The real reason why something was missing in my life


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Sometimes I wondered if I had multiple personality disorder. It was like I was a totally different person depending on the situation I was in. Some of the time I was in control, kicking arse and proud of who I was, and other times I was drowning in insecurity.

When I used to be the “man in charge” at a big white building perched on the edge of Sydney Harbour, I was efficient and business like. Things needed doing, they needed doing immediately and they had to be done right. The Catholic priest who dismissed me as an insignificant girl soon found out his rude behaviour wouldn’t intimidate me. The selfish father who demanded extra stage time for his son realised quickly that when I said “sorry — he’s done,” there was no point arguing.

So how was it that when my mother decided to not speak to me for a month because I didn’t say thank you quickly enough for a ring she sent me I said nothing and wallowed in guilt?

How could I endure years without any displays of affection from my husband and not even mention it?

Why did I believe that unless I was wearing a size eight and could run for an hour without stopping that I wasn’t attractive or impressive?

Why did I feel like I was never enough?

It might be the same for you. Maybe you’re great with your friends and family, but when it comes to work you never say a word when someone takes advantage of you. Maybe your relationship with your partner is brilliant, but when you look in the mirror you cry because you know the weight you’ve gained is going to drive him away. Maybe you’re a high flyer at work, you’re surrounded by loving friends, you’re an exceptional wife and mother, you’re a naturally thin beauty and yet still you feel like something is missing.

There’s an ache in your heart for something more … and you don’t even know what it is …

So you have your little secret. It might be those pain killers you take a bit more regularly than you should, the overeating that happens when no-one else is home, the two bottles of wine you drink every night, or the new shoes that push your credit card debt even higher. You tell yourself — it’s not that bad, you’ll stop soon, you can sort it out.

Yet when you take away the pills, the food, the alcohol or the spending the emptiness that remains is unbearable.

My drug of choice was food. When my husband was at work and the emptiness threatened to tear me in half, I would dull the pain with raisin toast, ice-cream, chips and chocolate. I would eat until I was so physically full that the discomfort drove all other thoughts away. The emptiness was temporarily appeased but the worthlessness remained. My lack of self-control was just another item to add to the list of failures.

Now I know there wasn’t any love in my life. It wasn’t that other people didn’t love me, it was that I had no capacity to give love, receive love or be love. I was a frozen shell with a hollow centre.

I wanted to know why because I thought if I knew why then I could fix it. Like thinking a bruise on your leg is leukaemia after you consult WebMD, I came up with all the psychological illnesses that fit my symptoms. I had abandonment issues from being adopted, I had a shit childhood, I had married a man I chose with my head and not with my heart and I had an eating disorder. Although some or all of that might be true, I think the answer is so much simpler.

The reason I find it hard to connect deeply with other people is because I’m an introvert.

I believe the main reason we’re here is to experience love in all the layers of our life — from strangers and acquaintance to colleagues, friends, family, and lovers. Love gives life meaning and fills the empty hole in our hearts. But when being alone is hard-wired into you, experiencing heart-centred relationships is a challenge.

So that’s why I’m a Love Ninja. It’s the perfect way to love for an introvert.

I practice being open in love in all my multiple personalities. I’m a warrior out in the world – fighting gracefully for what is important to me; I’m a queen with my family and friends – leading and nurturing those close to me; I’m a lover with my partner – surrendering to my feminine desires and being ravished in love; and I’m a goddess at my core – full of contradictions and flaws and yet beautifully vulnerable.

And most of all I love quietly, stealthily and without fanfare. I practice my skills and complete my missions with little fuss. I employ strategies and techniques that allow me to love fiercely and with purpose.

And I no longer do it alone. I have pulled down the walls and now I share my Love Ninja skills with women exactly like me — learning how to connect authentically with other humans when it doesn’t come naturally.

Your doorway to the Love Ninja community is now open

Over the past three months twelve other Love Ninjas and I have been putting the final touches on the Love Matrix Project. We are almost ready to open the doors to the public for the first time and invite you to train, study and share alongside us.

As a beloved reader of my blog, I’m offering you the chance to win a scholarship to the Love Matrix Project and receive your Love Ninja tuition for free. All you have to do is answer the following question in the comments*:

“I need Love Ninja training because  ___________.” (fill in the blank)

If you want more information about the Love Matrix Project – click here.

Small Print

  1. Tuition is valued at $295 and covers six months membership to the Love Matrix Project.
  2. The scholarship will be awarded based on the quality and authenticity of the reader’s comment and isn’t a random draw.
  3. *Only one entry per person on this site. If you want to leave a second (different) comment for an extra chance to win – you can comment on this post link on my Facebook page.
  4. Entries close midnight Wednesday 14 March 2012 Australian Eastern Summer Time.

