In the Hole


I would like to tell you that things have been fantastic since I’ve been living on my own, but frankly, I have struggled.

And in my struggle, my eating disorder has reared its ugly head. I have stopped listening to my hunger/satiety and instead been living off “lite’n’easy” frozen meals washed down with lashing of red wine. The low fat, low calorie fare topped up with mountains of  guilt and sadness has seen the worse binge episodes since September 09.

I thought I had recovered but it was all too easy to slip back into my old ways, even to the point of reverting to laxatives to compensate and watching my ankles swell up like some albino elephant.

My body is traumatised — I have dealt with cold sores, the flu and now thrush. I have stopped sleeping and have mysterious aches and pains. My body is screaming for me to listen to it.

So today, I started afresh. Back to listening to my body, back to eating what gives me pleasure over time, and back to facing my demons head on.

I am letting the thoughts of failure, disgust and disappointment take shape on this page so that I can let them go. I am beautiful, worthy and good enough to treat myself with love and respect. I am consciously choosing self care over self abuse just for today. Tomorrow can take care of itself.

→ photo : The Cleveland Kid

About KatieP

Embracing my midlife sexy while exploring modern love & relationships • Devoted to all things beautiful • Master of Arts in creative writing & non-fiction writing