Why your self-love efforts aren’t working

when self love doesnt work

After I finished writing yesterday’s post on the three types of love strategies between a couple, it occurred to me that the same principles apply to self-love.

If you know how you receive love from others, you know how to receive it from yourself

Many people’s self-love efforts aren’t making any difference because people are following advice based on one of the three love strategies which isn’t important to them. For example, the classic “mirror work” exercise will only be successful for those who have a visual love strategy.

What’s my personal love strategy? A Refresher

The easiest way to work out your personal love strategy is to complete this sentence :

In order to know I am totally loved it is necessary for me…

  1. to be taken places and bought things or to be looked at with that special look? (VISUAL) OR
  2. to hear that special tone of voice or those special words? (AUDITORY) OR
  3. to be touched in a certain way or a certain place? (KINESTHETIC)

You can only choose one love strategy — not all three! (If you’re having a hard time, check the earlier post here)

Visual Self Love Strategy

~ taken places, bought things, looked at with that special look

If you have a visual love strategy, self-love involves surrounding yourself with pretty things — flowers, ornaments, art etc. Walking outside and seeing the beauty of nature will nourish your soul.

Allow yourself to spend time on your appearance doing whatever makes you feel attractive. Go to the hairdressers or get a manicure.  Spend money on good quality jewelry or shoes.

When you’re in front of the mirror, practice gazing deep into your own eyes with loving acceptance.

Your self-love strategy is connected to what you see.

Auditory Self Love Strategy

 ~ special tone of voice or special words

If you have an auditory love strategy, you should try meditation, affirmations and music as your pathway to self acceptance. The sounds of your life are important to you and they need to be harmonious.

Singing in a choir or playing a musical instrument might also be a way to love yourself. Take yourself to a classical orchestral concert or a heavy metal gig and lose yourself in the sound.

You probably hang on to every negative word people have said to you … let it go.

Your self-love strategy is connected to what you hear.

Kinesthetic Self Love Strategy

~ touched in a certain way or a certain place

If, like me, you have a kinesthetic love strategy, you will find comfort in tactile things. From snuggling up in a warm sweater, to feeling the sand between your toes, touch makes you feel better.

Having a massage and taking a hot bath will soothe and calm you. Perhaps you need to set up a private nook in your home so you can spend time curled up among silky smooth cushions and fluffy blankets. Swim in the ocean and sleep in satin sheets.

Your self-love strategy is connected to loving touch.

when self love doesnt work T

What do you think? Do the things you do to take great care of yourself connect with your relationship love strategy?

About KatieP

Embracing my midlife sexy while exploring modern love & relationships • Devoted to all things beautiful • Master of Arts in creative writing & non-fiction writing

18 thoughts on “Why your self-love efforts aren’t working

  1. Self-love is so important for us to live the best quality of life, Katie. So glad you wrote this because it’s something we don’t take the time to think about. Thanks for the reminder.

    For the record? I love surrounding myself with things that make me happy (aside from my husband and son!) and to hear the sound of birds, crickets and the ocean!

  2. I so agree with Cathy Chester, self-love is so important and so missed, Katie. As I was reading this, I began to think of my friends and how they fall into one of those three categories as well. It made me think, “hey, I can be a better friend by recognizing their love space!”. For me a manicure and new shoes is always where it’s at! Thanks, Katie!

  3. In order to value, nurture and appreciate ourselves, I think we need a combination of all of those. My husband died, and I have no children, but I’m a tough, independent woman. Sometimes too much so. My self love would involve making time for any of the things on your list. Brenda

  4. Hi Katie – great thought provoking piece thanks. I had to take a test once to see what my learning style is and I came out as a mix of all three (there were only two of us out of the whole class that did not have a dominant style). And I know you said we aren’t allowed 🙂 but I think I am the same with the way I show love to myself. I LOVE to play music while I paint in vivid colors and I love to feel the texture of the paint on my hands. It’s like a very heady mix of my senses all being pandered to at once. Very meditational. I lose hours of time like that!

  5. You make some great points. I just realized why I feel most at peace and loved when I’m in a clean, organized, beautiful environment — I’m a very visual person and that’s what helps me feel loved.

  6. I love this post and especially the visual self love strategy. Music and wine or a hot bath are always great ideas too. Music can help improve a mood greatly.

  7. I like the comment about remembering to love our friends, as well. I’m both kinesthetic (love the feel of fabric going through my fingers) and auditory. My problem of late, however, is that I’ve gotten so noised-out that even listening to my favorite music can set my teeth on edge. For me, silence is bliss.

  8. Fascinating post… I discovered I have a Kinesthetic love strategy on your other post, and thought I’d have a Visual strategy on self-love, but on deeper reflection, Kinesthetic is right for both…swimming, walking, shower, kicking through autumn leaves, even putting on a cuddly jumper are what makes me feel better. So thanks for this x

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