Duckfish works really hard. Like really really hard. He spends time away in different cities at least every second week and when he’s at home he usually doesn’t get home until 8pm or later. He’s super busy and super important.
Actually, I don’t care about understand what he does. It’s something to do with saving hostages at the French Embassy. I think he’s a MI5 agent which means he can’t talk about it (he actually works in IT but a spy sounds so much sexier).
In the last three weeks I’ve barely seen him and when he’s home he’s got his head shoved in his laptop. And we all know how men can only do one thing at a time don’t we?
So on Wednesday night we talked about it. I told him I was feeling neglected. He came to the conclusion that his job was incompatible with a relationship (and the reason his marriage failed).
A stalemate? A death knell for our relationship? Should I get out now to prevent future heartache?
Not at all.
There are two things going on here
First, men believe that when women have a problem, it’s their job to solve it. They delight in fixing up our issues and finding solutions to our challenges. They love it. And when they can’t find a solution they don’t know what to do.
I reminded Duckfish that’s not how it works for women. Most of the time we just want to be heard and understood. All I wanted was for him to be aware of how I was feeling so he could appreciate that I get a bit grumpy when I’m left on my own for too long. I told him I didn’t need him to change jobs or really do anything except understand that sometimes I found it difficult.
Second, I needed to speak out loud the crazy thoughts in my head. Most of my statements started with “I know this is irrational but …” I exposed my innermost thoughts to him, my secrets and my fears. Saying them out loud made them lose their grip and their sting.
And here’s what happened
Yesterday was Australia Day and a Public Holiday. Duckfish and I spent the day together sleeping in, having breakfast, making love, watching the pathetic events on the harbour, napping, eating dinner on the terrace and watching movies. It was glorious.
On one level Duckfish was responding to my request for attention by spending the day with me, but on a deeper level he wanted to be with me because I had trusted him with my doubts and fears. The very act of exposing my vulnerability made me attractive and lovable. Confessing what might be seen as weakness reminded him why he loves me so much. Inhabiting my emotional feminine essence sparked his male desire for me.
In my old life, with my old partner, I could never be so open or vulnerable. The word “needy” still makes me feel nauseous.
I have needs but I’m not needy. Sometimes those needs don’t get met and I have a right to ask for them. I also know that it won’t always be perfect and we’ll need to compromise.
Speaking my truth set in motion a chain of events I didn’t expect. Expressing my resentment and disappointment meant I could let it go.
What could saying what you need make happen for you?
This is beautiful; well written and so true.
Oh Kate, thank you — I just read your blog and I have no words to express my admiration for you. Sometimes life really f*cking sucks. Let me know if I can ever do anything to help. I mean that. x
Yes. This. And it’s so glorious, isn’t it?
More than and beyond … *sigh*
Well said, here’s to more glorious days between you two. xox
Thank you Lindy, I hope so too ♥
Katie.. thanks for this..
I think so often we take the easier road, throw in the towel and walk away for the things we find imperfect rather than fighting for the things that matter most… Good love (and a good man) are hard to find..sometimes it’s worth it put the blinders on — <3
Fighting for love is always worth it 🙂
I feel you here. It took me a while – and a marriage – to realize that was all that I needed….someone to listen. My current husband is great in the way that although, since he is male, he has a hard time paying attention to emotion, he really tries to understand my feelings AND he uses them on me so that I learn how it feels to be him in a world of my emotions….if that makes any sense.
He has brought me to a point where I can introspect on my own nowadays using the lessons he has taught me by displaying my own behavior back to me.
Of course, he does this with kindness and a smile, because he loves me and his intention is pure. This is the only way that this could work.
I always say to new couples who don’t know whether they should take the next step or not because there is a lot of tension within the relationship already – that the male in the relationship -because they naturally have a clearer mind (meaning a mind less confusion by emotion) – are responsible for their female counterpart’s behavior. They can make or break that behavior – so they should be very careful with the way emotions are handled. In other words, the woman, if dealt with correctly, has the potential to man’s greatest gift, if the man can bring it out of her – by learning about emotion!
This may sound old fashioned in some way, but, without going into a whole other post, it is what it is. Human nature, especially when it comes to gender differences, has been that way since the beginning of time and we have ancient text to prove it.
I thank G-d everyday for sending my 2nd husband to me mostly because he has taught me a lot about myself without having to resent me in the process – and in return, I do the same for him!
It’s wonderful to have a relationship that works for both of you. We’re all unique and when we communicate honestly we can figure out what we need from each other in our own particular way.
Wow. Just wow. Thank you so much for reminding me that a/ it’s OK to talk about what I need; and b/ I’m not the only one with a busy husband who sometimes feels like they want MORE, but understands the reasons for the busyness.
Thanks Tanja — aah men and their missions — we love them for it AND it drives us crazy!
“I have needs but I’m not needy.” Love this! It’s a wonderful example of how important communication is in relationships- without it there really is no point. This holds true for letting our partners know when we are pleased with things as well, something I know I sometimes forget to do.
Good point, Petrea, about showing gratitude when our needs ARE being met. Positive reinforcement is like magic fairy dust 🙂
I don’t know. My partner just hates ‘deep conversation about the relationship’, so I don’t force it on him. His whole family is like that. They talk about TV programs, not feelings. When I saw a relationship counsellor (PhD in relationship psychology) he said ‘never discuss ‘the relationship’, just keep yourself happy’. In other words, if I concentrate on being a pleasure to be around (most of the time, hahaha) then he feels safe and opens up to me. He calls me his ‘lover and best friend’ and that’s enough. We laugh and have good times. When I tried to force him to discuss feelings, it nearly ruined our relationship. I never do that anymore, and I’m happier than ever. He tells me what he feels in touch and in saying ‘I love you’ every night. I’ve also learned that if he’s on the PC and I want to talk, I can message him from my office. OR walk through the lounge naked.. both get me the attention I want without having to say ‘oi, pay me some attention’, which he hears as a criticism.
No one is in a position to give an opinion on someone else’s relationship so if you’ve worked it out and are happy then that’s brilliant.
All I know is that it’s so freeing and empowering to know that no topic is off limits with my beloved and even at my very worst I am loved. I’ve tried it the other way (feelings never discussed) and it didn’t work out very well …
Sorry, I offended you. That wasn’t the intention. The question was ‘what could ‘saying’ what you need make happen for you?’. What I was trying to put across is that in my relationship ‘saying’ stuff up front isn’t the way because my guy responds negatively to that because of his upbringing. Make more sense?
Sara darling — you didn’t offend me — I worded my response badly. I meant that I’m not in a position to give you advice not the other way around (sorry it does sound like I’m aiming it at you — “no-one” and “someone” are easily misinterpreted …).
I appreciate your opinion and I love the diversity of experiences between you and me. There is no formula that works for everyone … in anything!
If you love him just the way he is and he loves you the same way then that’s the most wonderful blessing in the world x