I am one of those people blessed with intelligence. Not when it come to maths, obviously, but most other things I find easy to understand and remember. I’m not boasting; it’s a genetic thing. It’s the same process that gave me the colour of my eyes or the size of my feet. I didn’t DO anything to deserve my unique DNA, I was just born that way.
When I was at school it didn’t take long for me to understand that other kids didn’t like me being ‘brainy’. And being able to see what was going on, I soon discovered the way to be liked was to pretend I wasn’t smart.
I never put my hand up in class, I sometimes answered questions wrong on tests and I skipped class to smoke behind the bike sheds. Standing out meant that I felt lonely and different so I tried my hardest to fit in.
This weekend I’ve struggled with the same issues. My e-book has a different approach to anything else I’ve seen. I believe it’s impossible to make the transition to loving yourself by focusing on yourself. My premise is that love can only travel in one direction – outward – and once we love other people without expecting anything in return, then the love that flows through us transforms us.
I’m worried about this message. I know that some people won’t agree with me. I’m standing out again.
Part of me wishes I had just repackaged the same message everyone else is saying. I could have made a pretty e-book telling you how to look in the mirror every morning and find things to love about yourself or how to repeat “I am beautiful” affirmations before drifting off to sleep. Hell, I could have even given you a worksheet where you could write down the twenty things you are most proud of.
It would have been easier. It would have been safer. I wouldn’t have felt sick with worry that the other kids won’t like me …
But I’ve made my choice. I no longer pretend to be anything other than who I am. I write from my experience and this is how it happened to me.
I’m standing out — out here where it feels cold and alone sometimes. I want to hang out with the cool kids and smoke behind the bike sheds, but this time I’m going to resist the urge and celebrate my uniqueness.
Do you ever feel different and long to scurry back to the comfort of being just like everyone else?
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