Sex • What’s the point again?

what is the point of sex

Lately I have been thinking a lot about sex… What’s it for again? What’s the point? I have totally lost any reason to do it. I feel like women have been brainwashed into believing that we should want to do “it” and if we don’t then there is something wrong with us and you better find some tricks to spice it up or talk yourself into it… Yeah okay. But why? Just to keep a man’s ego intact? That’s all I can come with. And yes it is wrecking my relationship. But I need more than to just want to make him happy and keep him agreeable to want to do it. I guess I want to want to do it… But can’t find any reasons to want to do it.

When I first read this email someone sent me, I admit, I flinched. And then I remembered that I used to feel like that too.

Lucky for me, my ex-husband didn’t want it that much. I’d only have to ‘do my duty’ once every couple of months. But I didn’t really see the point. If I felt like an orgasm (which wasn’t very often) I could get it done quicker and better by myself.

But these days things are different. I adore sex – with no climax; with one, two, three; or with so many I can’t determine where one ends and the next begins. Sweaty, urgent sex or slow, lazy sex. In the bed, on the couch, and on a deserted beach.

If you’re talking about just the physical act of sexual intercourse devoid of anything else, then unless it’s your preferred method for achieving an orgasm, then there might be little point in it.

But sex is more than what’s described in Biology text books. Sex is an art, not a science.

Sex is the highest expression of intimacy

The word intimate means to make known. To be intimate with another human being is to expose your true self without holding anything back. It means being naked physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually.

And the point of making yourself known is to discover and remember that who you are at your essence is beautiful, desirable and loveable. 

Sex is the purest expression of love

Sex is also the purest expression of love between two people. Being willing to reveal your true self, surrendering to the moment and connecting heart-to-heart is how love grows and stays strong. I love my partner so much that I want to get inside his skin. Sex is how I express how I feel about him.

If you’re willing to be present during sex, the result is connectedness on a primal level. It is intoxicating when you let it be. — Melanee

Sex is the art of giving

At the heart of sexual intimacy is two people giving themselves to each other. It’s a man who gets turned on by giving his woman pleasure more than by receiving it himself. It’s a woman who will forget all of her expectations of how a perfect relationship should be and instead simply surrender to her passion. There’s no withholding, no mind games and no agenda. Engaging in sex means giving yourself away.

Only when we give joyfully, without hesitation or thought of gain, can we truly know what love means. — Leo Buscaglia

Sex is a drug

(The point of sex is) to let all your headspace go and enjoy something that is fabulous. — Michelle

Good sex brings pleasure that can be experienced no other way. The rush of physical and emotional enjoyment lasts long after the encounter ends and spills over into the rest of your life. It’s like a drug that makes you feel invincible and the world becomes full of wonderful possibilities.

It’s like I lose all sense of being a single human being and become part of the whole fabric of the Universe. The edges of my body blur and melt into him, into the room, and out into the world. It is the most important thing I can do for myself, for my partner and for my relationships outside of the bedroom.

The point of sex is to bring you closer to yourself, to connect with the person you love, to give yourself away and to experience exquisite pleasure. That kind of sex brings release, relief, joy and love into your life. That kind of sex most definitely has a point!

what is the point of sex T

→ What’s the point of sex for you? Please share in the comments below.

About KatieP

Embracing my midlife sexy while exploring modern love & relationships • Devoted to all things beautiful • Master of Arts in creative writing & non-fiction writing

22 thoughts on “Sex • What’s the point again?

  1. Love your words.

    But no mention of getting your rocks off 😉 LOL

    Sex can be many things for me. It can be an act of love to both my husband and myself. A release of some kind, both physically and mentally. Where two people become one. An act of intuition where I can read what he wants, doesn’t want and/or needs. An experience of my own body awareness. An activity of positive body image.

    This is just what I thought of in a couple of minutes. I could expand on them but thinking about it is making me horny and my husband is now away for the next week. I could help myself but it’s not quite the same and besides I’d rather let the tension build for when he gets home and have one (or more) great, big, magical experience :).

