There are no words to describe what happened in my world yesterday. It is perhaps all too soon for this, but my blog has saved my life more than once and will again.
Yesterday someone died.
Yesterday someone whose only resemblance to the person I married was his physical body, chose death over life.
And I was the one to find that cold lifeless self-destroyed body.
The man that I fell in love with and married, had disappeared many, many years ago. I have already grieved for that loss. The man that was taken to the morgue yesterday was a stranger. A man already dead to feelings, experience and joy; a man consumed by a mental illness that stole the desire to embrace life.
This is not the way I thought my life would turn out. But here I am widowed at 45, yet still alive, brave and courageous.
If pain wants to take up residence in my life, then bring it on. I will not close down, I will not be destroyed, I will not choose to live anything less than a great big life.
I can get through this — the most horrible of circumstances — and emerge from the fires of hell cleansed and renewed.
Rest in peace Mr Katie — may you finally find love, joy and wonder in the bosom of the Universe.
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{ 33 comments… read them below or add one }
Katie, I am so, so sorry for what you are going through right now. There is no word that describes just exactly how much my heart goes out to you right now. I hope that some of the memories you made together can bring you some comfort through this time xxx
Katie, my heart goes out to you my lovely and I honestly don’t know what to say except that I am thinking of you and send you all my love. Nicole xxxxoooo
Katie, thinking of you at this very sad time. xx
Katie, so sorry to hear this news. I’m thinking of you
I’m so incredibly sorry. My thoughts are with you ((Hugs))
OMG, Katie. I have no words. Just sending you big, big(((((HUGS)))))).
Take care of you.
Carolyn xx
This is so sad. You are sharing this with us, keep on sharing. XXOO Em
xxxx
Katie I don’t know what to say. So sorry. My thoughts are with you. (((((hugs)))))
Frankie
Katie, I’m so sorry. I’m thinking of you xxxxx
Oh Katie, that is awful. I am so sorry to hear that. I couldn’t imagine what you would be going through. xoxox
Katie, I’m sorry. Hang in there. x
Yes you ARE strong and will come out of this experience even stronger.
LIFE is precious – it is a beautiful and sacred gift.
We all choose our own destiny.
He is no longer suffering, he is finally at peace.
Love you heaps x
OMG Katie! My thoughts and prayers are with you at this terrible time. Please take care of yourself
Hugs and kisses
rene xxx
My thoughts are with you.
Wishing you all the strength and courage in the world.
X Kate
oh my, i am so sorry for your loss. my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.
*hug*
I have no words.
They say your body is like a jacket, and you move through time leaving it behind eventually as the weather changes.
I’m sorry, though. Be well, Katie.
Oh Katie – I am stuck for words. I am so sad for your loss, my thoughts are with you. You are a very strong and courageous woman and will get through this; know that we are all with you xx
I am really sorry to hear of your loss Katie, I only hope that he does find peace now. big hugs. xxx
Such sad news…. (((Hugs))) and so sorry for your loss x x x
Dear Katie, you are a very strong person & hhave helped me on many occasions, probably more than you know. I am so sorry to hear of your loss. Erika
Sending you love and strength Katie. And lots of warm hugs xxoo
What a tragedy for you to discover Katie, and I am truly sorry for your loss; be strong and know that you have many who are praying for you and are here as a sounding board. Let your thoughts and feelings out; it will help tremendously. Charmaine
Katie – so sorry for what you are going through. i will be praying for strength for you. Hugs, Jess
I’m so very sorry to hear about this. My thoughts and prayers are with you, Katie.
(((hugs)))
I don’t have the words really but just know that I’m thinking of you. Thoughts and prayers and hugs your way.
Hi Katie, I am just catching up on your blog. I was shocked to read this and wanted to pass on my best wishes to you.
Very sorry to read this Katie…passing on all the best wishes and positive vibes that I can…I know it won’t help…but they are there for you anyway.
Belated deepest condolences Katie. I’m so sorry to hear of your loss. xxx
I don’t visit blogs anymore, I was just deleting some comment spam that just came up on my old blog which someone led me to checking up on you.
OMG Katie I had no idea you had been going through all this, it really sucks and I am really sorry.
On the bright side, things should only get better now, I wish you all the best!
So sorry to read of your pain. And so encouraged, to see you carry on. I lost a son to mental illness/suicide.
Hello (again) KatieP,
This may seem like an old post to you. Even the comments seem to have ceased the better part of a year ago. To me though, this post is as fresh as the day you wrote it. Your words are timeless and this is the first I have read them here, referenced in your post of February 11, 2011 (http://head-heart-health.com/2011/02/11/goodbye-mrs-h/).
I am not here to comment and open old wounds. I am here to mark with you your celebration of the rebirth you deserved. I am sorry for the journey you found necessary to reach “Goodbye Mrs H” today but I applaud your courage to have made it.
Thank you for sharing your grief and journey. I must walk a similar path from the opposite direction. Thank you for showing me that it can be done. I too hope to be able to “emerge from the fires of hell cleansed and renewed.” as my namesake implies.
Very sincerely thank you,
- Phoenix