Just See How It Feels


I had known Duckfish for precisely 6 days. In those 6 days we had emailed, chatted on MSN, talked on the phone, had a cyber-date (video MSN), kissed for hours and made love once after which he jetted off to Melbourne at 4am in the morning.

The next time we spoke after our liaison he asked “So are you gonna be my girlfriend or what?”

“Excuse me?” I spluttered. (Not because I didn’t like him but because I had only left my marriage 3 weeks earlier and the last thing I wanted was a boyfriend so soon).

“Are you gonna be my girlfriend or what?” he asked again.

“Ah, no … I’m not ready to be anyone’s girlfriend right now” I said before I could think of a way to put it more politely.

“Well” he said “you don’t have to decide right now. Give it a try and just see how it feels. If you don’t like it, you can always change your mind.”

“I suppose so” I said with little enthusiasm. “Alright then.”

In the following weeks I tried to break up with him several times. He wouldn’t let me leave unless I could come up with a better excuse than “I’m scared you’ll leave me and I’ll get hurt so I’m getting out before it’s too late”.

His wise heart always provided the words that made me stay. He reminded me that love was to always be treasured, and never regretted, no matter how brief it might remain. He would always echo the words he wrote in one of his first emails —

For me, the ideal is all about ‘one moment with you, an eternity desired’. Who cares if it isn’t forever? At least I’ve had the moment and will cherish it to my grave and beyond. To have felt that ‘extreme’ makes it all worthwhile and if it only lasts a moment, it is worth a far more than a lifetime of just being comfortably numb because you’re too scared of getting hurt.  Nothing but happy memories, eh?

So here I am nine months later, still Duckfish’s girlfriend.

And how does it feel?  Fucking fantastic!

About KatieP

Embracing my midlife sexy while exploring modern love & relationships • Devoted to all things beautiful • Master of Arts in creative writing & non-fiction writing