Good luck. I can’t wait to read your comments ♥

About KatieP

Embracing my midlife sexy while exploring modern love & relationships • Devoted to all things beautiful • Master of Arts in creative writing & non-fiction writing

14 thoughts on “The real reason why something was missing in my life

  1. I need Love Ninja training because I am exhausted loving certain people too much and others not enough. I chose the wrong men (boys) and lack the confidence to be an intimate lover. I get walked all over in my work places of late and have been told to toughen up (by my manager) when the bullying is so bad I just cry. I have just left my partner of 6 years and have my life back on track work wise, study wise and moving back to the place I love (Darwin). I want to learn how to love everyone completely and not rely on intimate/sexual ‘love’ alone to fill this big aching hole in my big loving heart.

  2. I don’t think I’m doing it right- I love and love and love, but I still don’t think it is enough…or maybe I’m trying too hard and it isn’t authentic. But then I think it will become authentic if I keep doing it. But, truth be told, I’m getting tired and I just want to love me, really. And I even feel selfish saying that! Oh dear…!

  3. I need Love Ninja training because I grew up in a household full of hate and aggression, and at 23 years of age, I have absolutely no idea how to bond with others, express my feelings or share the love I so desperately want to give to the people in my life. I watched my mother stay in an abusive marriage for the wrong reasons and now find I have an inability to stand up for myself and my needs and my desires, both physical and emotional in my own relationships. I was never shown or given love in a healthy way, and I’m frightened to reach out lest others rebuke my love and tenderness. I need Love Ninja training so I can have the confidence in my myself to know it’s okay to love, and the ways in which I can love others without letting it turn into a self-detrimental situation, because I so often let those I love walk all over me. I need Love Ninja training so I can give the best of myself to the world and the people I love, and be ready and open for their love in return.

  4. I need love ninja training because I don’t want to wait any longer to start loving the people in my life the absolute best I can. Who knows what tomorrow brings? I only have today and I want to be the purest version of me possible. I believe my insides already posses all I need to do this, but I want to be guided to thoughts and strategies that will open me up and help me become a more deeply passionate love-giver to the people my soul meets with. 

  5. Love is all you need…let the joy in each of us resurface, I am ready to do the work.
    Thank you

  6. I need love ninja training because I forgot how to love myself and feel worthy of real love

  7. I need Love Ninja training because we teach what we most need to learn. My mission is to serve and enable the liberation of others’ deep connection, and if I’m going to really do that, I need to be held accountable to and receive support in my own decision for deep connection.

  8. I need Love Ninja training because something is twisted up inside me. I feel so alone, so I try reaching out. But when I reach out, I either hang on to people too hard or try to keep them at arms’ length because I’m just too afraid of being hurt. I’ve lost so many people in my life because I do this, and my heart just wants somebody to love me for me. I know that can’t happen until I love me. But I can’t make it happen.

  9. I need Love Ninja Training because my life has been full of abandonment from the beginning. My parents’ multiple marriages (5 altogether), abusive relationships of my own, and my entire family disowning me because of my sexual orientation has left me with a sour taste in my mouth regarding love. There’s nothing I want more than a healthy relationship, but how does one achieve such bliss when such unhealthiness has been festering in my soul? Please help!

  10. Dearest Ms. Paul (Aka Love Ninja)

    I will tell you why I need Love Ninja. I need Love Ninja because it’s time that I fall madly, deeply in love with this women that I look in the mirror at every day. Because I have something beautiful to say to the world and until I love myself through these insecurities, I will never have the courage to say it. As I have walked my path and tried to learn how to own who I am as a women, human being, soul…what have you, I have experienced a barrier of…I’d call it guilt. Runs deep. As, I suppose it does for most all women. I see that loving myself is the path to wholeness and being able to see myself as bigger than this guilt. Loving myself is in some ways natural and in many ways, super abstract. I need some points in the right direction. I’m also a people person. My relationships keep me balanced & I love the world in general. This is great except, as most of us do, I get confused as to what is right and what is right by me. The line between being honorable and honoring my heart gets blurry & I find myself in some interesting situations as a result.

    Since I was about 7 years old, I’ve had visions that I was going to inspire the world to truly see themselves and to heal the space between what we dream & hope, and what is actually happening in our lives (much like you’re doing)! So obviously when I stumbled upon your website, I all but exploded with enthusiasm. (literally kinda orgasmic!) So, to be honest, I don’t even really care if I get the scholarship so much as I want to tell you how much I love your web site and what you are doing!! luv luv it! And, that you are inspiring the hell out of me right now. I feel like I found your site serendipitously. To remind me that I have something to say. To move me to find more wholeness through SELF LOVE. Well, that’s not entirely true. I would love to learn more about being a Love Ninja!!
    I leave you with a favorite quote: “Every women wants to fall in love with herself & then share that love with the world” -SARK

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