I had an affair and I’m not ashamed

I had an affair and I'm not ashamed

If I had been born at a different time you might have stoned me, or forced me to wear a scarlet letter upon my dress. I am the women you talk about in hushed tones. I am the kind of women you hope is never alone with your husband.

I had an affair.

The circumstances of my adultery are difficult and complicated. There is little point in explaining the details, because you’ll just brush them aside as excuses. The fact remains that I fell into an intimate relationship with a man who wasn’t my husband and for some of you, that makes me a lesser kind of woman.

You tell me you expect it from men who are driven by their physical desires, but not of a woman. Women, you say, are better than that, they’re more civilised and intelligent, more loving and selfless. Women, decent women, would never inflict that kind of pain.

I had an affair and I’m still a decent human being.

I am happy you have a blissful marriage where your partner meets your physical and emotional needs — I wish all of us could enjoy such a union. But some marriages are cruel and exhausting and force you to crawl over broken glass in the dark.

Sometimes the only relief from bleeding hands is to press them into the chest of another man. And when that man whispers kind words which make you feel beautiful and important and real again, it is impossible not to fall in love. You cannot push away the only comfort you’ve been offered in years no more than you can resist the offer of a cool drink when you’re lost in the desert.

I had an affair and it made me brave.

Now you brand me for the rest of my days — once a cheat, always a cheat. You look at my current lover with pity, knowing I will stray from him sooner or later. You disbelieve my appearance of happiness, believing that if I’ve fucked up one relationship, I’ll do it again.

Perhaps I will, and perhaps I won’t. It isn’t for you to decide. You have no right to judge me, because you don’t know me. You may believe what I did is not okay, but that’s only because you’ve never been where I’ve been, or seen what I’ve seen.

I had an affair and I have no regrets.

We women, we’re good at keeping secrets. We’re so good at maintaining our privacy that we teach our lovers how to not get caught. We use our invisibility to our advantage and slip away unnoticed. Our skill at wearing a mask of happiness comes in handy.

I had an affair and I’m not alone.

I am a woman who made choices you might never make because she lived a life you never had to live. I am a woman who rediscovered herself as she lay tangled in white hotel sheets on a hot afternoon in January. I am a woman who can only be whole and healed and well now because she did what she did.

I had an affair and I’m not ashamed.

i had an affair and I'm not ashamed T

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About KatieP

Embracing my midlife sexy while exploring modern love & relationships • Devoted to all things beautiful • Master of Arts in creative writing & non-fiction writing

119 thoughts on “I had an affair and I’m not ashamed

  1. Thank you for writing this. It’s important to share your experience. It will help a lot of people that have been there. And help others to understand better. I don’t judge you or think any less of you at all. I respect you! I don’t think “once a cheater, always a cheater”. I hear the circumstances you were in. That was what happened in those circumstances. And it sounds like it was the best thing for you at that time. You are human. We all are. I know people speak very harshly about cheating. It’s because they were hurt or because it’s a fear or because they don’t understand. When I don’t understand I choose to wait and learn more, not judge. I’m sorry you have had to feel that way. You are a good human just living life and growing and learning. Like the rest of us. Life is complicated. And it’s in the past. It doesn’t define you, not in a negative way. Thanks for writing this! <3

      1. Yeah! I may not have had this experience. But, I have my own messy life, shades of grey. Enough to understand your experience from reading about it. We need things like this out there for people to read and be more compassionate about these messy life experiences of growing, and the humans behind them.

      2. I am a man in the middle of an affair. Toughest thing ever so many things are missing from my marriage but I can’t find the strength to leave. I feel so lost my affair partner is fascinated with me I have considered just going for it with her and giving her my heart but I’m so scared and I have a 5 year old daughter I adore this sucks so bad. I cry all the time

  2. Katie yours is a story that many others have lived. And will continue living. I am saddened to know how unhappy you were. And hope that you have found much greater security and joy. Especially in yourself.

