[Guest Post] You Should Lose Some Weight

Please make welcome the lovely Katerina Edwards who is guest posting today.

you should lose some weight • katerina edwards

The moment I take off my clothes, the feelings of self-worthlessness creep in.

“I think you should lose some weight,” the massage therapist murmurs.

Her words hit me right in my fleshy, untoned, cortisol-bellied stomach, right in the most sensitive, guarded and protected part of my psyche. She sees my white, blubbery, red marked body and I am ashamed.

I have done many a mirror meditations, but still I’m not pleased with my body. I don’t like the way my thighs rub together, it’s uncomfortable. I don’t like the way my arms lack definition. I don’t like that my stomach sticks out over my pants. I don’t like that I have an extra chin in my videos. I don’t like my acne marks. I don’t like this, I don’t like that.

And most of all, I don’t like when other people don’t like how I look. I worry that in the midst of sex, my partner would become repulsed by me and pull away.

I know I am fat – curvy, thick, whatever you want to call it. I have known this since I was eleven years old.

That summer, as I approached puberty, I remember watching young models in their stylish clothing on television. I envied their svelte figures as I sat there munching on sour patch kids and soda pop. I realized then I was chubby. I didn’t want this, I wanted to be loved and appreciated like the girls on television.

That summer, I vowed that I would stop eating sugar and cookies and candy, and decided to ditch carbs. I was eleven years old, and my mother didn’t say anything.

By the time I was sixteen, I was anorexic. Two years after that, I went into recovery and gained weight. My whole basis of being lovable was shaken with every pound I gained.

“I think you should lose some weight.”

All of my focus for the past ten years has been to avoid these seven words, the words that I see devastating the women in my country and abroad. These words, cutting through all semblance of self-worth and self-esteem, had the power to turn me into a superficial artificial woman, striving for a plastic ideal, for a well sculpted, chiseled ideal of a woman.

The pain I feel is overwhelming. In a culture where body insanity is so rampant and afflicts the minds of the youngest among us, who is really safe from feelings of insecurity? If my massage therapist’s remark can send me back to my past, how can I ever be free of this prison?

During these past few months since the massage therapists remark, I’ve realized a few things. Despite how far I have come from the shadows of the eating disorder, I must remain vigilant in my resolve that I am worth more than my body fat percentage and BMI.

katerinahealthy

I have friends who love me, a partner who adores me, and more energy and health than I ever experienced being “thin”. My life is vibrant, expressed, and authentic – something I could not say when I was obsessed with calories, numbers, and scales.

My body and my life have gone through changes during my recovery, and they continue to. The self-respect I’ve gained in choosing to value my health over the sold ideal in the media is the thing that keeps me going even in the midst of “fat talk” around me and triggered memories from darker days.

katerinaedwardsAbout the author
Katerina is a self-empowerment coach who guides others into the fuller and more expressed lives they’ve been hungry for.
Blessed with the gift of seeing through bullshit, she helps unravel the web of lies and doubts that have been choking your creative spirit.         www.katerinaedwards.com

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You should lose some weight • katerina edwards

About KatieP

Embracing my midlife sexy while exploring modern love & relationships • Devoted to all things beautiful • Master of Arts in creative writing & non-fiction writing • Join the hottest group on FB → Sassy Ageless Women

4 thoughts on “[Guest Post] You Should Lose Some Weight

  1. Your post brought tears–and deep anger. As a massage therapist, I am truly horrified that you had this experience and that this massage therapist is allowed to touch people! She is a disgrace to the profession. It is difficult enough to allow ourselves the vulnerability of taking off one’s clothes, getting under the sheets, and opening touch, even in a therapeutic setting. Each beautiful client must be honored for their willingness to be vulnerable and deserves nothing less than to be loved unconditionally through the work. THAT is what heals. I realize that we draw people and situations to further our own growth, and I am happy for you that she catalyzed realizations in you, Katerina. However, I am really sorry that someone like that is in practice. <3

    1. I truly appreciate your support, Nan! This person was a bit self righteous, and told me that I should stop eating meat, etc. they had their own set of what is the right way to be and thing to do. I ve encountered it with many people, not just this massage therapist. It’s unfortunate how intolerant people can be!

  2. Katerina, I used to feel the same way about myself
    Repulsed by how big I was getting but now
    I look back with the confidence I have
    Achieved in myself. I’m happy being me.
    I’m now 30 pounds heavier than when I was
    In those photos where I was covering my fat
    Rolls. But it doesn’t matter to me now.
    My best friend helped me to realize it’s
    The inner beauty that counts and I love
    Myself now. Wish I had had this inner love
    So many many years ago

    Maybe it is what comes with age. Turning 40
    Was my liberation. Overnight, I decided to be
    Me and if “they” didn’t like it, then “they” didn’t
    Have to be around me. But “I” DID have to be
    Around me, so I learned to let up on my inner
    Negative voice.

    She’s tied up and gagged and stuff’t in a broom closet in the
    Back of my mind. Grin! It doesn’t mean she doesn’t
    Get the gag off every now and then but her voice
    Is much fainter now. Big hugs dear. Big hugs!

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