It seemed like such a dream ~ not having to go to work every day and to get to do exactly what I wanted. But the first week of new found freedom has been the hardest of my life.

I am lost and without direction. I don’t know what to do – and we all know that I am all about “doing” shit.

The cold hard facts are that when you take away all the things you fill your life up with – work and dieting – then what is left doesn’t quite seem enough.

In the past I have stuffed down my feelings with food, I’ve trained until I cried, I’ve devoured book after book on self improvement, I’ve held down a highly stressful and demanding job and yet I am still empty inside. The question is “what do I want to do with my life?” I want passion, excitement, a reason to bound out of bed in the morning, a sense of accomplishment and a certainty that I’m making a difference. I have none of those things and I can’t see a way to have them.

While I spout cognitive thinking techniques and diet-free philosophy on my blog, the fact is that I am a hypocrite. For the past 8 days I have barely eaten and exercised beyond what feels good. I have fallen into a pattern of restriction that is somehow even more frightening than bingeing. It feels good (compared to everything else) because the weight is dropping off me ~ so I am back where I started.

I guess one of my dreams was to help women break free from dieting and find self love no matter what their body shape. I can’t do that if I can’t even do it myself.

I wanted to spend this time writing a book, but I’ve got nothing. I sit at my computer every day staring at the screen and never write a word. I don’t know what I can say that anyone would pay to read. What do I have to share that would make a difference?

I’m questioning everything I thought was true and important and it’s very fucking painful.

→ photo : -: pranav :-

About KatieP

Embracing my midlife sexy while exploring modern love & relationships • Devoted to all things beautiful • Master of Arts in creative writing & non-fiction writing