How Am I Doing?

by KatieP, in category Health | Sexuality

katie5

It is Monday 3 May, two and a half weeks since my estranged husband killed himself and I found his body in the home we previously shared.

It is time to post an update on how I am doing.

I am very sad that Mr Katie was in so much pain that he decided that ending his life was preferable to living a moment longer. On reflection, I think I fell in love with the amazing potential he had to be a great man. Now, there is no longer a chance that he will achieve that greatness. I am sorry that he never experienced the joy, light and love of living a wonderful blessed life.

I cry unexpectedly at normal things — shopping for groceries, train rides, the corner store, the smell of beer — just because they are the only things we shared. There are no memories of holidays, special songs or favourite places and that makes me even sadder.

I truly believe that our souls choose our life’s journey with love and wisdom, and that Mr Katie’s soul needed to move on in order to grow and learn. I also chose to be part of his life in order to undertake my own transformation. I will not feel guilty for my actions or regret my choices because the path I took was the only way I could live authentically. I could not control the decisions Mr Katie took, and all I can do now is welcome the gifts this tragedy brings.

I have discovered that although pleasure and pain may be present in equal measure, that love softens and dilutes the pain, and that the pain only serves to intensify and increase the love. Love conquers all, even death.

I have lost everything I had, and at the same time, gained everything I was missing. I am emotionally, spiritually, mentally and physically connected to another soul who I can let see into the depths of my heart without fear that he will pull away. He inspires me to be more than I am and challenges me when I retreat into the safety of the familiar old patterns. He, and his beautiful children delight and surprise me with their natural light and endless laughter, teaching me at last what unconditional love really is.

On days like today when I have to explain to strangers in banks, government offices and HR departments why my husband’s death certificate has a date range rather than a specific date it is not easy. In fact, it is the most fucking painful thing I’ve ever had to live through.

But I am divine — of that I am certain. The Universe has looked after me beyond all my wildest imagination. I have chosen to live from my heart, and being wide open is risky and dangerous, but exciting and thrilling at the same time.

There is “Katie Magic” in the air, and I am awake, alive and authentic. Who could ask for anything more?

About KatieP

Embracing my midlife sexy while exploring modern love & relationships • Devoted to all things beautiful • Master of Arts in creative writing & non-fiction writing

15 thoughts on “How Am I Doing?”

  1. Beautiful words honey.

    Mr Katie’s soul entered the human body he inhabited at precisely the right time and also left with the same precision. You were an essential part of his life plan as he was for you.

    You are finally hearing the music playing in your heart. You are fulfulling your destiny.

    Like an eagle, keep soaring my love.

    xxxxxx

  3. So strong and amazing you are; you have a lifetime yet to make all those beautiful memories you missed the first go-round! What a true gift; make it a memorable journey!

  4. Isn’t it wonderful to be alive, Katie?…Life is throwing you a second chance – grab it and fly!
    A wonderful man, gorgeous children…here is your chance to experience something new. You are an amazing human being – the tears will become less frequent and laughter and joy will take over as you allow it.
    xoxox

  6. think of you every single day, think of our awesome chats and think of how far you have come since we first met – us humans will never stop learning about this life, living in the present and just being is a beautiful thing xx

  8. I think it’s amazing how the universe/god (whatever you want to call it) has people in our lives. how they vascilate in and out of it..what we give away, take from them, and grow. Katie I can’t imagine the pain that you’ve been going through. The intense emotional everything and yet there’s a silver lining which is what you’ve been chasing/desiring. I suppose in many ways it sucks that it came from this, but as you’ve written in other posts (18 May) it’s your fucking story woman and you are beautiful. To find the grace in this and to enable your heart to be open to something is what I admire and cherish about you.

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