Right now, I’m not a good daughter, I’m not a good friend, and I’m probably not a very good girlfriend. The thing is that I don’t have a capacity to give of myself to other people.
I can’t be the peacemaker, the funny girl, the problem solver, the inspiration, or the one who rolls with the punches. I can’t take into account what you need, and make sure you get it. I can’t remember that you’re particularly sensitive about a particular topic and studiously avoid it.
You might think I’m fine, that I’m always happy and I’m a fully functioning adult. But I’m not. Duckfish is probably the only one who knows that I come “undone” at least once a day. Most of the time it is just a fleeting cloud that passes across the sun, but sometimes it is a full-on black hole that I tumble in to.
I know I am fragile and selfish. I have no capacity to even comprehend what you need from me and I am incapable of giving even if I knew. Things still seem irrelevant and trivial compared to life and death. If you are upset because I forgot to say “thank you” then it’s probably because something else distracted me.
It doesn’t mean that I love you any less. It doesn’t mean that I don’t appreciate your support and love. But I am incapable of expressing my true feelings beyond the safety of one single person. I can’t find any words to articulate how I feel so phone calls, blogs and emails are exercises in frustration.
Those of you who have witnessed death right at your doorstep will know that it changes you. Your whole perspective of the world changes. Right now, I can’t be what my mother and my friends want me to be and they are angry at me. But believe me when I say I care for you even more than I did before and I want you to know that I’m doing the best that I can. I’m not being a bitch, I’m not shutting you out, I’m not ungrateful or purposely mean, I’m just holding on with both hands and I don’t have a free hand to give you.
I’m saying I can’t .