Sometimes I wondered if I had multiple personality disorder. It was like I was a totally different person depending on the situation I was in. Some of the time I was in control, kicking arse and proud of who I was, and other times I was drowning in insecurity.
When I used to be the “man in charge” at a big white building perched on the edge of Sydney Harbour, I was efficient and business like. Things needed doing, they needed doing immediately and they had to be done right. The Catholic priest who dismissed me as an insignificant girl soon found out his rude behaviour wouldn’t intimidate me. The selfish father who demanded extra stage time for his son realised quickly that when I said “sorry — he’s done,” there was no point arguing.
So how was it that when my mother decided to not speak to me for a month because I didn’t say thank you quickly enough for a ring she sent me I said nothing and wallowed in guilt?
How could I endure years without any displays of affection from my husband and not even mention it?
Why did I believe that unless I was wearing a size eight and could run for an hour without stopping that I wasn’t attractive or impressive?
Why did I feel like I was never enough?
It might be the same for you. Maybe you’re great with your friends and family, but when it comes to work you never say a word when someone takes advantage of you. Maybe your relationship with your partner is brilliant, but when you look in the mirror you cry because you know the weight you’ve gained is going to drive him away. Maybe you’re a high flyer at work, you’re surrounded by loving friends, you’re an exceptional wife and mother, you’re a naturally thin beauty and yet still you feel like something is missing.
There’s an ache in your heart for something more … and you don’t even know what it is …
So you have your little secret. It might be those pain killers you take a bit more regularly than you should, the overeating that happens when no-one else is home, the two bottles of wine you drink every night, or the new shoes that push your credit card debt even higher. You tell yourself — it’s not that bad, you’ll stop soon, you can sort it out.
Yet when you take away the pills, the food, the alcohol or the spending the emptiness that remains is unbearable.
My drug of choice was food. When my husband was at work and the emptiness threatened to tear me in half, I would dull the pain with raisin toast, ice-cream, chips and chocolate. I would eat until I was so physically full that the discomfort drove all other thoughts away. The emptiness was temporarily appeased but the worthlessness remained. My lack of self-control was just another item to add to the list of failures.
Now I know there wasn’t any love in my life. It wasn’t that other people didn’t love me, it was that I had no capacity to give love, receive love or be love. I was a frozen shell with a hollow centre.
I wanted to know why because I thought if I knew why then I could fix it. Like thinking a bruise on your leg is leukaemia after you consult WebMD, I came up with all the psychological illnesses that fit my symptoms. I had abandonment issues from being adopted, I had a shit childhood, I had married a man I chose with my head and not with my heart and I had an eating disorder. Although some or all of that might be true, I think the answer is so much simpler.
The reason I find it hard to connect deeply with other people is because I’m an introvert.
I believe the main reason we’re here is to experience love in all the layers of our life — from strangers and acquaintance to colleagues, friends, family, and lovers. Love gives life meaning and fills the empty hole in our hearts. But when being alone is hard-wired into you, experiencing heart-centred relationships is a challenge.
So that’s why I’m a Love Ninja. It’s the perfect way to love for an introvert.
I practice being open in love in all my multiple personalities. I’m a warrior out in the world – fighting gracefully for what is important to me; I’m a queen with my family and friends – leading and nurturing those close to me; I’m a lover with my partner – surrendering to my feminine desires and being ravished in love; and I’m a goddess at my core – full of contradictions and flaws and yet beautifully vulnerable.
And most of all I love quietly, stealthily and without fanfare. I practice my skills and complete my missions with little fuss. I employ strategies and techniques that allow me to love fiercely and with purpose.
And I no longer do it alone. I have pulled down the walls and now I share my Love Ninja skills with women exactly like me — learning how to connect authentically with other humans when it doesn’t come naturally.
Your doorway to the Love Ninja community is now open
Over the past three months twelve other Love Ninjas and I have been putting the final touches on the Love Matrix Project. We are almost ready to open the doors to the public for the first time and invite you to train, study and share alongside us.
As a beloved reader of my blog, I’m offering you the chance to win a scholarship to the Love Matrix Project and receive your Love Ninja tuition for free. All you have to do is answer the following question in the comments*:
“I need Love Ninja training because ___________.” (fill in the blank)
If you want more information about the Love Matrix Project – click here.
- Tuition is valued at $295 and covers six months membership to the Love Matrix Project.
- The scholarship will be awarded based on the quality and authenticity of the reader’s comment and isn’t a random draw.
- *Only one entry per person on this site. If you want to leave a second (different) comment for an extra chance to win – you can comment on this post link on my Facebook page.
- Entries close midnight Wednesday 14 March 2012 Australian Eastern Summer Time.
Good luck. I can’t wait to read your comments ♥