understanding human who treated me kindly.

But I do remember the pain of anticipation. Even now, I can re-create the sick feeling in the pit of my stomach when I thought about what lay ahead of me.

The pain was all in my head. The real experience wasn’t anything like the pain I’d imagined.

How often do we put off doing something because we are afraid of how much it will hurt? What kind of knots do we tie ourselves up in projecting what the future might hold?

And when the moment arrives — it’s not nearly as bad as we feared.

All that worry for nothing. All those memories we don’t need to carry.

Get out of your head and take action. Stop tormenting yourself over something that won’t ever happen.

Because bad things happen only when you don’t expect them.

And the things you expect to be bad … usually turn out OK.

{photo source}