    1. No point in getting excited if hubby’s not there 😀

      I like your idea about sex being an act of intuition — the practice of reading another person without words and just sensing what they want and feel. What a wonderful way to look at it!

  2. To me sex can be the simple joy of touching another persons body, everywhere, knowing they are getting as much pleasure from just your touch as you are enjoying the touching. It also means being completely free and doing whatever comes to mind that might be fun to try. Playfulness, being lost in the moments….It’s too bad I have not found anyone who holds my same views on the matter. As I age (more importantly as the men age) you need to be open to being more playful as things don’t exactly work the way they are suppose to but to me it’s just another excuse to keep trying until you get it “right”. Sometimes when I talk to women my age (54) and older they express the same feeling as your opening statements did…what’s the use and then I feel like a freak because I want and enjoy it more now because I’m older and more free about the whole thing. When I talk to my married male friends and the subject of sex comes up (which is often) I tell them how I feel about the subject and I ask them isn’t this what men talk about wanting in a partner? You know any time any place. I tell them I must be a freak. Why is that they are the ones that seem to run from it? The whole thing baffles me….to be such sexual beings and we have put so much stigma around it as to how you are suppose to act over the whole thing at different stages of your life. Is it about control?- that men have been doing the chasing and most of them don’t know what to do when they are the ones being chased? The outcome is the same (or maybe even better) so what is the difference? It’s the letting go in another persons arms and the simple joy of it, to trust another being to give your most intimate self…wow. Can it get any better than that…..

    1. It’s the letting go in another persons arms and the simple joy of it, to trust another being to give your most intimate self…wow. ~ Indeed.
      About men running away from sexually adventurous women — I think mostly they don’t know what to do. They get their education from porn movies and men’s magazines. It drives me crazy that so few men understand how the sexual dance should be done.

  3. That whole being open and trusting and giving yourself away is exactly why I can’t properly enjoy sex most of the time. I get TERRIFIED at the thought of openly feeling pleasure in front of my partner, like they would somehow be upset with me for enjoying myself or not paying them enough attention, which is ridiculous. I can count on my fingers the times I have REALLY enjoyed sex, and I’ve had more partners than I have fingers so it’s definitely not the other person just messing with my mojo. I personally blame it on performance anxiety, especially with my last boyfriend. We’d get into arguments over my not achieving orgasm, and somehow it was my fault, all on me, and if I didn’t have an orgasm I was proving that he was no good in bed AND that I was not actually attracted to him. Talk about pressure right? Half the battle for me now is not breaking into tears once I do manage to open up during sex; it’s just so physically and emotionally overwhelming. I already cry from joy and happiness, so no surprise good sex makes me want to cry too haha. Too bad that’s like the last reaction most men want afterward 😛

    1. My last boyfriend was the same way…I was too slow, I didn’t respond big enough, so therefore, it didn’t actually happen. How can you argue with someone while you’re still naked in bed with them…is that suppose to make you want him even more? So it does taint the way you react the next time. You can’t relax because you have all this noise in your head…When really if they were not already feeling insecure why would they try to blame what is happening all on the other person, the last time I check good sex really does require at least two people’s participation :^) ….communication might be of help but in my experience there is already a problem in that area and it has leaked into this too. Not an easy solution…I’m still looking for the answer myself.

      1. Focusing only on the destination (orgasm) is not what love making is for. We need to tell our men that it’s not always going to happen and it’s no-one’s ‘fault’ if it doesn’t. I think you’re right about communication — if you can’t talk about what’s going on there is always going to be too many assumptions and expectations. Talking will fix it (if the person is willing to listen) but it can be hard for our partners to understand what we need and want in bed.

    2. A man who doesn’t understand when a woman cries over sex is missing one of the most tender moments he could ever share with his lover. I cry all the time. Again, I’m wondering who’s teaching our men what real sex should be like … whoever it is they’re not doing a very good job!

