The girl had wished for a unicorn her whole life. She had seen the beautiful creatures in magazines with the most successful recording artists, models and actresses and she knew she was just the kind of person who could have one for herself. She also knew boys adored girls with unicorns and with one, she would… Read More
On a cold September morning in 2009, I sat in the bottom of the shower sobbing so hard I was almost sick. I wasn’t upset because someone had died, or was ill, or had been hurt in any way, I was crying because I had binged the night before and my morning weigh-in had shown the ugly… Read More
When I decided to enter a body-building competition in my forties, there was something the trainers and seasoned competitors forgot to tell me. They forgot to warn me that once you’ve experienced being so thin that your tailbone digs into the chair, any weight higher than that will feel fat. So from my point of view, I spend… Read More
Please make welcome the lovely Katerina Edwards who is guest posting today. The moment I take off my clothes, the feelings of self-worthlessness creep in. “I think you should lose some weight,” the massage therapist murmurs. Her words hit me right in my fleshy, untoned, cortisol-bellied stomach, right in the most sensitive, guarded and protected part of… Read More
I’ve learned to take a step back and ask myself what else is going on in my life. You see, I always have a strong urge to diet when things upset me. The reason is, that when I’m starved and exhausted, I can’t process any other kind of pain. It’s a game of pick your poison, and I always pick the one that is familiar and controllable — the pain of restricting and beating myself up.
I look at this photo and feel so conflicted. Part of me would do anything to look like this again. That vein in my shoulder? I haven’t seen it for years. I miss it. The sensation feels similar to what I imagine drug addiction does. All of the good, and perfect, and pure flashes into my mind, without any of the pain and anguish that accompanies it.
As I read about the path taken by women in traditional stories, mythology and fairy tales, I was struck by how our own lives follow this pattern.
The curious thing is that most of us don’t realise what true transformation entails.
In 2009 I participated in the lovely Michelle’s Exposed Movement. This year Michelle urged all the original participants to post an update. I am having trouble knowing what to say.
There is no instruction manual for inhabiting you, no shortcut, no finished product I can emulate. All I have is an organic mess that requires embodiment and a relationship.
I’m ashamed to admit how screwed up I was around food and embarrassed about how I made an enemy of something so innocuous.
There is a gap between what I wish was true, and what actually is. And as much as I wish it was otherwise, there is nothing I can do to effortlessly transform into a natural size eight.
Getting up at 5am to run in the cold icy dawn…or feeling your boyfriend inside you while the curtains of sleep still soften the thoughts in your brain…
What amazes me is this connection with my body. When I was dieting, I tried so hard to ignore the biological impulse of hunger that I blocked everything else out.