(1) Thou shalt take care of thy personal hygiene.
This is includes but is not limited to trimming (or removing) one’s bush, shaving one’s beard or legs, wearing deodorant and having fresh breath.
(2) Thou shalt discuss contraception.
This conversation should be had before entering the bedroom. A modern lady or gentlemen will always have a supply of condoms on hand.
(3) Thou shalt disclose sexual diseases.
Bearing the scars of an interesting sexual history is nothing to be ashamed of and most situations can be solved creatively. Most modern ladies and gentlemen will be willing to figure out how to stay healthy and still have fun.
(4) Thou shalt give directions and make noise.
A new partner has no idea of your sexual preferences. Gentle guidance and moans of appreciation are necessary to avoid disappointment.
(6) Thou shalt indulge in post-coital affection.
Rolling over and going to sleep is the sign of a lazy lover. Spend time kissing, cuddling, and appreciating the afterglow.
(5) Thou shalt stay the night.
Unless negotiated prior to sex, one should always stay the night. Leaving immediately after sex, or slipping away in the middle of the night is rude and unforgivable.
(6) Thou shalt refrain from snoring, farting, and other offensive bodily functions.
One should be a pleasant night-time companion, not a disgusting one.
(7) Thou shalt not expect morning sex.
Some ladies aren’t their best in the morning and don’t want to be prodded by a gentleman’s morning hard-on. This is not always the case, but a gentleman should demonstrate a degree of sensitivity the next morning.
(8) Thou shalt accept the offer of a morning beverage.
Your new companion may not have your preferred brand of herbal tea or even any milk in the fridge. This is not the time to be fussy. Drink your damn coffee and shut up.
(9) Thou shalt offer to help make the bed.
Although this offer will probably be turned down, a true lady or gentleman will want to help tidy up the mess they have made. Offering to help make the bed shows a mature sense of responsibility.
(10) Thou shalt not lie about the future.
If it’s just a one night stand, then please say so as graciously as you can. If you wouldn’t mind another casual assignation, then please express this desire clearly. If you want to go on a second date, arrange it before you leave. Even if you never want to see this person again, a text on the way home to say ‘thank you’ is a pleasant way to end your encounter.
Do you agree, or is there a sexual etiquette commandment I’ve missed?