There are no words to describe what happened in my world yesterday. It is perhaps all too soon for this, but my blog has saved my life more than once and will again.
Yesterday someone died.
Yesterday someone whose only resemblance to the person I married was his physical body, chose death over life.
And I was the one to find that cold lifeless self-destroyed body.
The man that I fell in love with and married, had disappeared many, many years ago. I have already grieved for that loss. The man that was taken to the morgue yesterday was a stranger. A man already dead to feelings, experience and joy; a man consumed by a mental illness that stole the desire to embrace life.
This is not the way I thought my life would turn out. But here I am widowed at 45, yet still alive, brave and courageous.
If pain wants to take up residence in my life, then bring it on. I will not close down, I will not be destroyed, I will not choose to live anything less than a great big life.
I can get through this — the most horrible of circumstances — and emerge from the fires of hell cleansed and renewed.
Rest in peace Mr Katie — may you finally find love, joy and wonder in the bosom of the Universe.