      1. I too went through something like this but, I wasn’t the married one. I have some regrets but, not all. I was in a bad place at the time. I’m married now and have often thought of cheating as my husband has treated me very bad. But, I go to my faith and don’t cheat. It’s very hard and very tempting not to cheat. I was always one to say leave the person before you cheat. I now, can fully understand why people cheat. My husband was/is into porn. Says he is no longer but, treats me the same at arms length. We’ve been married since December 4, 2012 and maybe intimate 4/5 times. I really can’t remember. He has said terrible things to me about wanting to have sex with him. He asks me what’s wrong. I said I don’t want a fight. He promises he won’t. I talk and it’s a fight. Hitting walls, throwing things and screaming. Getting literally in my face. I’m more ashamed then anything because if it was my daughter’s I would have told them to leave. He says now he’s going to change but, is it too late? Is it too late for me? I love my husband but, I can’t believe the way I have allowed him to treat me with no respect. I look through all my relationships and I really pick them good. All the same.

        1. Laurie,
          I SO understand your pain. My husband cheated and was a heavy porn addict. He never wanted me unless it was to perform some act he’d seen that day, otherwise I’d sob regularly, begging for real love and affection, for intimate love making not for him to use my body as his masterbation tool while he imagined screwing some pathetic thing he’d seen earlier that day. Like you, I didn’t cheat either. I don’t think I’m a saint I just believed God would “reward” me for not doing it to him. But that reward never came. I eventually caught him sexting someone else and rather than be humble and apologize, he walked out. Being the narcissist he is he tells his new conquests that I was the one who cheated on him. He certainly deserved it, I wish I’d left him instead. I’m now in a relationship with an amazing man who is loyal, who meets all my needs, and offers the warmth and love I craved for all those desperately painful, sad and lonely years. As I lay wrapped in his arms every night, I never regret that my ex walked out. It was the best gift he ever gave me. I get why women cheat on their self entitled husbands who have taken them for granted and broken their spirits. He deserved it to happen to him. But I figure his karma is watching me be the happiest I’ve ever been… But not with him…with another man. I hope you will be loved like you crave and deserve. Don’t settle sweetie. A bird rarely changes its colors. Xxoo

          1. Being married for 12 years now and my husband cheated throughout our marriage. Recently I’ve found myself filling for a divorce which in a way opened great doors for me. Now I’m seeing the most loving, caring and adorable man. But this only happened when I started loving myself more and trusting that God loves me more than any person could ever love me… #selflove

  3. Good for you–sharing this story and being unashamed of what you did. No one can understand what goes on in a marriage and it’s not for us to judge.

    Your honesty is a gift for many women, and men. Thank you.

  4. I grew up with a certain moral code (divorce bad, premarital sex bad, etc.) That’s how it was going into my early teens. And then I found out my father had been divorced before he met my mother, and one of my cousins birth timing spoke of her conception before marriage….speaking of your world being rocked. I learned quickly, as an adult, that life is not black and white. We are all human. None of us know the truth about another person’s life. None of us have been elected as the judges of humanity.

  5. This must have been tough to write, but so necessary. All I can say is I have been there. I believe some of us have to walk through fire and hot coals to cleanse our souls to open to a new beginning. I hope your post gives more women the ticket to get out of their terrible relationships/marriages and move on to ultimate happiness.

  6. You had an affair and you have no reason to be ashamed. It’s monogamy that’s unnatural, against every grain of our biological selves. It’s monogamy that’s an imposition of society and culture and the man-driven theology that permeats civilization. It’s monogamy that should be ashamed, for setting impossible goals and impossible rules.

    1. Monogamy is not impossible and no we shouldn’t be ashamed to be monogamous.it is not unnatural. What has happened to our society that everyone cheers on an adulterer? Do bored man nothing? If you aren’t happy, get out. I’m sure she would have thrown a fit if her husband cheated on her.

  7. We don’t judge you, Katie. Every life… EVERY relationship is not always what it seems. Your post is a great companion piece to the one Margaret Rutherford wrote this week. We should all be more compassionate and try role reversing. Even if we don’t know all the facts, the story is rarely what it seems. Brenda

    1. I pose the question — how would you react if it was your daughter or your closest friend — wouldn’t you find a way to understand then?
      Thank you for your great comment.

  8. So. I can see how you think people would judge you. How do you think they would judge him? Like…not so bad because he (presumably) wasn’t attached? Or the same because he also knew you were married and that’s ‘not supposed to’? Or worse, because he knew you were attached and went right on ahead anyway, without the explanation of a horrendous, loveless marriage to make it okay(er?).

    Not judging, because I have precisely no ethical leg to stand on. Certainly no moral one. But I’d love to know your thoughts.

    1. Men get judged different ways in this situation — he took advantage, he couldn’t resist temptation, he was just in it for the sex, or that’s just the way men are. None of those judgments are a true summary of the circumstances. Human relationships are complicated and many layered.

