How to Have Transformational, Heart Stopping, Sacred Sex

she lay there afterwards wondering
 → art by Kristin Noelle

Lately I’ve been thinking about sex. In a conversation I had over on Kristin’s amazing blog I talked about sex being one of the most important things in my life.

I wrote:

I am in a relationship with a (new) man and I understand that physical intimacy is the glue that holds us together. The magic of making love can only happen when we TRUST each other and totally surrender to the other person. Nothing of ourselves is kept secret or protected, it is wide open nakedness on all levels. Anything other than that (purely physical sex or a restrained sexual bargaining) is not intimacy.

Some people are happy with sex as a thing we do for pleasure or procreation and that’s OK. Deep intimate connection that transforms every part of our lives cannot be achieved without the physical act of two becoming one. At that moment reality shifts, time stops and we explode open in love that seeps out into the entire Universe.

It’s hard to explain. But I’ve tried sex in its many different guises and I can tell you that this kind of love/sex is far beyond a simple roll in the hay.

Sex is the opposite of death and transforms us from merely existing to truly living and breathing our divinity.

Kristin responded to my comment and asked :

Making love has been a beautiful and connecting part of my relationship with my husband, but I wouldn’t describe it the way you describe your own experiences. If it’s appropriate, I would love to know more about how you came to this point in your sex life – whether it just happened for you, or whether you read things, attended workshops or classes, or did some other form of conscious work (or play?) that moved you gradually to where you are today?

I’m guessing that there are many of us that would LOVE to experience what you’re describing, but have no idea how to get there from where we are today.

I am going to share with you all how I went from sex being a pleasant but unremarkable part of my life to the place where sex is one of the most transformational experiences ever.

The changes began when I began to fall in love with myself again. I decided that living a closed down life trying to be what everyone expected me to be was damaging my soul. From that moment on, I committed to living an authentic life leading from the heart and letting go of all the walls I had built around me.

From an older post:

I learned to accept myself as a woman. I read books that told me that I am meant to be feminine, emotional, irrational, extreme and honest and those are the very things that make me attractive to men who are the polar opposite of me –solid, focussed, driven and grounded. I decided once and for all that I would say what I felt and not worry about the consequences. I trusted that my raw personality would be the perfect counterpoint for the man of my dreams.

I learned how to be myself, even though I didn’t even know who that was. I gave myself permission to be “too much” and discovered that there is no such thing. I gave up trying to fix myself, and embraced everything without labelling it good or bad. I decided that I was worth loving, and even if no-one else fell in love with me, I was pretty awesome all by myself.

The books I read were by a man called David Deida. His website had videos, articles and talks about sacred intimacy. This was exactly what I was looking for. His philosophy included the polarity of sexual attraction and the concept of a ‘third stage’ relationship.1

When I discovered that people connected with me more when I was honest and open, I began to feel sexy again for the first time in many years. It felt like I had switched on a light inside me and everyone (especially men) were drawn to it. I felt beautiful and attractive.

But my husband didn’t even notice. I wondered how I could be so different, so alive, so on fire and it not affect him at all. I felt sure I had the words “fuck me” written on my forehead but he couldn’t see them. I brought up the fact that I needed more attention from him. It didn’t go down very well.

As you know my marriage broke down, I moved into my own flat and began internet dating. I was hopeful that there was a ‘third stage’ man out there ready to take me on and I was happy to spend some time just hanging out with guys who found me attractive, interesting and desirable until I found him. I was thirsty for attention.

I found the man I had been looking for my whole life two and a half weeks later. I lept into the relationship in a way that I never had before. I gave him everything — my heart, my pain, my history, my baggage, my love, my body — and I kept nothing back. I gave him my trust before he’d even had a chance to earn it. It was a risky enterprise that could have gone horribly wrong, but it didn’t. I was with a man who met me exactly where I was and gave himself back to me.

You know when you get drunk and are totally uninhibited and have mind-blowing sex. Well it’s like that without the alcohol. When you don’t play games, be on your best behaviour or worry about who is doing what to whom, then you lose yourself in the sexual act. You lose your separateness and exist only in your essence and your oneness with all living things.

When I make love with Duckfish I think about love. I become love with every part of my body and mind. I relax totally and breathe my love into him. And he stays present while I disappear into him. He feels my energy and breathes with me … and I don’t know — you’ll have to ask him because I’m too far gone to know what he’s doing!

Of course, there is more to our relationship than what happens in bed, but it’s sometimes hard to know if the sex is so good because we are compatible or if we are compatible because the sex is so good.

