When you look at me from the other side of the computer screen you probably think I’m deliriously happy all the time. I have everything I ever wanted — a wonderful man, a master’s degree almost finished and a budding online community of love ninjas. Yes, it all looks good.
But I’m having a tough time. I’m struggling.
I think I have to be happy, together and awesome all the time or I won’t make Duckfish happy and he’ll leave me.
If I’m upset when I think about the suicide, I worry he’ll be tired of me crying over something I should be over already.
When I feel too old, too big or too plain I get concerned he’ll see it too and start looking somewhere else.
When I launch the next intake for the Love Matrix Project and no-one signs up, I feel like a failure*. I’m disappointed and doubt that I have anything interesting to share with the world.
I’m standing on the edge of a cliff where my capacity to be happy and content is all that keeps me on firm ground. If I express how I’m really feeling, I risk losing the one person I really love and I topple over the edge into the abyss.
He tells me he loves me no matter what. He assures me my changing moods are just weather and don’t mean anything.
But if I’m fed up with myself, how is it possible he’s not fed up too?
Being in a relationship that could end at any moment no longer thrills me with risk, but cripples me with fear.
I don’t want to be alone. Duckfish is the best thing that ever happened to me.
I want to shut down and pretend everything is good and life is perfect. It’s easier than riding this emotional roller coaster knowing that too many dips in the ride might drive the love of my life away.
I want to love without expecting anything in return. But it’s so difficult.
I guess I do expect something … I expect pain.
It’s like an airline that’s never had a crash — does that mean that it’s a safe airline or that the odds are getting higher that it will happen soon?
The longer we stay together, is it more likely that we will crash and burn, or are we still together because we’re solid and safe?
Sometimes, it’s so fucking hard to tell.