      1. Yes. That’s true. So you’d say a case-by-case basis for people who get into relationships with married people? Not trying to piss you off – genuinely trying to glean your opinion here. I think relatively few people would be willing to discuss it.

        1. I’m not advocating adultery as a legitimate lifestyle choice (unless it’s an agreement made by both parties in the marriage), I’m just saying that I had an affair, I own it, and I don’t feel guilt, shame or regret for the decision I made.

          Had I not been in the circumstances I was, perhaps I would have made a different choice. But as Dena said in another comment, I did the best I could.

          1. Yes, you did. And I think what you did is completely explainable, and I’m glad you’re not beating yourself up about it. You’re brave to write it, and I appreciate you taking the time to offer further thoughts 🙂

            I guess I’m just trying to figure out a thing.

      1. I suppose I’m skirting around the issue of how trying to figure out how ‘despicable’ (on a judgy scale) the unmarried party in an affair would be.

        Even though doubtless all the same things apply, and the complexity of human relationship and circumstances and the rest.

        Call it ‘asking for a friend’…

        1. Oh, now I understand. We were both married to other people — so on the “judgy” scale we were equally culpable.

          If there were an unmarried party, I would think they would be less “despicable” in the eyes of others because they wouldn’t have to deceive their spouse. But then again, single people have full access to the dating pool so they have no reason to wander into the land of the wedded…

          In matters of sex and relationships, it seems whatever you do is going to upset some people. My advice is just try to be kind to everyone, but if you can’t manage that, be kind to yourself.

          1. Somewhere along the lines of ‘the heart wants what (or who) it wants’ and between those shady grey areas, I think some kind of um…willing disconnect based in hope and all the bads that lead to a married person even contemplating an ‘other’, may have occurred.

            You’re right. People will always find a way to judge. Guess I’m just wondering about my own viewpoint.

  9. While I understand being a part of a broken marriage all too well, I still don’t feel like adultery can ever be justified.

    I longed for years about leaving my first wife. Fantasized it. Wished it. Craved it. But as crazy as it sounds, I was determined not to break my vows. And I didn’t. At least until I could no longer stand being in that marriage and left her. I didn’t seek the love of another woman until I left her. Finding someone else would not have fixed my fucked up marriage.

    To be clear, I don’t think you’re a monster or a horrible person. I just think it makes more sense to remove yourself from a horrible situation rather than start an affair that only adds to your stress since it must be hidden. I also think if you’re going to break your commitment to someone you should tell them first.

    Again, you did what you felt you needed to do the best you knew how. This is all merely an opinion based on my experiences and beliefs. I hope you’re in a much better situation now.

    1. Okayso…I see your point. I just want to ask (and my BTFFFL, I’m not trying to piss you off – I just want to hear your opinion) – if you feel that the marriage is so dead that one of you is considering an affair, do you feel as though the commitment/marriage vows are still being upheld and valid and so worth not ‘breaking’ further?

      I’m struggling with this concept atm.

      1. Well, the other person might not know that he/she isn’t holding up their end of the marriage. There might be a communication issue. There could be, as in my second marriage, an unwillingness to see that vows are not being upheld.

        Frankly, if you’re so unhappy in a marriage that you long for another person, or are considering an affair, shouldn’t you leave the marriage? What point is there in staying in it?

    2. Sometimes it’s hard to believe you CAN leave when you’ve started to think you deserve to be treated badly.

      Sometimes it’s difficult to be honest when you’re frightened of the reaction you’ll get.

      Sometimes it’s an awful, horrible mess that you have no idea how to put right.

      It’s not always as simple and clear cut as you describe.

      1. If you are in an emotionally one sided relationship whereby the partner is controlling, you do not always see what you have become. Another man can inadvertently show you this, and remind you of your worth. This enlightenment saved my relationship (so far), I am still wary. First time I have admitted that.

  10. I had an affair, too … or I told my ex that I was leaving him, and had sex with a man 26 years younger than I was, after leaving … I was still married.

    We’re all doing the best we can, with what we have, think believe and know, at the time.

    In that deepest sense … we are all innocent.

    And you, like me, are brave, Katie.

  11. Thank you for your bravery in being so honest and open. I wrote a similar story on my blog about a week ago. It’s something I should have wrote a long time ago.

