The Self Pity Binge

how much further
Yesterday was not one of my best. In hindsight (arse-view) it all started on Friday night when my mother rang. I thought I did really well, I opened my heart, I listened to her stories and I connected with her as an adult. What I realised was that I still wasn’t my authentic self with her.

If I had told her I had been developing my spirituality and had attended a new age church last week she would have had a brain aneurysm and called a special prayer meeting to exorcise the cult demon from my soul. On one level I still believe that I am not the person my parents hoped and prayed I’d turn out to be.

The Ending

Then yesterday morning I missed my conference call with my support group and coach in the States because my alarm didn’t go off (it’s at 4am). It was the last call of the program so I missed saying goodbye and now I am on my own and I’m not ready for it.

The Changes

Then there is the saga of the house. We are being evicted from the house of my dreams because the owner wants it back. It confuses me because I didn’t create this ~ I love and appreciate my house and the view every time I sit at my computer and look out the window. How have I attracted having to move? Anyway, we went to look at some properties today and they were all crappy.

The Self Correcting

So I felt shitty, sad and unsettled all day. I went and had a massage which made me feel better and then got some books and CD’s from the library. I ate some crappy food when I wasn’t hungry. I listened to a hypnosis CD and fell asleep. Then I had a Shelley intervention when she rang and cheered me up.

It is like I go a couple of weeks on top of the world and then I crash. It is like the old days when I used to binge. Instead of stuffing my feelings down with food until I feel ill, now I just wallow in my misery. Maybe that’s progress after all?

Did You Know

  • I sit quietly and centre myself, breathing deeply and fully. I feel myself firmly connected to the earth as I let the spirit flow though me. I let go of busyness and of anything that may be overwhelming. I open myself to the new, to new possibilities, to a new day, and to the fresh new cells being constantly created in my body with every breath I take. I feel the refreshing inspiration of new opportunities coming my way. I welcome this new and wonderful time in my life and see it filled with goodness, creativity and peace. I let go of the old and allow the new to come gently into my life. ~ Dudley Evenson, Meditation Moment

About KatieP

Embracing my midlife sexy while exploring modern love & relationships • Devoted to all things beautiful • Master of Arts in creative writing & non-fiction writing