Perhaps it is true that our greatest fear is to appear foolish. When I think about telling the truth, my stomach clenches into a knot. If you knew what really happened, how I really feel, you would realise how stupid I am. And if I no longer believe I am smart and sensible and self-aware, then who am I?
If I examine what happened, explain the choices I made, I’ll discover someone ridiculous. Only a dumb person would do what I did. And maybe I haven’t changed.
I don’t sit in judgment of other people — I judge myself. I know how defective I am without needing anyone else to tell me. If I reveal what I really feel, who I truly am, then you will agree with my assessment. I won’t be able to hide.
You call me shallow, a slut, a whore; someone who puts their physical pleasure ahead of decency and compassion. You would be right of course, that’s what I did. Sometimes I feel I deserve your judgment.
I don’t know where this lack of self-esteem comes from. I can go for hours, sometimes days, believing I’m a good person and then it all comes crashing down. Do I deserve to be happy if it makes someone else unhappy? Am I here to be of service to those who need me or should I follow my bliss no matter what the cost?
Am I deluded in believing my intentions are honourable? Do you look and me and laugh at how foolish I am?
So I don’t really tell you my secrets. I skirt around them trying to make what is dark and foetid seem beautiful and important. The thought of slicing open my chest so you can see my poisoned heart makes me ill.
So I hold on to my nightmares as tightly as I hold on to the hope that you will never discover that I am simply and overwhelmingly foolish.
6 thoughts on “Foolish”
We all have and feel these moments of foolishness. We can’t be perfect all or even most of the time. And it’s those mistakes and foolish choices and decisions that eventually lead us to making the right ones, the good ones. Being vulnerable is frightening, but it takes the greatest strength. And following your bliss IS being of service to others! You are a great example of how to live for yourself and not let others take away your power or strength. 🙂
Thank you Celynne — a lovely reminder of what I also know to be true x
I read this in bed every Sunday. I kinda wonder if you live in the past an awful lot?
“After skin and bones, memory is what people are made of. And if memory is what people are made of, then people are made of loss. The present is all that’s genuinely available to anyone, and the present is fleeting, always turning instantly to the past.” ~ Bill Roorbach
Great quote. I guess I was commenting on how I rarely read posts about future dreams and goals but I am sure aim wrong and you could point me to many. Lots of loss in my life too so not being critical.
Good point, Jodie, about how little I write about my dreams and goals. It’s probably a reflection on my present occupation which is writing memoir. Curiously, I don’t have clear compelling dreams for the future — not knowing how things are going to turn out is what makes life so exciting.
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