Freedom Sometimes Feels Like Chaos
Today is not a good day. It is my own fault of course ~ I thought I had lost weight so I stood on the scales. Once again my number was way higher than I wanted it to be and it brought all my darkest fears to the surface once again. My mind keeps telling me, “Of course this will never work!”
I feel like the special needs kid in class
I no longer feel like I am part of the ‘in’ crowd. I don’t have a gang to hang out with. I feel like I have gone weird and no-one wants to play with me anymore. If I’m not blogging about how much weight I’ve lost or how I’ve fallen head first into a binge then no-one seems to care.
It is so fucking slow
I have been ‘off’ diet for nearly 2 months and I am still figuring things out. I haven’t lost any weight even though my intention is to drop a few kilos. I swing from perfectly happy to confused and bewildered for no apparent reason. I just want to be fixed. I want to easily achieve my naturally slender body and I want it NOW thank you very much.
I miss my old life
When I was a very small child I used to suck my thumb. Once I stopped and I got braces my mouth shape was totally different and my thumb never fit properly again. I can still remember the comforting sensation of sucking my thumb that has now is gone forever. Same thing with my old life. I miss the control, I miss the joy of a low scale number and I miss the pride in winning against all the odds. I know it is only because I forgotten the pain … but my old life was familiar and predicitable and this one isn’t.
I have nowhere else to go
It is clear that dieting will never be a long term solution for managing my weight as I have proven over and over again in the past 5 years, so if listening to my body doesn’t work either, then I’ll have nowhere else to go … except blobsville. I feel like this is my last chance and I’m stuffing it up.
Nothing tastes as good as binge feels
Only those who are dedicated bingers will understand that eating until you feel sick means you get a break from the constant pressure of living. Nothing else gives me that relief from my feelings and gives me some peace. For better or worse, I am no longer capable of bingeing so that coping mechanism is gone.
I’ve gone from expert to idiot
I know nearly everything there is to know about diet and exercise. I can tell you how to carb cycle, how to activate your glutes and how to water load. I know nothing about eating and exercising according to my body’s inner wisdom and I feel stupid. I like knowing stuff and I now I know nothing.
So what should I do?
My ‘awakening’ has been like someone turning on the light so that the darkness has disappeared. But for today, all I want to do is curl up in a ball and hide in the soft, dark night.
I know that tomorrow will be better and that this is all part of the journey but it is still fucking hard. What will I do? I’ll just keep going because I know in my heart that I’m doing my best. I keep falling down, but I’ll keep on getting up again and again because someday soon, I’m going to get this even if it goddamn kills me!
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