When my husband died I died too. Today I realised the person who walked into that house on the morning of 15 April 2010 no longer exists.
Today, as I got my licence and Medicare card changed into my maiden name, I realised that there was now nothing left of the person known as Mrs H. I am no longer a wife, a body builder, a disordered eater, or ‘the head of all things’ at the Wh1te Sa1ls Asylum. I have a different name, body, address, marital status and job. I have an entirely different life and a different future.
I am surprised that I feel sad today. It occurs to me that there is no-one to bear witness to or share the memories of the 16 years I lived as Mrs H. Oddly enough, I can’t really remember that much of it and there is no-one and nothing left to remind me.
Don’t misunderstand me, I wouldn’t go back to my old life if I was given the chance. I don’t miss any of it (except the cat) and I am so happy to be in a wonderful loving relationship, healed from my body issues and about to embark on a new career. I feel like I have been re-born and this current version of KatieP is who I’ve always dreamed of being.
But death must precede re-birth, so today I silently honour the passing of all that used to be.
→ photo : Jason Spruill