Standing on the edge

cliff{photo source}

When you look at me from the other side of the computer screen you probably think I’m deliriously happy all the time. I have everything I ever wanted — a wonderful man, a master’s degree almost finished and a budding online community of love ninjas. Yes, it all looks good.

But I’m having a tough time. I’m struggling.

I think I have to be happy, together and awesome all the time or I won’t make Duckfish happy and he’ll leave me.

If I’m upset when I think about the suicide, I worry he’ll be tired of me crying over something I should be over already.

When I feel too old, too big or too plain I get concerned he’ll see it too and start looking somewhere else.

When I launch the next intake for the Love Matrix Project and no-one signs up, I feel like a failure*. I’m disappointed and doubt that I have anything interesting to share with the world.

I’m standing on the edge of a cliff where my capacity to be happy and content is all that keeps me on firm ground. If I express how I’m really feeling, I risk losing the one person I really love and I topple over the edge into the abyss.

He tells me he loves me no matter what. He assures me my changing moods are just weather and don’t mean anything.

But if I’m fed up with myself, how is it possible he’s not fed up too?

Being in a relationship that could end at any moment no longer thrills me with risk, but cripples me with fear.

I don’t want to be alone. Duckfish is the best thing that ever happened to me.

I want to shut down and pretend everything is good and life is perfect. It’s easier than riding this emotional roller coaster knowing that too many dips in the ride might drive the love of my life away.

I want to love without expecting anything in return. But it’s so difficult.

I guess I do expect something … I expect pain.

It’s like an airline that’s never had a crash — does that mean that it’s a safe airline or that the odds are getting higher that it will happen soon?

The longer we stay together, is it more likely that we will crash and burn, or are we still together because we’re solid and safe?

Sometimes, it’s so fucking hard to tell.


*To help those who said they couldn’t afford it, I’ve reduced the price of the Love Matrix Project, provided two different membership options and added payment plans. Check it out here.

About KatieP

Embracing my midlife sexy while exploring modern love & relationships • Devoted to all things beautiful • Master of Arts in creative writing & non-fiction writing

10 thoughts on “Standing on the edge

  1. Way-powerful, and rawly honest, Katie … I get it.

    Thank you for baring your soul that way.

    We’re all a composite of both fear and confidence …. yeah, been dealing with this myself.

  2. well, holy shit, that could’ve been me writing that- I feel exactly the same way. Which is why I am struggling- it is an effort to maintain a certain standard of behaviour and emotion all the time, with a fear of what might be lost or happen if I don’t…I guess if I was asking you the question, you would tell me to just love and trust yourself, and him…

  3. Katie,
    I think your happy for the first time in a while and for some reason you still doubt that you deserve all this happiness and for some reason you’ve allowed fear to rear its ugly head. Don’t forget, as you remind us, you deserve happiness and the Masters you’re working so hard on; you deserve to be loved whether you’re up, down, crying, laughing, or just in-between. Right now the person loving you is Duckfish and I certainly hope you’re loving yourself; although, I know we tend to lavish all of our love on others before we love ourselves. Enjoy today; don’t worry about tomorrow – if something simple as your moods could drive away the man that has been by your side during the worst moments of your life, then I doubt he is ready for the fascinating ride you’re life is. My gut tells me though that the Katie magic has spun its spell; enjoy what you have today and please don’t worry about tomorrow.

    1. Thank you for the reminder Charmaine. I forget that he loved me even when I was a complete mess sometimes. And living in the moment — yes, it’s all about that! You are very wise ♥

  4. wow. i am sitting here with my mouth open. i think you read my mind.

    sometimes the potential for change is exciting and welcome, and sometimes the potential for change is outright terrifying and we pray that the change does not ever come. it is all about riding the moment, even the scary ones and the ones in which we have absolutely no control. That thought alone is terrifying for me.

    beautiful, honest, i love it.

    1. I read somewhere today that fear is excitement without the breath. Perhaps if we breathe more and just relax into it, the fear will transform? Thanks for your lovely comment x

  5. i just read the other responses and yes, of course trust is the answer. it is not always easy but it is the answer. throw it to the universe.

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