The Conflict Never Ends

weight lifting
When I was working on my book trailer, I looked through some photos from my body-building days trying to find one of the ‘old’ me. I came across the above photo, and decided to use it in the video.

I look at this photo and feel so conflicted. Part of me would do anything to look like this again. That vein in my shoulder? I haven’t seen it for years. I miss it.

The sensation feels similar to what I imagine drug addiction does. All of the good, and perfect, and pure flashes into my mind, without any of the pain and anguish that accompanies it.

If only I could look like that again …

Surely, I’m evolved enough to be able to handle it this time…?

As an alcoholic would say … just one drink wouldn’t hurt.

I wish I was sane and sensible about dieting and weight loss, but I’m not. I can’t do it, without falling into a pit of self-loathing and self-punishment. The road looks enticing, but the sharp rocks cut my feet.

And then another part of me kicks in. Why do I even need to look like that?

Is a muscled body any better or worse than what I have now?

Would I be more loved, more respected, more successful? Would I sell more books?

Would it make me happier? Maybe I would be happier — I’m no longer sure.

The conflict never ends… 


About KatieP

Embracing my midlife sexy while exploring modern love & relationships • Devoted to all things beautiful • Master of Arts in creative writing & non-fiction writing

6 thoughts on “The Conflict Never Ends

  1. Great post! It raises 2 things for me.

    I still get those thoughts too. Then Peter says ” do you want wine with dinner?” and I snap out of my stupidity.

    No disrespect for those who choose and happily live the lifestyle but Katie, give yourself a good hard slap, pour yourself a vodka and lounge in bed for hours with your lover … because the alternative is hours spent in the gym, on food prep and then being too tired/crabby for sex.

    So the choice is yours 😉

    xx m

  2. But you’re beautiful. Exactly how you are. I don’t know you, but I see what you write, how you look, and am privy to little snippets of your life on Facebook. I’ve followed you since finding you on a Body For Life website, and I admire you. You seem to have a great life balance xxx

    1. Thank you lovely Kate. I didn’t realise we went back to the BFL days. Wow — that was a long time ago.
      Thank you for your love and support, you certainly know how to make somebody feel better ♥

  3. I think the conflict will always be there, but for me the fierceness of the desire to be that way again dulls very quickly when the thought comes. I look at my pictures, and while others comment on how ‘amazing you looked’ all I see is a reminder of how paranoid, unsatisfied and vulnerable I felt.
    I dont regret doing it, but I love myself too much now to ever do it again.

    I think you’re pretty awesome just the way you are 🙂

    1. All I see is a reminder of how paranoid, unsatisfied and vulnerable I felt. Exactly.
      Thank you for the support and for making me feel as though I’m not alone ♥

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