The Lie of Self-Love

by KatieP, in category Health | Midlife

sad dogI am completely in love with my boyfriend.

My heart flutters when I think of him, my breath comes faster when he touches me and when he holds me all the tension in my body drains away. He’s all the things I longed for in a man.

Our love is pure, overwhelming and endless.

Except when it isn’t.

I don’t feel the rush of love and passion all the time. Sometimes the world (including him) pisses me off. I just want to be left alone. Sometimes I can’t tap into the good feeling of love.

But I still love him. I might not feel it, but I know it’s there. Constant, steadfast and waiting to flood me with pleasure and joy sometime in the future. I have faith in our love.

The self-love movement tells us when we love ourselves we feel good about ourselves. We like what we see in the mirror, we stop beating ourselves up and we take great care of ourselves all the time.

I’m here to tell you that’s a lie.

You won’t feel good about yourself all the time. Some days you will feel fat. Some days you will say and do things you aren’t proud of. Some days you will wallow on the couch eating chocolate biscuits and watching The Bachelor. Some days you will feel like a bitch that no-one would possibly want to be around.

Does that mean you don’t love yourself any more? Is self-love dependent on how you feel?

Loving yourself means believing in yourself. It’s knowing in your heart you are doing the best you can. It’s accepting that you have good days and bad days. It’s a matter of faith.

Respect…Acceptance…Integrity…

Assertiveness…Purpose…Consciousness…

Much better words for self-love.

You can demonstrate all those values even if you’re not feeling good about yourself. You can watch TV in your pyjamas with integrity. You can feel fat with acceptance. You can be conscious that you are irritating yourself.

Loving yourself doesn’t always mean that you’ll feel good about yourself. Some days the love will feel like it’s dwindled or disappeared.

But you know it hasn’t. It’s waiting to come back and flood you with joy, peace and pleasure. Have faith. True love can survive anything if you want it and you make it your highest purpose.

Love is an intention, a commitment and a leap of faith. 

Have the courage to believe in it even when you can’t feel it.

Notice when it feels like it’s gone and enjoy every moment when it returns.

Because it will. Have faith.

{photo source}

About KatieP

Embracing my midlife sexy while exploring modern love & relationships • Devoted to all things beautiful • Master of Arts in creative writing & non-fiction writing

31 thoughts on “The Lie of Self-Love”

  1. “Loving yourself means believing in yourself. It’s knowing in your heart you are doing the best you can. It’s accepting that you have good days and bad days. It’s a matter of faith.”

    I couldn’t agree more! Absolutely, we need to accept ourselves unconditionally: that’s what self love is. It’s unrealistic to expect that it’s always going to be all roses, and it’s a set-up for disappointment as well.

  2. Katie,
    Thanks for your insights. I like the perspective of loving ourselves even when we have “fat” days or “bitchy” days and recognizing that we might not always feel good about ourselves. I love that loving ourselves means believing in ourselves. You give permission for all facets of ourselves, not just the parts that shine in the light. Thank you!

  4. what an awesome post and so true. I think we get caught up in the moments in which we don’t feel the love and think that it is the proof of not loving ourselves, but in reality it is but a moment in time.

    Beautiful websites Katie <3

  6. You totally nailed the biggest problem I’ve had with the self-love movement. It takes it too far; we don’t love ANYTHING all the time. The goal is to accept and be with ourselves, that comfortable intimacy; not to feel burn-out passion constantly. That’s unsustainable. Self-love is a journey with ourselves; we’re learning, growing, and cycling all the time. Just like everything else, it’s got ups and downs, highs and lows. You’re not “doing it wrong” or not loving yourself when you have a bad day (or even a “meh” day). As long as you’re sticking it out, staying with yourself, that’s self-love.

