When my husband killed himself three of his four brothers came down from Queensland to go through the house and take anything they wanted. The first thing they took was his computer — back to wherever they were staying — so they could trawl through his files.
When I went back into the house after his body had been taken away, the fire brigade had turned the power off because they feared a gas explosion. His computer was powered off and I never switched it back on.
So I have no idea what was on that computer. There were probably emails from me, and maybe even a goodbye note — I’ll never know. But what I do know was on there was a link to my blog because all of a sudden his family started reading it. In my post Closure I originally wrote something about his brothers sifting through his belongings like vultures and within a few hours I got a phone call from the only person still speaking to me, his cousin, telling me to stop blogging about J.
So I did. I removed the reference to his family and basically wrote nothing on my blog about how I was feeling about my husband’s suicide and its aftermath. This is one of my greatest regrets. I reverted to the same behaviour I had chosen throughout the long years of my marriage — I shut up in fear of offending someone.
Aside from my friend I’ve already talked about who shut down her blog after being attacked, there are three other people this has happened to. One has stopped blogging because someone found out he had more than one blog with different personas which upset someone, one has stopped blogging because she needs to talk about someone who could read it and the third is blogging on regardless.
To me, blogging is a sacred right which I will not relinquish because someone doesn’t like reading what I have to say. I don’t advocate spiteful personal attacks on recognisable people, but unless you know me in real life (and some of you do) you won’t even know who J. is/was and you won’t know his family either. The feelings I have are about me and my view of the world and I’m not an authority on other people’s thoughts, feelings and character. All I can talk about is how things affect me and that is the cathartic part.
If Duckfish and I ever split up, I will probably write about what an arsehole he is and glorify all his real and imagined flaws. Even the way I write about him now, doesn’t reflect his complete personality. I write how I feel when I’m with him and highlight his perfectness because I see him through the eyes of love and happiness. If I had a different perspective my words would be different.
The point is that MY story is MY story and the words on the screen are my way to get the thoughts to stop crashing in to each other in my brain. I know people read it, but they can either disagree or unsubscribe. I’ve only ever deleted one comment which was anonymous (of course) but said “I hope you get run over by a bus Kathy” which curiously is what the family used to call me.
Writing is a pathway to healing and no-one has the right to stop you walking that path. Don’t censor yourself or be silent because someone somewhere doesn’t like what you say. Blog on regardless my friends, your innermost thoughts are fascinating and challenging and we are comforted in knowing that we are not as alone as we might have imagined.
As you know, having someone I’d broken up with, tell me that my blogging about MY feelings, (I didn’t publicly blog any details of the breakup) had ensured there was no chance ever of reconciling..really floored me. I blogged privately for a while…that helped. But now I have decided not to blog at all.
I do miss it. I’ll be back soon, promise..maybe May? Depends how I’m feeling. Struggling still.
The book is wonderful. Thanks xxx
I’m glad you like the book.
Using the reason that you blogged honestly about your feelings (which is what attracted him to you in the first place) to finish the relationship doesn’t make any sense to me. But because we are all so complex and fragile, I am sure life isn’t meant to make sense. We just take the good with the bad, the ecstasy with the trauma and try to do the best we can.
There are so many people that love you Frankie, and we can’t wait to read your blog again soon.
Your last sentence says it all! I find your blog to be extremely fascinating!! We have never met but I find our lives (and thoughts!) to be very similar & I cannot tell you enough how comforting it has been. I no longer feel crazy or alone in my perspective on life… I hope you NEVER stop blogging
Beautiful.
Bullying is so easy on the internet, isn’t it? Geez, if you don’t like a blog because of its content or (more likely for me) the author’s awful writing, you can just stop reading it. Simple.
I’m glad nobody’s been able to scare you off, Katie.
Thanks KatieP.
– Phoenix
I agree, freedom of speech is a sacred right – I have commented on both of the blogs you mentioned and I think it’s a sad loss. I actually told your friend that even though I didn’t always agree with her blog content, I still enjoyed reading it. Bullying is the community’s loss.
x
just keep on writing Katie 🙂
After my brother died from a short fight with cancer, I blogged all my conflicted feelings about him, his death, and our childhood together. I got a horrid, hateful email from his wife which ripped me into more bleeding shards. I deleted any reference to my brother and haven’t written anything truly personal about it since. It is so terribly complex when my story overlaps with someone else’s and I’m still not sure which way to go on this. I would never write to increase someone else’s pain. Yet these are my stories. I resonate with what you have written here. Thank you.
Joyce, I understand how you feel. It is difficult to know what to do when pain is a shared experience. I try to live by the ideal — “first do no harm.” It gets hard though to decide if you’re doing more harm to yourself by staying silent than by speaking and hurting someone else.
Hopefully, by writing it down in the first place, even if it was deleted later, gave you a chance to get your feelings out into the open. There is healing in that act alone.