    I believe my affair was something I had to do. It proved to me that I deserved better, not just in my intimate/romance/sex life, but in all aspects of my life.

    Happiness matters.

  12. You brave woman, you!!! 🙂 I believe your affair was more than okay…(oops, that was a judgement, wasn’t it?). My personal belief is that relationships evolve and other people come into our lives to fulfill the needs that aren’t being met – The lack of love. The lack of respect. The lack of joy. I always hope that individuals follow their own gut instead of looking to the external, what “rules” society puts on us.

    Plus – monogamy schmonogamy…just sayin’. 😉

  13. Everyone who has NEVER done anything controversial and lived a life of perfection shout out ‘Yay!’…wow the silence is deafening.

    Thanks for having the courage to share one thing you did in a big wide life that was controversial. Personally, I don’t judge the entire person by one behavioural aspect. If anyone does consider what you did was ‘wrong’ then it is that particular behaviour they don’t like – not your entire being surely?

    Have to say I have been there, done that and I was in a relationship too. All four of us learned a great deal and have all moved on the better lives. Everything for a reason.

    Very brave post. Loved it.

  14. I don’t understand the world’s obsession to, as they say, “put him/her in their right place”. People judge without fully understanding and we condemn more than readily. What they don’t realize is that deep down, we’re all the same. Our circumstances are what makes us different.

    Sorry you have to go through this shit (and I’m not using the past tense on purpose). This was a brave post, one that needed to be written down.

  15. Thanks for writing this article. As a man It’s hard to see the other side of the pillow. Unfortunately, I’ve been the man with the bloody hands on my chest and felt used but I knew what I was getting into. Cheating is a tough subject to discuss because everyone always takes the moral road of “why not just leave” and that is hardly ever the easiest solution. Can’t wait to see what else you share!!!!

    1. I suppose we all use each other a little (perhaps a lot) but it’s how we get through the tough times. Thank you for your comment and for sharing your experience.

  16. I think you were brave to heal yourself, brave to move forward and brave to speak your truth. I’ll take that over the kind of women that would judge you without walking your walk.

  17. I would never judge anyone else because I simply don’t walk in your shoes. Who among us never, ever did something we shouldn’t have done? What? What? I thought so. Crickets.

    What a refreshing and honest post, Katie. Thank you for baring your soul with us.

  18. I love your honesty. I won’t pretend to know or understand what you have been through, as I’ve never been there but I do know that life is complicated. Relationships are rarely what they seem (at least not all the time) & human nature is complex. Your post was beautifully written & certainly didn’t make me want to judge you. #MidLifeLuv

  19. This is a difficult topic and you handled it well. I’m glad you are not drowning in guilt, and I do hope you have come to know happiness. No one can know the pain someone is suffering, and too easy for onlookers to jump to false conclusions.

  20. i totally relate to this. As long as it doesn’t make weak-minded people think it’s ok. I’m not judging coz uv been there too but I don’t want anyone to think and affair is the way out. I too agree that rather than an affair maybe u shd leave d marriage or seek a highly power for help and seek counseling and hope for the best.

  21. Bravo! And I completely understand and I’ve probably walked in similar flip-flops except I’m still in love with the other man, but had to stay in the marriage for the kids (I know the age-old excuse “for the kids.”) I’m thinking in today’s society with all the various situations, affairs are somewhat more acceptable. And for those who don’t accept, fuck ’em. I’ll gladly give them my flip flops.

  22. I had an affair 15 years ago with my boss. We were both married with kids. Both our marriages were abusive and soul destroying. Best thing I ever did. We eventually left the other ones, have been together ever since, have a beautiful little boy and are blissfully happy every day of our lives. So glad we didn’t follow “the rules”. Thank you for writing this. xx

    1. Lou, thank you so much for sharing your story. The media, the film and book industries depict infidelity in such a horrible way. “Ones cheaters, always cheaters,” or “Never marry a cheater, they will break your heart.” We never hear real-life, positive stories like yours. And they exist. People are shamed into not sharing them, but they exist. I’m so happy that by sharing her story, Katie has awakened a sharing wave.

      All the best to you and your beautiful family!

  23. Try walking in my shoes – that’s my answer to all the judgers out there.

    People are so quick to judge, criticize, and condemn. I wish they were as proactive when it comes to compassion, patience, and just having an open mind.

    Thank you for sharing such a personal experience in such a warm, kind, yet sharp and confident way. You’re a brave woman. It’s stories like yours that lead the way and teach people that it’s okay to live, however your magnificent life might unfold.

