For some people there is a single moment in time when they say something about how they feel and their words are met with ridicule, disapproval, or anger. At that point they stop speaking their truth and lose their voice.
For me it happened gradually. I remember when I was a child I used to live in the crazy world of my imagination. My favourite book was The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe and every time we moved house, I hoped that there would be a doorway to Narnia through the back of my wardrobe. My musings on the benefits of entering another world where I could live an entire life without any time passing back in this world were met with ridicule. “You do know that’s all made up don’t you — it’s only a story,” my brother said.
My voice became quieter.
When I was a teenager I loved boys. I loved the thrill of kissing and touching. I became alive with the joy of my body’s capacity for pleasure. My true stories of discovery and delight were met with disapproval. “Sexual pleasure is a sin. You have to save yourself for your husband,” my mother said.
My voice became a whisper.
He wasn’t who I thought he was. His distance and coldness became unbearable. My heart was growing brittle and small. I’d made a vow for life so I tried to ask for what I wanted. His anger drowned out the sound of my voice. “You are too needy,” my husband said.
I lost my voice.
When did you lose yours?
This is such a great post. There are so many points in my life where I lost my voice. Sometimes I still feel like I am speaking in a whisper and not fully using my voice. Thank you for sharing your anecdotes.
Hi Lexi ~ The hardest part is being aware that you are doing it, so in that respect you’re on your way to using your voice more.
For me, I think one of the reasons I drank was because I thought I had lost my voice-turned out I had it but just wasn’t grown up enough to realise I could use it. 🙂
You’re right, our voice is always there, we just have to remove that hand over our mouth – alcohol, self-hate, hurt, anger, sadness and self-doubt. Our inner voice is always waiting to speak our truth, we just need to get to a place where we can no longer keep silent.
i don’t ever really remember having a voice…but i’ve got one now, and i am learning how to use it.
A big part of it for me is looking for the pleasure and empowerment of using my voice – instead of worrying about the reprocussions.
I love that you are looking for the pleasure and empowerment instead of the negative. Brilliant!
I learned “no voice” lessons growing up too. But the one that comes to mind as I read your question is The Big One: the fallout that happened after my best friend and sister had a full blown bipolar mania. It’s hard to describe how my entire world got blown out from beneath me. And then it became somewhat of a taboo subject. I am still relearning how to reclaim my voice, deciding how to use my voice, finding my boundaries. This crisis added 25 lb to my weight, which I’ve still not decided whether to “fight” or wholeheartedly accept. I veer steadily toward acceptance.
I am a lover of peace, and seek to do no harm. How to balance that with having a real voice is part of my ongoing journey. Thanks so asking.
Hi Joyce — your comment raises an interesting question for me — what is being a peacemaker with loving intentions and what is searching for approval from other people or feeling like it’s my job to make everyone happy? I don’t have a way to make the distinction; I think they sometimes get blurred …
Sometimes the truth isn’t kind, and it does hurt others — but speaking my truth is part of my commitment to exposing my vulnerability.
Perhaps you or another reader has some insights into this dilemma?