One thing that contributes to the success of our relationship is that we both know that nothing lasts forever. Unlike when you are young and get married and believe that you will be together for the rest of your lives, Duckfish and I know that this bliss is only temporary.

Even if we stay together for a long time, one of us will eventually die and leave the other behind. This view of the shortness of our time together makes us treasure each and every moment. Every kiss could be the last, every time we make love could be the last time. No disagreement about how to fold the towels is enough to fracture our intimacy.

We have no attachment to our relationship. Although it is the best thing that ever happened to either of us, we both know that when it ends we will be OK on our own. We don’t need the other to survive. There is a lack of desperation, dependence or neediness. I guess this comes with age.

So there you have it. I recommend you get some of David Deida’s books to read. I started with It’s A Guy Thing : An Owner’s Manual for Women and Intimate Communion: Awakening Your Sexual Essence

The only closing thought I have to go with this post is to say — Duckfish, I love you.


  1. first stage/dependence relationship – man dominant and woman submissive, second stage/50/50 relationship – man and woman equal partners, third stage/intimate communion – man committed to truth and woman committed to divine love

About KatieP

Embracing my midlife sexy while exploring modern love & relationships • Devoted to all things beautiful • Master of Arts in creative writing & non-fiction writing

14 thoughts on “How to Have Transformational, Heart Stopping, Sacred Sex

  1. How wonderful, how beautiful. Katie, what flows from your heart is true and honest. I think the best is yet to come from my point of view. Exxxx

  2. Please don’t, there would be quite a few people who would be upset if you did explode, I imagine Duckfish would be No 1!!!

  3. Katie, thanks so much for this follow up! I can’t wait to look up David Deida’s stuff. And I’m fascinated by the power of loving yourself. Do you think it’s possible for sex itself to play a part in learning to love yourself, or is it your sense that loving yourself is a separate process somehow, and even a prerequisite to the kind of sex you’re experiencing?

    1. For me the loving myself had to come first and is a prerequisite to sacred sex.

      I quote DD “If you are at home in your body and mind then you are at ease with the feeling of sexual desire. Your body is unified with your mind as one gift — with your heart at its centre — and you know, spontaneously, how to love without hesitation.

      By healing our internal divisions and fully accepting ourselves as we are, we learn to accept and honour our unique expression of Masculine and Feminine gifts. With love, we embrace our darkest and lightest thoughts, we embrace our most savage and holy desires. And we learn to love with complete abandon without rules or roles or guarded hearts.”

      1. Love the quote! (which also sparks questions and thoughts about masculine and feminine energy, and the idea I carry that all of us have both… I’d like to read DD and really understand his perspective! :). I’m imagining that many of us wish we could have the sex you’re talking about without having to love ourselves so deeply first. Sigh. But I think it’s really true that the ability to be loved and to love with abandon really stems from a deep love and acceptance of ourselves.

      2. I agree that loving yourself is a prerequisite.. otherwise you can use the “making love” to make up for the fact that you don’t love yourself, & “get” more instead of “give” out of neediness.

  4. Kristin, yes I agree that masculine and feminine energies are not gender based and we experience both. Even locations have M/F energies – compare Bali with New York.

    Good news about the working on yourself first though. It means that we are in control of how we experience love in our lives. We don’t have to wish or hope that the right man/woman will come along. It is inevitable that when we live from our hearts that we will attract the same kind of people into our lives. It’s the law 🙂

  5. I love this! This is exactly the type of sex I’ve always wanted to experience, & was disappointed with my first two partners… because it was “sex,” not making love. Even before I was sexually active, this was the only type of sex I wanted. (Unfortunate that I settled for less in the past, but ah, what can I say. I had icky body image issues back then & thought sex would validate my body image.)

    Anyway, I love how vulnerable & raw this post is. Phenomenal. ♥

    1. I settled for less until I was 46 years old so it just goes to prove there is always hope!

      I liked your other comment too — it’s about the giving and not the getting. If we don’t have a reservoir of love (for ourselves) then we will never discover the joy of giving ourselves away in love without wanting or needing anything in return.

  6. Katie, this amazing connection with lovemaking was for me the purist, most freeing experience I have ever experienced. Twice in my life I have had the joyous, unforgettable connection you and David Deida describe, both with the same man twenty years apart. Unfortunately we are not together at the moment and possibly may never again. However, for brief moments in time I have experienced pure and utter joy and love between myself and this beautiful man. By losing myself with him, I found myself in all my glorious beauty. And that stays with you forever.

    1. Sounds wonderful Jaydee — the good thing is if you’ve experienced it once (twice) you can experience it again. You can choose to lose yourself with a man at any time … it’s just a leap of faith and letting go.

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