    Much love,

  24. This brought me back almost 40 years, when I, too, lead a secret life of deception. I never had guilt, for if I had I would have found an alternative (probably murder). I was judged by my husband, who was having several affairs at the time, as a terrible person but he was, to coin an old phrase, the pot calling the kettle black. I was never judged by my parents because they knew the bleakness of the marriage in which I was living. I remember my dad telling me he had wanted to tell me not to marry the man, and I asked him why he didn’t say something at the time, and he said I wouldn’t have believed him anyway. Leaving that marriage was the single most difficult thing I’ve ever done in my life, and also the most uplifting and rewarding. I have never looked back and I have no regrets, except the fact that I was unable to say good-bye to the “other” man who had brought so much joy and beauty into my life.

    1. Thank you for sharing your story, Tina.

      My mother said the same thing to me after I left my husband – “You should have left years ago.” I wish she had told me earlier. I swear I stayed partly because I didn’t want her to be disappointed in me.

  25. Marriage is hard work for sure, but at the end of the day we all deserve to be happy. Fighting a losing battle can be too much at some point, so I don’t think any less of you after reading this post. Both men and women need to feel important and loved. If one’s spouse can’t even do that for a person, what’s the point?

  26. Thank you for sharing your story. It gives people who are quick to judge something to think about. And I’m glad that you are in a better place now.

  27. So very well written. So concise. Love how you broke up the thoughts with those simple header statements. Love the look of your blog and always eager to see your pins on my Pinterest board. Thanks so much for contributing and just wanted to express my admiration. You really know what you are doing around here. You should publish this on Huffington Post or some other mainstream outlet. You are ready for the big time.

  28. No I firmly disagree, this isn’t me being old fashioned or judging but a sense of taking everyone’s feelings into account.

    I’ve been with my wife for 13 years and the fundamental rule laid down at the start is to keep communicating, she feels I’m being distant – tell me, I’ve left the toilet seat up – tell me, sex life needs spicing up – tell me.

    So many burn the bridge of communication without knowing and start to drift apart even sometimes into the arms of another but that still isn’t a reason for adultry.

    If the drifting is irreparable then both parties are at fault but for one to commit adultry isn’t justified, divorce and start again with dignity, not with a list of reasons on why.

    If there’s a list on why we’ve done this prepared subconsciously we know it’s not right.

  29. I am exactly at this point….I am not getting any love from my husband and haven’t in a long time. I started talking to someone I have known longer and recently I had a very intimate/romantic night with him and I DON’T regret it! I admire your honesty and I’m hoping I come out of this situation stronger!

    1. @Gabrielle

      I’m wondering how you expect to come out of this situation stronger?

      Cluvss has the right idea in the form of communication, what I’m seeing from this particular thread is people committing adultery and then trying to justify why they did it.

      Do marriage vows mean nothing anymore?

      1. well in being honest with my husband about it, we were able to talk about some very deeply rooted issues that both of us had been dealing with. He was struggling with his own addiction that I was unaware of.
        While we are both not feeling the love we once had I believe this is actually going to work out.
        Marriage vows are important but with months of disconnect it drives people to different thing. I am not justifying I am taking a terrible incident on both of our parts and believing it will push us to be stronger.

        1. I think that’s great but why did it need another man to be involved to come to this, Cluvss points out that communication bridges are burnt without knowing and I’ll be honest there has been times in the past where me and my wife had to have a serious chat about our relationship and since then we have been so much stronger for it but adultery was never on the cards, I married this woman for a reason and no matter what she goes through I’ll be there for her and her me.

          On the other foot I have a friend who’s wife committed adultery and even when the wife broke things off the gent sent pictures of his wife naked to my friend (the husband), there still together (it happened 10 years ago) and have had two children since.

          My point is we are sometimes so quick to look for others and forget why we are with our partners when things are looking bleak, we try to convince ourselves that I have reasons for cheating and my partner deserves this (some may disagree but if your stating reasons like “he doesn’t talk anymore” then in essence it’s the partners fault) but if we just talked or got outside help (not by another man in the bedroom!) we would see that things may not be as bad as they look.

          And again if the damage really is irreparable then we look at divorce and look for someone who treats us the way we should be treated.

    2. @GMO Husband

      I am happy you have a relationship where communication is welcomed and both of you want to find solutions to your problems.

