Not the Mumma

forgot to have childrenFor someone who was married for sixteen years and is now in an ongoing relationship pirate ship, I am somewhat of an oddity because I don’t have children.

I have never been pregnant, never had morning sickness, never breastfed and never held my own baby. There is no one on this earth who has my genetic legacy.

I am 47 years old. My boyfriend already has three kids and a vasectomy. I shall leave this world without offspring to continue on.

It makes me sad.

It’s sad that I won’t have a child who is half me and half Duckfish. It’s sad that my husband never wanted kids and he convinced me I was too selfish to be a mother.

But I am grateful too. I’m grateful that I don’t have to explain to my children why their father committed suicide. I’m grateful I could leave my marriage without having to worry about the kids. I’m grateful that my boobs are still pert and my clacker is still tight. I’m grateful I never tried to get pregnant and maybe failed month after month, year after year.

Sadness and gratitude combine to leave a wistful longing, an out-of-focus dream of what might have been if only I had met Duckfish when I was younger.

Perhaps Duckfish and I had six kids together in a previous life, and this time around we’re enjoying the peace? Maybe next time we’ll find each other when I’m twenty-five, not forty-five and our children will be brilliant, gorgeous and talented?

As my ovaries release the few eggs I have left, my womb is screaming for a baby. It’s irrational. It’s biology.

And I dream of a baby … and she’s always a girl.

{photo source}

About KatieP

Embracing my midlife sexy while exploring modern love & relationships • Devoted to all things beautiful • Master of Arts in creative writing & non-fiction writing

20 thoughts on “Not the Mumma

  1. “A tight clacker” – you crack me up! That’s something to be proud of ;).

    Who knows? Life gives us what we’re here for and maybe this time round children weren’t on the cards for you.

    In your next life I see a truck load of children surrounding you and you going wtf ;).

  2. I’m not a mumma either, but it’s never felt weird. I have at times felt like smacking people that ask nosy questions about it though. Funnily enough, everyone assumes I have a medical problem. They never assume this about my partner… it’s a female thing, obviously. I adore my nieces and nephews and there is so much more we can do for them, not having kids of our own. Everyone wonders about what they don’t have though.

    I am glad that I was not born desperate to be a mother. I have a friend that has been trying for ten years and tried everything. She’s hugely in debt from IVF, and now her marriage has broken up under the strain. She’s 45 and still wants to keep trying, hubby or no hubby. She can’t let go and she can’t accept never having a baby of her own (does not want to adopt). I don’t know what will happen when she hits menopause. I can’t imagine being like that. It’s sad.

    1. Thanks for your comment Sara. I used to be certain I never wanted kids, but these days, I get a little wistful sometimes — until of course I hear kids screaming in the supermarket and then I’m glad to have been spared 🙂

  3. I echo Sara (even in regards to the lack of perky boobs LOL). I never wanted my own kids and as the days pass, I am really grateful. Like you, I ended up with a man who had three and a vasectomy. Now I get to play Grandma, as the youngest and her husband have their first son. Not sure if or when the older two (both boys) will have children.

    1. I’m looking forward to being Grandpa’s girlfriend when the time comes but Duckfish’s kids are still young (he had them late) so it won’t be for a few years.

  4. A few tears Katie, i was sure you had said previously it wasnt for you but know I can feel how things have changed for you. Is it really to late??

    On the other hand, i have a few you can borrow 😉 Archie is particularly cute but It is only borrow! I want him back 🙂

    Also said in the best possible way……..there are ‘times’ that things are so hard as a mum and maybe, just maybe the voice in my head says, take me away from this for just an hour or so (bearing in mind I have no family here to alleviate from us).

    Great to hear your positive outlook on it.

    1. Cheers Shar, I’m sure there are millions of mamas who long for time off at some time or another. I’m aware how lucky I am to have the choice to do whatever I want, whenever I want, without having to worry about looking after the kiddies. If you weren’t so far away I’d be borrowing Archie for sure! ♥

  5. Hey Katie,
    Pretty sure we’re twins….aren’t we??! Ages till I get step-grandchildren also, definitely get wistful (lets face it – we would have made awesome mums no matter how many kids), perky and tight. Yep….twins 🙂 xx

  6. I hear you on this one Katie, my ex and I (well I anyways) were trying to fall pregnant when we broke up so unfortunately time is no longer my friend. That does place us in an enviable position – all care and no responsibility is how a divorced father of 4 phrased it for me. Yes I do get wistful about it but if I can get to the end of my time on this earth and that be my only “regret” then it will have been a helluva ride regardless. And funnily enough in my dream, I always have twin boys 🙂

  7. Katie…you definitely brought tears to my eyes and a sadness for you and for your dream. I am sure though that like Susan you are the best ‘step-mum’. I see her with the three she has and they are very blessed to have her in their world as I’m sure yours are. Sometime life just doesn’t work out the way we had planned it to be but maybe, just maybe, it has made us into the wonderful people we are today. Was so good to read your blog and I for one am so glad to know that you are doing well. xx

    1. Hey Gaye — so lovely to hear from you ♥

      I’m sure you’re right — life never turns out how we dreamed it would, but that’s what makes us who we are. It’s all good … I’m blessed in so many ways.

  8. I think I mentioned the exact same thoughts in an email to you a while back. I have the same dream-but its a boy-and I feel those same feelings you do. Most people who are parents can’t possibly understand how we feel,they think we can fill the gap with ‘other peoples children’ but that doesn’t work for me. I hope one day to find peace around this but its good to know there’s someone else out there who feels the same as I do xxx

    1. Hi Beckie,
      I don’t know if I feel as much of a ‘gap’ as you do, but I do understand that sometimes we long for things we can’t have. You might not ever feel happy about it but you will find peace. x

  9. hi KatieP! I stumbled across your site and this post. Please add me to the list of folks sending hugs and saying we “know how you feel.” I’m the only child/last child of my mother’s side and sometimes I’ve felt the weight of “the end of the line” on my childless shoulders. I started my blog/website The for and about women without children, whether they chose to be or not. I hope you’ll stop by!

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