10 stupid dieting and fitness catch phrases

1. Metabolic training
How do you train your metabolism? Today I think I’m going to train my kidneys. Tomorrow is lymph node day. And then on Sunday, I’m going to train my bile ducts.

2. Get in shape
What shape are we talking about? Hourglass? Banana? Dodecahedron?

3. Cutting edge eating program
Food goes on my fork and it goes into my mouth. I don’t know any other way to eat. Maybe if I get a sharper knife it will be more cutting edge? [I know, I’m groaning too … sorry]

smoking diet 4. I’m fat
I’m protein, I’m muscle tissue, I’m water, I’m shit too.

5. Watching what I eat
Obvious really.

6. Bikini body
I have a body and I wear a bikini so I must have a bikini body, and a jeans body, and a track suit pants and stained t-shirt body. And, oooohhh, naked body … mmmmmmmmm

7. Reduce your waistline
What is so great about a tiny waist? Especially these days when pants and skirts are hipsters anyway. Apparently, there is no such thing as a waist.

8. A quick and easy solution that guarantees long-lasting results
Fuck off

9. If you eat less calories than you expend you will lose weight
The calorie myth is busted here.

10. Thin = sexy
Sexy = sexy. Mmmmm still thinking about naked bodies …

→ if you’ve got one please add it in the comments below. 

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About KatieP

Embracing my midlife sexy while exploring modern love & relationships • Devoted to all things beautiful • Master of Arts in creative writing & non-fiction writing

18 thoughts on “10 stupid dieting and fitness catch phrases

  1. I’ve fallen off the wagon/am off track. The wagon is bullshit and I spit on the track.
    There is just life.
    oooh, also, “I’ve been bad” when I eat chocolate.
    The famine in Somalia is bad. The holocaust was bad. Get the fucking chocolate into perspective.

  2. “No pain, no gain”. I’ve never understood why people exercise through pain. Plus, it is definitely possible to exercise productively with zero pain.

  3. Anything claiming to be:
    ‘politically incorrect’
    ‘top secret’
    ‘the ONE THING you should never eat if you want to lose weight’
    ‘the ONE THING you must eat if you want to lose weight’
    ‘Cardio will make you fat’

    1. The politically incorrect, top secret, one thing you should never eat and should eat while doing cardio = the new cutting edge eating program 🙂

  4. I’m definitely with Cilla on tracks and wagons, and John with the pain thing, and I’ll add any of analogies that compare becoming healthy with war, like boot camp and battle of the bulge.

  5. Brilliant!
    Saw a magazine that said something about ‘get in shape’ and I just thought ‘am I not a shape now?! Did I become an amorphous mass when I walked in the door? Am I not Amelia-body-shaped? Do I have to get into a different shape? Like, a car shape? I could probably climb into a car…’ Silly, meaningless phrases!

  6. “Lose those love handles nobody loves…” I love them
    “Just five minutes a day…” (FINE print: five minutes a day on the machine plus half an hour of other exercise and a restrictive diet regime…)
    “No food is a sin” yep, you’re right there – there are no burgers in the 10 Commandments

    1. Ooh Ange, I must have missed your comment. I’m sorry.

      Great headlines ~ I’m glad Thou Shalt Not Eat Burgers isn’t in the Ten Commandments!

  7. You may want to re-read the article you mention in point 9, then do a little research on your own. Don’t let it’s scattered writing style obfuscate the fact that burning more calories than your body absorbs (not eats) DOES result in weight loss. It’s basic physics and physiology.

    1. Obfuscate is such a great word … thanks Chris 😀

      Seriously though … I’m not a fan of the “what you eat” philosophy for weight loss, I’m all about “why you eat” and honouring the size your body wants to be. Based on my experience with dieting, I agree with what Scott has to say.

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