April isn’t my favourite month. Excluding the fact that Duckfish and I had our first date/shag on 5 April, there isn’t much else to celebrate. It was the month that J. killed himself, the month of his birthday and also my mother’s birthday (which isn’t as bad as the rest but I still find calling her quite stressful).
My body has undergone some trauma (eye surgery) and my physical health has reflected my emotional unease. I had a severe urinary tract infection for more than a week and I’ve only just stopped crying when I pee (unsolicited advice (1) they have antibiotics now that target the infection in your bladder and don’t give you thrush (which was why I didn’t go to the doctor sooner) and (2) you can take cranberry tablets instead of having to drink it (carbs eek!) and they really work). UTI = no sex which resulted in a major decline in my level of physical activity, level of endorphins and ability to relax.
So let’s just ignore April and start afresh. Yesterday was the beginning of May and I have re-committed to meditation and yoga. I finally feel like I am in a place where I can incorporate some of my “before” life into my “after” life. It might not make sense to you, but there are a lot of things, not necessarily bad things, that transport me back to my darker days so I’ve walked away from them. Little by little I’m working on finding a way to incorporate the good things back into my new life.
So all is good and as I move reluctantly into the short cold days of winter, I look forward to welcoming the spring of 2011 significantly lighter and more fully grown spiritually, mentally and physically.