For the ladies searching for love

{photo source: Dancers at the Pasha Nightclub, Cooma, 1957-59. Photo by Jeff Carter}

I know that you long for a man to share your experience of the world with. But at the same time you feel like this yearning is wrong and you should be happy being alone. I’m here to tell you that wanting to be with a man who loves you is the core of your feminine essence. I give you permission to want an intimate connection.

The problem is what you want is not intimacy but what you have been taught a relationship should look like. Serious, long-term, committed, stitched up and secure are the words people use to describe the intimate sexual connection we have with a man. None of these things guarantee that you will find someone to share your moments with; in fact, it may be the very thing that prevents you from finding that special person.

When I started internet dating, finding a long-term relationship was the last thing on my mind. I was fresh out of a disastrous marriage and still entangled in an affair with a man who belonged to someone else. All I wanted to do was go out and have a good time. The very fact that I didn’t want to ‘settle down’ made connecting with Duckfish possible.

In the same way I began reaching out to strangers in the beginning of my journey, I began to practice being love with someone where there was nothing to lose. They didn’t know me, there was no emotional history and there were no expectations of a relationship. It sounds like I was promiscuous, but I wasn’t.  Purposely choosing to be open and authentic with a date meant that there were no games and the lack of sexual chemistry was quickly apparent. Out of the twelve dates I had before I met Duckfish, I only slept with one guy because he was honest enough to say that he was only looking for someone to play with. He was sexy and sweet so I went for it. It was pretty good!

There were no guarantees, no promises, no games and no agendas. We were two souls meeting in time and space for one delicious evening. I was my crazy emotional self, letting go of the need for it to be perfect and just rode the wave of my sensual desire. I didn’t care about the size of my thighs, the stretch marks on my hips or my rounded belly. If he didn’t like how I looked it was his problem, not mine. He liked how I looked because I didn’t care.

When Duckfish walked up to me in the street on that Easter Monday last year, I knew I wanted to be intimate with him. He had satisfied the other three criteria and the sexual attraction was enough to make me curious to see what loving him might feel like. The fact that he was a brilliant kisser also tipped things in his favour.1

Men love naked women. All types. There will be more than one man that loves your full breasts and your generous hips as long as you don’t start feeling like you have to hide them. Remember it doesn’t matter what you think you look like, intimacy is an exercise in touch not sight (and there is much to be said for soft lighting).

It’s scary to explore your sensuality with an acquaintance because what happens if you fall for him? Well, he’ll either like you back or not. If you’re emotionally unmatched the relationship stops working anyway. Better to know sooner than later.

Does it hurt? Perhaps … but no more than longing and yearning for the touch of another person and never getting it. Or filling up that emptiness inside with food and alcohol. Being love with someone just for one night is far better than being too scared to try because you’re afraid it might hurt.

Single girl’s mission

I’m not telling you to sleep with the next guy you go out with but I am asking you to be fully open, loving and vulnerable the next time you go on a date. It will scare some men away, it will fascinate others, but it will confirm to you that you can be real and still be attractive.

It’s a tough mission. Give it a try. Then tell your closest girlfriend what it was like in graphic detail. Show up in truth, show up in love and see how it feels.

Do you have any advice for the ladies searching for love?


→ from the Love Matrix e-book ~ get your free copy here.
the love matrix e-book

“It will be a reminder to me how easy it is really to love myself; how the thoughts in my mind, when I allow them to take over, are what changes within me when I don’t love myself. I think in general, the warmth and love that jumps off the pages will inspire us all when we need it. I plan to carry it in my briefcase, and when I need a little reminder, I’ll pull it out and do just that. Thank you!”


  1. Someone once said that if a man is average in bed you can always teach him but if he’s an average kisser then you’re stuck with it!

About KatieP

Embracing my midlife sexy while exploring modern love & relationships • Devoted to all things beautiful • Master of Arts in creative writing & non-fiction writing

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