  4. “An activity of positive body image.”
    I really like this comment… I have been thinking about the whole body image thing all the wrong way.. Thinking that to have good sex.. Or to even feel worthy of great sex you must first have no body image issues.. Thinking about this comment has helped me to see that perhaps allowing myself to be fully seen and loved by another is a wonderful way to develop a more positive body image.. a perfect pathway to really loving yourself… Thanks 🙂

    1. Shelley’s comment is spot on!
      No woman is ever free from worrying about her body so the day will never come when you’re 100% happy with the way you look (especially naked). Intimacy is a wonderful pathway to loving yourself – you see yourself through the eyes of someone who loves you and appreciate their desire of your imperfect body. Sex reminds us that love isn’t interested in size or shape, just the intention of our hearts.

  5. WTG Katie.. have missed discussing sex with you!
    Must get my act together and try to be in the same place as you!
    Boy oh boy.. my ex couldn’t but my last lover did “appreciate and desire my imperfect body”.. It was a relationship that had to happen for me to start to embrace my sexuality again. Love myself and appreciate my body for what it is.. not what it isn’t.

    Six months of someone loving and enjoying my body and how it responded in spite of its many blemishes [and extra folds] wasn’t quite enough though. To breakthough the negativity that my ex dumped on me & maintain ones self respect in face of such derision has been hard.
    I’m back to finding it hard to trust in a man again.. and VERY frustrated..

    I will soon be back to delve into TLM modules.. it has been a very full, inspiring, confusing, frustrating and fabulous month…
    Hugs xxx

  6. It’s just a fun thing to do, that makes the bod and mind feel all buzzy and wonderful. One of the many things I appreciate about sex is that, unlike nearly everything else in life, it’s not a goal orientated activity.

  7. The pleasure of sex can’t be denied. But, over the years, for many women libido does wane and the question “what’s the point” becomes reality. I think many people are living happy celibate lives. Each to their own!

  8. Sex is just plain fun. Sex is important to my mental and physical health. Sex is one of the ways my husband and I show we love each other. Sex is one of the gifts I give myself. All are true if I practice sex for myself and not for others.

  9. This is such a well written post. I also believe that it is not the physical act but truly the emotional bond combined with deep trust.

  10. Point of sex for me is: connection, pleasure, giving pleasure and expression. I think that wraps it up. and it’s perfect if the other person is on the same page where the point of sex for them is the same.

  11. I agree with every thing you just said and it is how I look at sex now but years ago, when I was in the darkest throws of my PTSD and I had just had a baby, I felt the same way the woman in your email felt. I didn’t see the point but I also lost my sex drive after having my first child and I was dealing with some serious emotional issues that took me a long time and a lot of therapy to work through. Now, though, the way you described sex in your post is exactly how I feel about it. Sex, to me can be a variety of things, depending on my mood. I love that sex is so intimate and it truly does make me feel (with the right person) a closeness with another human being that I’ve never felt before. Of course being single, I am missing out on that but I am looking forward to the day that I meet someone who makes me feel like that again. Great post! Visiting from #blogsharelearn

  12. Beyond the multiple health benefits (lowered blood pressure, decreased depression, increased sleep) the best part about sex is the incredible bond it fosters with my husband. We live the stereotype where he is hornier than me. Yet when we keep it regular we have a lower barrier to entry, I enjoy it more, and we both get our needs met. We show up for each other. Which means between the sheets too.

  13. I’m still right where the original email perspective is coming from. If I’m not horny, how am I supposed to get there so that I can enjoy sex? You just can’t enjoy it if if you literally aren’t getting in the mood– faking the mood to try to get there just feels disgusting. And there is so much pressure to get there because apparently having sex is the only way men truly believe you love them. Why is it that right up until you’re married, you’re told that sex does not equal love, and that you shouldn’t feel pressure to have sex. But the minute you’re married, sex DOES equal love, and if you aren’t dong it often enough you aren’t making him feel loved??? (And no, of course he’s not telling me these horrible things– he’s a wonderful person. But it’s what our culture has lead me to see, and I can’t help but see myself as horrible for “withholding” from him when I’m not in the mood!)
    I, too, “*want* to want to do it,” but can’t make myself want to do it. It’s not that I don’t enjoy it tons when I do manage to get in the mood, but that doesn’t lead to cravings for it later. I wish it did.

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