I started an online conversation with a man who is blogging one long suicide note to his wife.
I wanted to tell him what killing yourself does to those who are left. I wanted to explain to him how my world was thrown into chaos 10 months ago when my husband chose death over life.
I tried to save him the way I could never save my husband. I thought that if I could say the right words I could change his mind and keep him alive.
He tried to make me understand. He came up with explanations and reasons. But I will never get it.
I can’t begin to know this man and I will not judge him. But I will not sit here behind my computer screen and watch him live or die. It is out of my control, and in the same way I couldn’t have said or done anything to make my husband want to live, I can’t do anything this time either.
It is terribly sad and breaks my heart to know of his suffering. But we all suffer. There are few of us who have not thought about finding a way to stop the pain. But for me, the gut wrenching avalanche of loss and grief taught me that joy and happiness beyond my imagination is always near. It might be a hackneyed cliché, but it is always darkest before the dawn.
Killing yourself is always an option, but it is not an inevitable choice when you run out of other options. There is always another way. And please don’t think you should do it out of kindness to another (stopping their pain and letting them move on) because suicide only increases the pain and makes moving on an act of unspeakable courage.
As a widow I am lucky, I have no children and I have found love and happiness with a man who was brave enough to stand beside me through the whole mess and aftermath of my husband’s death without wavering or flinching. He demonstrated unbelievable strength and character by loving me through the worst moments of my life.
But there are so many other wives and mothers who are left destroyed after their husbands chose to die. Just read Lori’s blog for an insight into the raw emotions of a 29-year-old woman with two children trying to survive after her husband hung himself in front of her just weeks ago.
I don’t get suicide. I never will. I send my love to those of you who want to die and those of you who are dealing with death in all its guises. I can’t change your world, I can’t make anything better, I can’t fix things even though I wish I could. All I can do is live my own life at my highest potential, and hope that it somehow helps you to want to do the same.
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PS: I lost another 0.6kg (75.2kg) in Week Two of Operation Free Zone taking my total to 2.7kg in 2 weeks. Of course I am pleased, but it doesn’t seem that important today.