Enough of the airy fairy feel good whicky whacky shit, today was fucked. This morning I tried on my favourite most forgiving jeans that I’ve been able to wear for the last five years except when they were too BIG, and I couldn’t button them up.
Today I am FAT. I know I am not meant to notice ‘what is’ and focus on daffodils and sunshine but for fuck’s sake, this is getting beyond a joke.
I am glad that I threw out my scales last week when Shelley was here because I would have weighed myself and then probably spent the whole day sobbing uncontrollably.
I am in conflict. For the last four months I have been the happiest I have ever been, and I have been binge free, but I’ve been eating whatever I like and now I’m carrying it around with me. I feel heavy and solid and exactly like the fat girl I left behind 5 years ago.
I don’t know what to do ~ I can’t keep wishing and hoping that a miracle will happen ~ I have to DO something. What? I don’t know.
And just to make things even more baffling, I experienced three amazing miracles today that proved that something is shifting in my reality. (1) I found the amazing quote that I’m posting in the morning (2) I talked to someone who is friends with a real estate agent who I talked to on the phone and is now on the lookout for our new house (3) I got the most amazing email from a stranger who touched my heart.
How did I eat today? Normal breakfast (pre the jeans episode), skipped lunch but snacked on the office Christmas treats all afternoon, skipped the work Christmas party because I didn’t want to eat any more (old habit back again), broke my Diet Coke abstinence and had a meatball sandwich for dinner. For better or worse, my anxiety reaction seems to be NOT eating rather than bingeing but I am not sure that’s progress …
I want to be happy, spiritual AND thin. I can’t seem to put it all together. Does food matter or not? Is intuitive eating the right approach or do I just do a more moderate diet to undo the damage?
Today is fucked, tomorrow will be better. I need to get over myself. The end.
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