Till Death Us Do Part

by KatieP, in category Health | Sexuality

signs-of-unhappy-marriageI was sitting on the blue sofa in the lounge room and looked over at my husband in the armchair. His hair was more grey than brown, he had black rings under his eyes, his beer belly was straining against his blue shirt and he had developed a double chin. Unshaven and unkempt, he looked nothing like the man I married. I felt a wave of disgust.

It was the first moment I realised my marriage was in trouble. Looking back it seems that the good times only lasted about six years. From 2000 – 2010 I have no happy memories of being with my husband.

I stayed for far too long. I thought that my relationship was OK. He didn’t beat me, he pretty much left me alone and we kept out of each other’s way. We were strangers inhabiting the same house. I thought it was how all marriages ended up. I didn’t know anyone who was still on their first marriage that was any happier.

These days I wonder about the institution of marriage. I see women who spend hours at the gym and men who stay late at work all week and play golf all weekend and wonder if it is because they can’t bear to be at home where it is boring. Sex has become a chore and you’re happy to not even bother. The only thing you talk about is who’s buying the milk and whether it’s time for new cockroach baits.

After the kids have left home, or after you’ve made your way to the top of your career, do you sit staring at your partner who no longer looks like the person you married and contemplate what you’re going to do for the next twenty years? Do you fantasize about leaving but never summon the courage? Do you dream of a one bedroom flat with a water view where you can come and go as you wish? Do you think about kissing that guy at work who listens to you more than your husband does?

So what makes us stay? Why don’t we just walk away and live a different life on our own terms? Is this what it means to be married — sacrificing ourselves for the sake of the mortgage, the kids, the status, and the money?

Till death us do part. If we’ve already died inside, is that enough reason to leave?

And what is abuse? Does being made to feel like we’re useless, selfish and worthless constitute abuse?

Bruises, cuts, etc., heal within a short time. When you listen to someone tell you how rotten you are and how nobody wants you day after day, you begin to believe it. Verbal abuse takes years to heal but before that happens, it can ruin every part of your life. [Coping with an Abusive Relationship – How and Why Do Women Stay, 1991]

Let me know your thoughts. I’m interested in knowing why you stay with your husband even though you’re bored, unhappy or he tells you all the time how worthless you are. When the fire goes out, when you’re constantly hurting — what makes you stay? (you can leave an anonymous comment)

{photo source}

About KatieP

Embracing my midlife sexy while exploring modern love & relationships • Devoted to all things beautiful • Master of Arts in creative writing & non-fiction writing

19 thoughts on “Till Death Us Do Part”

  1. I know that this is not the question you asked but I’m responding anyway. Not all marriages end up like that. I’ve been married for 16 years and living with my husband for 20 years.

    I love my kids but at the same time look forward to the day I can go for a walk in the evening alone with him. I will miss my kids when they leave home but I will enjoy our alone time again.

    I guess you could say I’ve been extremely lucky. I don’t want to be anywhere else or with anyone else.

    I don’t want to sound condescending, but I wish everyone could feel like this. x

    1. I was hoping I would get someone to disagree with me so I could ask you this question — what is the secret? what have you done (or not done) to have such a great relationship? How did you know to pick the right man 20 years ago?

  3. I don’t know the answer to that, maybe we just chose right all those years ago, though we were both 17 when we met and for most that would be a disaster waiting to happen.

    I could say we work hard at it but I don’t believe that, our marriage isn’t hard work at all.

    Perhaps I can just tell you a bit about us and maybe someone else can spot the differences and figure out why we work.

    We moved away from home at 19.
    We got married on a Carribean Island at 22.
    I miscarried.
    We had our first child when were 26.
    We moved to New Zealand and started another new life together when we were 28, our son was 2.
    I miscarried.
    We had our second child in NZ.
    We moved to Australia, I was pregnant with my third child, my son was 5 and my daughter was 9 months.
    We had our third child in Australia.
    We have been in Australia now for seven years.
    We have no family support but we have no family interference.
    We support each other. We respect each other.
    We do things together and we do things apart.
    We have a beautiful home but we have no spare income for ourselves.
    We get tired and cranky.
    We talk or we just sit.
    Our life isn’t perfect but it is perfect.
    We dream of our future yet are happy with what we have now.
    He drives me crazy and he makes me laugh.
    I know him inside and out, but not at all.

    I still don’t know the answer but what I notice from what I wrote is that we are ‘we’. We are always ‘we’ and always will be ‘we’.

  4. Claire’s story is good. It is what I aspire to.
    My husband and I have separated. We are both now seeing other people.
    It was killing me inside. All of what you write rings true to me.
    We were wrong for each other, but I have to forgive him and forgive myself.

  5. I’ve never been married, but have been witnessing my mother’s unhealthy second marriage for nearly two decades now. She’s alluded to leaving, but I’m not sure she ever will. For awhile it was because of my sister (who is now 15), but now I just don’t know. I couldn’t count the number of times she’s been in tears, telling me she can’t do it anymore. But she still does. She’s not unhappy in the other areas of her life, and finds happiness outside of her marriage.

    One of the reasons she’s told me she doesn’t leave is because she doesn’t think she can go through it again. When her and my father divorced it nearly killed her (she was suicidal for a time). She still carries an immeasurable amount of guilt over leaving my father. I try to assure her that it would be different this time, and she agrees. When she and my father divorced she was only 26 and had two young children (my brother and I were 3 and 5, respectively). Only time will tell, but as much as I wish she would leave the toxic relationship she’s in now, I’m not sure she ever will.

  6. I didn’t stay. I was living all the things you wrote, and finally left with my two kids. I remarried, and after seven years and another child, my new husband was apparently living all the things you wrote, and left.

  7. Though you have no problems concerning conflicts and abuses, I find your present situation with your husband sad. I think you should try on connecting with him as well as communicate your concerns to him. Try bringing the happy times back by taking a vacation together. I hope everything turns out well.

  8. I’m not married. Been close a couple of times, but it has never felt right. However, my parents and all of my siblings are happily married. My observations have been that you need to both be invested in the success of the marriage.

    Claire is right–it shouldn’t be hard work. However, I don’t believe you can truly be happy in a relationship unless you invest yourself into the relationship. How can you expect to have a long-term relationship when you can’t even stand to be alone together?

    I’m not trying to be offensive and I’m not stating that I know what or how marriage is…but from what I have seen, I think that Rob Base and DJ Easy Rock had it right when they said, “it takes two to make a thing go right.”

    BOTH parties need to want too make it work. I don’t know how to achieve that, but I think the first step is communication. 🙂

    1. I think communication is a big part of it. You must be able to talk about everything. With my ex-husband I was always too scared to say what I thought in case he got mad at me. With Duckfish (BF) there is nothing we don’t talk about.

  9. My ex left when he realised I wasn’t believing the “stories” anymore so he found someone else to listen and then we bcame better friends than lovers – any relationship regardless of that piece of paper will not survive without truth in all things and communication and a desire to communicate. I won’t lie – it hurt like hell and I doubted my ability to get up and keep going but you know what I had to – for my own self respect . I think only the death of a spouse outweighs getting your certificate of divorce in the mail – it is so easy to tear a relationship apart over what in the end amounts to nothing. I always thought we could do anything and get through anything so long as we did it together – maybe that is the secret to a happy relationship – “we” and so long as it is “we” maybe just maybe we who don’t have that at the moment will succeed if that is what we want – thanks for letting me vent x

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