      But sadly, not all of us have that luxury. Brittle, destructive, soul-destroying relationships make it difficult to think, let alone talk. Sometimes, we make decisions when we are in these kind of horrible circumstances and all we are doing is the best that we can.

      Please don’t lecture @Gabrielle (and by extension me as the original poster and the owner of this page) on the importance of marriage vows and the virtue of respect as though we have forgotten our moral compass in the heat of the moment.

      Believe me when I tell you we know what is right and wrong, but just like stealing bread for a starving child, sometimes morals aren’t enough to keep you alive.

      1. @Katie Paul

        I’m not sure where your coming to the conclusion that I’m lecturing anyone, having a different point of view and sharing my experience on this subject doesn’t fall in to the category of lecture.

        As I’ve stated before if the relationship is as you put it “brittle, destructive and soul-destroying” and there is no chance of reconciliation then divorce.

        You talk about the “luxury” of having communication? I’m baffled that it’s easier to hop into bed with another man than to sit down with your partner?

        Let’s just say you did sit down and talk, you approached your partner and said “I’m not happy, could we have a talk” what’s the worst that can happen?

        Finally stealing bread to feed a starving child vs adultery………sorry I just can’t put this into words.

        My point is I’m not trying to come across smug or condescending, I’m trying to offer advice from my own experience from a marriage that works (hopefully in my wife’s eyes too) if a woman (or man) is on the verge of this situation I’m saying please exhaust your options but don’t cheat on your partner.

  30. I didn’t have an affair, but I had a crush on man while my marriage was already going to pot. We talked a lot and I thought he had feelings for me too. Now, I’m divorced and the guy I had a crush on has a girlfriend. I told him how I felt, but he chose her instead. Jokes on me I guess? Now, I’m alone with no one.

  31. Wow, there is a lot of honesty going on here and in the comments. I’ve had an affair with a married man and it did nothing but wreck his family and my life. The pain and hurt is with me to this day and I never want it any other way. The damage it caused I would never wish on anyone, and the feelings of the affair keep me far from it. Our marriage is based on grace and hope, even if one of us isn’t fulfilling our end of the bargain, luckily I’m married to a man who knows we are two flawed humans working to be better together.

  32. I love this comment so much that I actually want to cheat on my wife with it and have comment babies….if she doesn’t delete it that is.

  33. I saw you’re post and was instantly intrigued. I wanted to know how someone could not feel bad about betrayal. I wanted to understand your point of view, but I simply could not. I am sorry about every thing you went through, but you had options. Always did. I was betrayed by my now ex-spouse. I am sure he and his mistress thought they had valid reasons also. I just do not validate them. I view their reasons as extremely selfish. I would have never chosen to be the betrayed wife. This betrayal was one of the worst experiences of my life. I would not wish it on my worst enemy. No one deserves to be treated that way. It does not matter what your horrible spouse did or did not do to you. It is about what you did in this situation. In the end, you have to be able to live with your choices. Apparently you can and are unashamed. To each their own. I wish you well.

  34. A lot of these comments are being unfairly quick to judge (in my opinion). I feel like people didn’t actually read the article or they failed to comprehend the point she was trying to make. She isn’t promoting an affair. We aren’t cheering on an adulterer. She isn’t an adulterer. She is a human being that had an affair. She has overcome a lot. Stuff you know nothing about. Have people taken the time to read her blog beyond this one article. She is saying that she isn’t going to wear a scarlet letter forever. And she doesn’t have to. She isn’t hiding the truth or pretending it never happened. She is openly sharing the truth. She is moving forward, and living her life, and being honest about herself and her past. She didn’t rape, abuse, murder. She was in a bad situation in the past and she had an affair in the past. It happened. She is telling her story.

  35. First of all I’m not condoning cheating, Infact I was the one cheated on. It was the worst most painful experience of my life. But that being said 90% of the time women nor men say I’m going to cheat on my spouse. It just happens someone fills a need they are missing & it escalates to a full blown affair. I’m not saying it’s right or wrong I’m saying it’s life & we are humans & it happens. Most times it turns us into lesser versions of ourself for a short period of time. Not always but sometimes. It’s great to say talk it out before it goes that far. But if the other person is not listening we can talk till we are blue in the face. It won’t matter.
    We are humans we make good choices & bad choices. And I am one of those high & mighty people that can say well I didn’t cheat. But I’m at fault for not listening that contributed to the point of him having an affair. Remember it takes 2, no one is ever innocent.

