Since seeing the video I posted in the last entry I have been thinking about our cultural beliefs about beauty and how they affect our ability to connect with other people.
I believe that the most powerful force in the universe is love. Love takes many forms but the most distilled form of love is intimacy and sex with another person. When you are truly vulnerable, exposed and naked literally and figuratively with another person, it affects all of your life experience.
One day, when I was lolling about naked with Duckfish for hours I remarked “I’ve wasted the whole day having orgasms”. He replied “It’s not a wasted day. The way sex makes people feel changes the way they interact with the world. It makes you kinder, more patient, more understanding and more loving. Doing something that makes such a difference in your life and the life of other people is never a waste.”
It seems he was on to something. Feeling love and connection with another person makes you feel connected to the universe — to people, to trees, to the sky and to the earth — in a brand new way. It changes your perspective of the world. It transforms your life experience.
Which is why, for years, people have tried to contain and control our sexuality. Throughout history, there has been censorship and rules imposed by the church and the state. Men (mostly) tell us what we can and can’t do and we are expected to request permission from these authorities (marriage) before sexual activity is condoned.
In recent times, the authority of the church and state has been eroded and we have been expressing our sexuality outside of the confines of marriage so there has arisen another method to control this powerful force — the beauty myth.
The beauty myth tells us we are not entitled to an intimate sexual relationship unless we look the way society tells us we should. Only the lucky few who are lean, fit and gorgeous can expect to fall in love and find happiness in a relationship. All the rest of us need to work harder to be worthy. We need to buy the make-up, the cellulite cream, the plastic surgery, the liposuction, the foundation garments, the protein powder and the gym membership in order to qualify as beautiful. We are not only being told a lie, we are buying into it with our hard-earned cash.
And here’s the kicker – when you give away your belief that you are intrinsically a desired sexual being then you give away your power. By missing out on experiencing love at its most passionate, you are missing out on a life of passion. And I don’t know about you, but the thought of giving away any of my power enrages me.
So it’s no longer about “I can be beautiful even though I don’t look like a fitness model”, it is now “I refuse to believe in an idea of what beauty is specifically designed to suppress the sexuality of all of us who don’t look like that”.
Now every time I contemplate eating less or exercising more because I think I will be more attractive if I’m thinner I realise that this conditioning is bullshit. I refuse in the same way as I would refuse to wear a burka or not have period sex. I refuse to have someone else’s rules control my sexuality.
I know that no-one else except me wants to lose weight because they think they will look and feel more “attractive” one size smaller and that you only want to lose weight so you feel more healthy, so don’t bother telling me so in the comments. This isn’t for the sexed up marathon runners who can train and shag all the time, this is for those of us who feel ugly when we’re fat.
You’re not ugly, and you’re not fat just because you don’t look like models and celebrities. It is just a lie designed to devour your self-confidence and extinguish the light of your love. Don’t buy into it. Just don’t. Even when you’ve got PMT you are still beautiful and deserving of love. I know it, the universe knows it, and every cell in your body knows it.
Now go get yourself an orgasm or two … ♥