It is 9.31pm on a Monday night and I have just finished watching the HBO documentary called Thin.
Something weird is going on and the best way to get the thoughts out of my head is to write them down.
“I was never that bad” I say to myself. “I didn’t make myself throw up, I didn’t restrict myself to 200 calories a day, I was fine.”
The voice in my head that has been quiet for months is now shouting at me.
“For an intelligent woman you are really quite stupid. You talked yourself into having an eating disorder so you could have an excuse to give up your dream of being thin. You don’t have an ED, you are exactly what people think ~ you’re lazy, undisciplined and a quitter”.
I have no idea where this is coming from. These thoughts are so foreign it feels like a stranger in my head. It feels like the warm soft pillow of happiness has been brutally split into two halves and the stuffing is spewing out on to the floor.
Going on a diet can’t be that bad ~ millions of women do it every day. Now I know how to be joyful, surely I can do that and be thin? I want to be thin and I’m not. Why can’t I be happy AND thin ~ why do I have to choose?
All I have to do is count my calories and go back to the gym for a couple of months to drop some weight and then I can go back to eating intuitively etc. I can put up with a little bit a pain just until I feel comfortable in my skin again.
This is unexpected and frightening. It is either an enormous relapse or the brink of a breakthrough. Could it be that now that my soul is as still as a deep azure lake, I can see all the crap sitting on the bottom?
*feel how what I just wrote makes me feel*
Of course I’m not going to give up on living a joyful life and I’m not going to give up on having a lean, strong, healthy body. I can have both. I don’t know how, but I know enough to recognise that thoughts that overwhelm me with shame, worthlessness and disgust means that I am out of alignment with my Source. I can quickly recognise that feeling bad means I am no longer being true to my higher self.
I have also proven to myself that putting those sharp, blackened, deformed thoughts on paper (screen) exposes them to the light of my spirit and makes them crumble into dust, carried away by the cool evening breeze.
I did this ~ I crawled out of the hole in 20 minutes. It is 9.51pm on a Monday night and I am once again the fullest expression of my physical and non-physical self. I have created my reality which is hopeful, joyful and more amazing than any FUCKING stupid need to look like anyone else.
Fuck me, I am more powerful than I ever imagined.
**sorry ~ no time to edit, format, link or find an appropriate picture when you’re Exorcise Posting!