  36. I have just come across your post and I want to say thank you for writing the things that I have thought. I am generally a good person, I do not regret my actions, and no one has the right to judge me.

    Sometimes, you look at your life and you think that there is no way out. The walls have closed in, the deep chasm between you and the world grows wider and wider, and then there is a light. It allows you a knowing of yourself that you never previously had.

    I’m tired of the self-righteous, “I would never hurt my spouse in that way.” Yes, but what about the thousands of hurts, the bumps, the bruises, the cruel words, and silences that led to this place? When did having sex with another person trump all of those things?

  37. Wow! Hot topic! I was cheated on, recently divorced and still recovering. At this point in my life, I would say the only person that can judge my ex and his mistress, is me. Simply because it happened to me. AND I hope no one judges me because I’m doing the best that I can under my circumstances. Please note that I said,”at this point in my life” because one day I hope to genuinely forgive my ex. My ex is a good man who made a bad mistake and we will always care for each other. But right now, I am still very angry. I am glad you are able to articulate what happened to you, accept that what you did was the best you could under the circumstances and you were able to move on. You are a brave soul to bare it like you did and to be accepting of everyone’s views.

  38. Thank you. I needed to read this. 4 years post affair and I still struggle with the guilt even though I’m so much happier now (as is my ex who has since re-married). I’m tired of feeling like I’m walking around with a scarlet letter A on my chest. Thanks for giving me some perspective.

  39. I was a spouse who was cheated on, we vowed to always talk through our problems, to communicate but she fell for a guy at work, she said she loved me and that her lover was a bubble in time of a mistake, the pain I went through, the mind numbing thoughts that raced through my head, she even offered as a one time thing that I could find a woman to make things right, make things right??? I didn’t want anyone else, I wanted my wife, I wanted to turn back the clock but what good would it have done? we were happy, so how could I have stopped it? I see on here alot of sympathy and the search for validation for actions which have no place in a good persons heart, a sea of lost guilty people looking to hold each others hands and say “it’s ok” even as far to say as my actions warrented my adultery, please don’t respond, I’ve heard excuses & there are no answers.

  40. I understand that each situation is different. Please understand that being a betrayed by a spouse is one of the most painful experiences I’ve ever faced.

    Imagine if your”love” suddenly betrayed you unexpectedly in the same cold manner.

    You think you know, but it’s one of those things you have to experience to really understand.

    It literally feels like being stabbed in the heart by a person you trust the most. But only you don’t die, you burn in the pain….and there is NOTHING you can do except experience it.

    What of the intensity of pain of knowing your kids will suffer. You don’t know pain until you add that to seeing the deep emotional suffering in your child’s face when you break the news that Mommy and Daddy are divorcing.

    How much harder is it for us betrayed to have to face this alone. I’m sure cheaters feel bad, but you guys have emotional support while we … Often lost who we considered our best friend.

    So if people come on here judgemental please understand…..it is a very very very painful thing to have to endure.

    Please, if you are contemplating an affair….please don’t hurt someone like that. Talk to them, leave, be patient if there is resistance….but your happiness will probably pale in comparison to their hurt.

  41. I had an affair with my friends husband. Now they are divorced and we are a couple. Can I ever trust him to be faithful to me?

  42. I have just discovered your blog and I’m swallowing it in one go. So much you are saying is resonating with me. I cheated on my husband 2 years ago and just a couple of weeks ago had two consecutive chances which I didn’t act upon. After the affair which left me bruised and hurt for over a year, I wanted to leave him. I begged for a divorce. He would blame it on my mental state and on the other guy “tricking me” into having an affair. I was so heartbroken that I didn’t pull through the divorce. Now, just weeks ago I have met two exhilarating men. Completely different from each other and I know I could have had amazing and wonderful experiences of affairs with them. I didn’t do it and somehow this also left me broken and bruised. I love my husband like a friend, a brother. I itch every time he touches me and I feel almost disgusted of the thought of having sex with him again. I didn’t cheat and I’m not feeling at all better because of it. I told him I wanted divorce again, that it’s only a matter of time and chance when I will do it again. Yet, he refuses to leave me, says I need to seek psychological counseling to fix my mind…
    I have caused him so much hurt and I don’t want to hurt him anymore. I cannot find that spark in me to reignite our love. And yet he rather risks this than to let me go…

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