So Much Hope

There is much that has been said about falling in love. It is the stuff of songs, poetry, movies and novels. Yet there is a perception in the modern woman’s world, that wanting another person to share your deepest secrets with is somehow admitting vulnerability or neediness.

I believe that we only grow through our relationships with others. There is only so much work we can do by ourselves, and until we open up in love and trust another human being, there are parts of us that will remain forever locked away. That empty yearning cannot simply be filled by self love, that love has to be given away unconditionally, brutally and honestly before the yearning is quelled.

I am experiencing a faint flickering of soul recognition in a man. I feel compelled without hesitation to carefully defend this tiny flame of love. It is not his love for me that moves me, but my willingness to expose all of my neurosis, baggage, darkness and pain without reserve. And by letting go of the darkness, the unbelievable brightness of my magnificent divine light tumbles out of me without thought or effort. As I give myself away, I see a new and different me reflected in his eyes.

This is not neediness, dependency or looking for completeness ~ this is the mystery of love given without expecting anything in return. This is the Universe gently pushing on the walls of my defences and watching in delight as they crumble before the altar of human intimacy.

This love is not one of “happy ever afters”, this is a love of healing wounds, challenging beliefs and finding creative solutions to impossible obstacles. It is risky and fraught, and yet warm and familiar.

Love walks always with fear. I am afraid of the ending. But all things end, and not wanting an ending signifies that love is present. I will embrace the fear and know that its companion, love, shares the same heartbeat.

There is complexity, intensity and yearning, and still, there is so much hope.

[In simple english — I have a boyfriend — yay! 
Hi Boyfriend if you’re reading this!

NEWS: I am restoring all of the deleted posts in Jan/Feb over the next couple of days [on the original days they were posted to preserve chronology]. Apologies to those who subscribe or use Google Reader because they will turn up looking like new posts. I want to have a complete record of my journey and honour my values of truth and authenticity. Sadly the comments have gone forever 🙁

About KatieP

Embracing my midlife sexy while exploring modern love & relationships • Devoted to all things beautiful • Master of Arts in creative writing & non-fiction writing

12 thoughts on “So Much Hope

  1. he knows your blog address? I nearly gave a guy my blog address this week. I thought there was such potential there but wanted first for him to see ME before bothering to go any further. Swayed back and forth about it all week. You’ve got me swaying towards doing it again.


    He he..”Katie’s got a boyfriend!” :o)))))

    1. Frankie darling, don’t give away your blog address before you meet him. Make sure he’s worth the gift of your trust. But what would I know?

    1. Sadly that picture doesn’t do you justice my love — now everyone is going to think my Boyfriend has 4 legs, crab claws and a unicorn horn!

      (Update: thank god you finally worked out Gravatar x)

    1. Just one, Liz. Of course there are other wonderful duckfish living in other bays and inlets (who he keeps in touch with) but he stays in Lavender Bay to be near the love of his life in their secret underwater world. She is The Last of the Lavender Bay Rainbow Hued SeaHorses. When they meet, he realises and understands she is different to him but in a way he finds at once interesting, absorbing, astonishing and rewarding. They share the stories of their long pasts and CONNECT and realise they have always known each other. Being rainbow hued, she is all pretty colours, very beautiful and ever so slightly iridescent. When they see each other their eyes light up as if every star in the Universe is shooting up through their bodies and shining out through their eyes.

      Of course, if you’ve never seen a duckfish or a rainbow hued seahorse, you’ll have no idea what I’m on about and probably think I’m a complete nutter. They are enigmatic and elusive creatures but when you find one… …oh, when you find one… …it is something else indeed!

  2. Too late Katie. I knew I would end up doing it. It’s fine. He’s different. Really. We’d only chatted a couple of times online and I knew I had to either delete him, or do this. He phoned me and told me how brave I was and how honoured he felt that I would trust him with my ‘stuff’. haha..he’s not read it yet though. There’s no emotional investment in this so nothing to lose really. x

    PS – Hi Mr Boyfriend Man.

    1. Sounds like you found yourself a real gentleman then. Boldness and bravery is not to be sneezed at and sometimes taking a risk means finding something you otherwise might have missed. I hope that you find something special because by god, you deserve it honey ♥

    2. Hey Frankie!

      A pleasure to ‘meet’ you as I take my first steps into Katie-world and meet the other, new, exciting and wonderful people that form a part of her life.

      Re your earlier comment, it always takes courage to let someone new into your life. Trusting your instincts is nearly always right. In any case, if it turns out to be a mistake, then it is just life’s way of providing you with an experience to learn from and move forward with… …which, by definition, means it wasn’t really a mistake at all!


  3. Wow Katie..
    So glad I clicked on this link..
    TLOTMLBDF here in person leaving a trail of gems in his wake..
    Not that I am surprised that you have hooked up with such a quote his own good self..he’s “something else indeed!” What a man!
    His comments on trusting ones instincts is so spot on.

    That aside I REALLY love this post.
    What is love?
    This is love.
    I’m going to copy and paste and keep this post somewhere safe to re-read when I am feeling lost or ‘confused’…

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