Past Loves

→ List the names of everyone with whom you have ever been in love. Then write.


MY LIST of people I’ve been in love with has five names — Sean, Neil, Paul, Edward and Duckfish (not their actual names because it’s possible they might want some privacy). They are all on Facebook, so even though I haven’t seen three of them for over twenty-five years, I know how they look now they have grown older.

Sean, Paul, Edward and Duckfish are all over fifty and Neil is getting close. None of them look like older men. They all have a full head of hair, are in good physical shape and are still attractive. Their jobs include flying planes, selling cars, growing food, running a company and designing business computer systems.

Sean was my first love, when I was only sixteen. My parents forced us apart when they made me move from New Zealand to Australia. We never really broke up.

I went out with Neil in my teens. Although we never had real sex, he gave me my first orgasm. We drifted apart when I moved to another city to go to University.

Paul and I lived together in Cairns for a year in 1988. He was my first serious grown-up intimate relationship. He introduced me to marijuana, took me scuba diving on the Great Barrier Reef for my birthday, and once took me to a swingers party (only once).

Edward was the man I fell in love with amidst the debris of my crumbling marriage. We were only together a handful of times. I gave him up when I fell in love with Duckfish.

Duckfish and I have been shacking up together for three years this week. He is the only man in the list, who isn’t currently married.

When I think about Sean, Neil, Paul and Edward a feeling of warmth wells up in my chest. It seems to me that love stretches across time and isn’t corroded by distance. My heart grows larger each time I fall in love. Although I’m in a loving relationship, it doesn’t stop me still feeling an odd nostalgic kind of love for these kind, gentle and gracious men from my past.

It would be an interesting thing to meet them all in the flesh again … 

I hope they are happy. I hope they sometimes think of me the same way I think of them.

How many people have you been in love with? Do you stalk follow them on Facebook? Do you still have feelings for any of them? Is there anyone you would like to meet again?


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About KatieP

Embracing my midlife sexy while exploring modern love & relationships • Devoted to all things beautiful • Master of Arts in creative writing & non-fiction writing

5 thoughts on “Past Loves

  1. I’ve only really been in love twice, the first which ended horrifically with an eviction and fisticuffs between the young man and my father, the second which was complicated by half a continent’s distance between us. I haven’t seen the first in almost six years and honestly have no interest whatsoever in seeing him ever again, but I would love to see the second one more time. Even though neither was a healthy love for me, it’s hard to let go. I still deeply care for the second, and did care for the first for a long time after the eviction. I can’t actually e-stalk the first, which is probably for the better, but I’m still in contact with the second. Sometimes I wonder if that’s not keeping me from moving on to someone else, but who knows.

  2. I have had 6 major loves in my life. I married and divorced 1, one ended violently (as in he was violent) and the three that spanned from high school through college I am still in contact with. We are friends on Facebook and I can see their lives from afar. I still really value my time with them when we were young and treasure the fact that I still know them now. They have become amazing men, with creative lives and all are following their dreams.

    The man I am with now, the one who after 3 years of dating proposed this month is sort a culmination of all the best features of all those men in my life. They have all been great study partners. They were in my life in exactly the spaces in time they needed to be and prepared me for the love I have now.

    All of them mean the world to me and I regret nothing.

    1. What a lovely comment — you are lucky to have such a beautiful history of love. I especially like the idea that they prepared you for the love you have now. I totally agree.

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