    1. I’ve heard the phrase Love is a verb so many times but I haven’t really understood it until now. Love is an action — acting with love, compassion and kindness even though we don’t always feel it. Thank you for that revelation x

      1. OH! That is EXCITING! I am glad I could help! 🙂 Really…I didn’t get it FOR.EVER. and then it just clicked and it felt HUGE, like a majorly important piece of the puzzle set into place and the whole picture made sense.

        Love is not about us; it’s about the other person. Even when the “other person” is us…if that made any sense! HA!

        This book has been a revelation to me (really, really tough stuff to work through but worth it. I took it on a retreat and read and journaled and walked and read and journaled…): http://www.amazon.com/Real-Love-Unconditional-Fulfilling-Relationships/dp/1592400477/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1327442231&sr=1-1

  8. Love is an intention, a commitment and a leap of faith.
    Have the courage to believe in it even when you can’t feel it.

    I think we forget this part when it comes to self love. We are so much more willing to do this for love of others than ourselves.

    1. You’re right Tina – the standards we hold for ourselves are so different from those we apply to others. We need to remember to love ourselves the way we would love a child who’s doing her best. Thanks for the great comment x

  9. such a wonderful post Katie…..what was in the back of my mind the whole time reading was surrendering to how you are feeling in every moment…..true acceptance.
    Thanks for a really awesome reminder!
    Believe! 🙂

    1. True acceptance is not easy. I think we forget acceptance is not approval — we don’t have to like or condone everything — but just seeing and surrendering (such a brilliant word) to ‘what is’. Thanks Gina x

      1. exactly! when we are in pain from having one of those ‘i’m fat’ moments, when we knock ourselves down for feeling like that, it’s just more pain added on top of the pain that’s already there………..just BE with what is baby :)….like you said, easy, not always……but I’d rather not keep layering myself with pain, which I did for years…….Thank YOU Katie!

  10. Thank you for this- I don’t give myself permission to have a “bad day” and neither does anyone else. I just wanna be let have a bad day now and again.

  11. Thank you! Thank you for being the one to say all this… for letting us all off the proverbial hook when it comes to that title of “self love”. The expectations prior to this post caused me to disappoint myself when I have an “off day”… and now? Now I know that it’s ok. Yeah… I always knew, but having it put out there like this certainly helps!

  12. I soooo love this part:

    “Love is an intention, a commitment and a leap of faith.”

    That one little sentence speaks volumes and I’m sharing that everywhere I can! If more people lived with this type of love in their hearts, we would be sooo much better off as humans 🙂

    #wishfulthinking? LOL

    ~Kesha

  13. Thank you for this. Somehow I’ve never equated self-love for the love I have for C: I know that some days I may dislike him (his actions/words) a little, but I never ever doubt my love for him. With self-love, I’ve always figured it was all or nothing, making me think I was a “failure.” Another great post, lady! 🙂

    1. Thanks Chibi ~ loving outward always seems more natural than loving inward. When we start noticing how we are with the ones we love, loving ourselves gets easier. x

      1. “When we start noticing how we are with the ones we love, loving ourselves gets easier.”

        I don’t know why my brain never made the connection before. I think this perspective might just be what I need to make the whole self-love gig doable! 🙂

  14. Finally! I tried to comment twice yesterday, but alas, technology was conspiring against me….

    Anyways, I just wanted to say that loved this post, Katie, and that I wish more people understood this truth – about self-love, about love in relationships, about happiness.

    So many of us expect to be “happy” all the time, and if we feel sad or angry or anxious or anything else that we think isn’t GOOD, we want to fix it immediately so we can be happy again. So we shovel in food, or drink alcohol or sedate ourselves in some other way to distract us and avoid the “bad” feelings. When in fact, if we just allowed those feelings to run their course, we wouldn’t need to subdue them – “happy” would return in its own good time.

    I haven’t really expressed what I mean very well. Not good with the words tonight. Hopefully, you’ll get what I’m on about.

    1. Hey Kerryn ~ I totally get it.
      if we just allowed those feelings to run their course, we wouldn’t need to subdue them – “happy” would return in its own good time. — exactly!

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