Holding on to my authentic self in the midst of an imperfect life
Just the Facts
- Katie Paul (KatieP)
- DOB 16 October 1964
- Born in New Zealand
- Sydney, Australia
- Blogging since August 2006
- Writer
- Photographer
- Filmmaker
- NLP Coach and Hypnotherapist
Some people say some decisions you make change the course of your life. I made two of those decisions exactly five years apart.
Food
In January 2005 I decided to lose weight. Instead of ending up with a smaller body I ended up with an eating disorder and a life of misery. I tried every diet known to man and competed in two Figure Competitions (2008/2009) and still couldn't manage to escape the starve/binge cycle that saw my weight bounce up and down. I hated my body and couldn't seem to find a way out of my self-inflicted diet and exercise hell.
I finally hit rock bottom in September 2009 and vowed that I would give up dieting the way an alcoholic gives up the booze. It took nearly two years but I can now say I am fully recovered.
Sex
Without the distraction of counting calories and spending hours in the gym I realised that my marriage of sixteen years was not going well. Over the years I had become a person I didn't recognise. I declared that living a lie was no longer an option and vowed to live an authentic life. I longed for the passion and excitement of true connection and spent a lot of time agonizing over staying with my husband or risking being alone for the rest of my life.
In the early hours of January 2010, with my morals clouded by champagne and the romance of New Years Eve, I kissed another man. Once that happened I knew my marriage was over and I moved out two months later.
Internet dating was my new obsession and in the space of two and a half weeks in March I dated twelve different men. I didn't want a relationship, I just wanted to hang out with someone who found me sexy and interesting.
The thirteenth date changed my perspective. I found a man who was completely at ease with the raw, chaotic, authentic me. Without warning, I fell in love. He is called Duckfish on this blog (and comments as Duckfish/TLOTMLBDF).
Death
In April 2010, my husband committed suicide after Duckfish and I had dated for little over a week. As a suicide widow I had to deal with the trauma of losing someone I had spent nearly twenty years with. I threw out nearly everything that I owned, moved in with Duckfish a couple of months later, changed my name, left my job and went back to University to do a Masters in Non Fiction writing. I am writing a book that covers some of these events in my life.
After all of this I came to realise that the secret to my recovery from both my eating disorder and my husband’s suicide was that I decided to write my own story, be true to my inner self and celebrate my imperfections. Life will always be imperfect, but you can always be perfectly you.
... a woman's song is her truth,
the sweetest song she can sing.
About You
So now that you know about me, I'd like to hear more about you. I'd be grateful if you'd introduce yourself in the comments below and tell me what you struggle with most when it comes to holding on to your authentic self in the midst of an imperfect life. Don't feel pressured to produce a novel, I just want to get to know you a bit.
{ 41 comments… read them below or add one }
WOW Katie! I wish you the best of luck on your “new” journey. I too am working hard at changing my sense of identity as well. I hope to find support here.
All the best to you too Trixie ~ I’m always here if you need me.
I am so thankful that I’ve found your blog. Into the google reader you go.
… and you’re already in mine
Congrats on getting better and recovering from your ED
Dana xo
http://happinessiswithin.wordpress.com/
love your blog, glad i found it!
So am I and Katie remember you are never alone as I have been there too way before you did x
Welcome Monica. So happy you are here. It’s fantastic to not feel alone.
Anytime Katie I can add something I will be here x
I just found your blog today and I’ve read your About Me page and I think two blog entries… and I’m HOOKED. Yay. You’re saying exactly what I need to be hearing right now. I love how the universe works like that (yeah, hippy shit, hehe). I was just having a conversation with my sponsor yesterday (different self-destructive path, same journey towards recovery) about how I work out as hard as I can and it’s still not good enough. I didn’t work hard enough. I ate too much whatever. Blah. I like the bracelet idea a lot and I’m going to try it. Anyway, thanks for putting yourself out there for people like me to find and relate and learn.
Hi Jen and welcome. I’m so happy you found my little corner of the internet — the Universe is magical.
Awesome work Katie; you know I’ve read your blog, probably since the beginning-and love it more today. Thanks for sharing! xoxo
Thanks Raechelle, I love having you around x
Since “WOW” has already been used, “FUCKING AWESOME” comes from me
. You are an inspiration to the world. Keep up the fantastic work gorgeous.
Thanks Sweetie, I couldn’t have done any of it without you cheering me on x
Katie, I’m a little confused. If you’ve given up dieting, and you no longer advise people on dieting, then why are there diet advertisements along the right side of your blog?
Hi Dawn
Thank you for your question.
If you are referring to the Paul McKenna, Andrea’s Answer and Marianne Williamson links — these are the people that helped me transition from dieting into a healthy relationship with food. They all have an intuitive eating approach that focuses on the unconscious mind and/or the spirit as the point of changing the way we think about food.
Thankfully I’ve reached a place where food isn’t central in my life but I’m still aware that it’s an issue for a lot of women who read my blog and these are the tools I recommend to start the journey to healing.
Thanks for explaining that, Katie. It’s still kind of bothersome to me that they are advertising “weight loss” as a goal, when it’s well established that weight loss is an ineffective way to gain better health–and is most often actively counterproductive. Still, it’s good to know that they’re at least talking about intuitive eating, which as you have experienced can help someone transition into a healthier relationship around food/weight/body. Stepping stones are definitely important on the road to health.
Dawn, I think people who are fat and miserable and searching for answers see ‘weight loss’ and get interested. If it said, ‘find your authentic self’ was the byline they may just keep on searching as they think they just need to lose weight and they will be happy.
Head, heart, health…. three of the majors that I am getting back on track after a long term roller coaster ride. I have just stumbled on your blog for the first time, drinking it in and loving it for all its rawness and honesty. Looking forward to reading and learning more. Thanks for sharing
Hi Sophie and welcome. I hope you find plenty of stories and information to enjoy x
Hi Katie,
I came and had a look around after You commented on my blog today. I’m curious, how did you find me?
a friend of mine recommendedyour blog earlier this week. When I clicked over, I didn’t realize that it was the blog she had recommended. Serendipity at work…
Have just subscribed to your blog. Love your ‘voice’.
Hi Vicky
You commented on my domestic violence post in the “Speak Out” campaign
http://head-heart-health.com/5555/health-lifeandsex/domestic-violence-without-the-violence/
When new people comment I put their blogs in my reader. That’s how I found you and I’m so glad I did x
Definitely serendipity at work! I felt that I ‘recognised’ the blog name, but couldn’t remember where…. Thanks for reminding me. I hadn’t forgotten you…you had just got smooshed up with everything else that went on that week…
Glad I found you again though.
Me too
OK, so here goes-
My parents were divorced by the time I was 2. My Mom’s been married two more times since (and divorced two more times). I spent time with my alcoholic father for a month every summer (he lived out of state), although it was really time spent by myself while he was at bars. At some point I recognized this and became very hurt that he wanted to drink the month away instead of spending it with me. I also became very angry. He stopped calling me during the rest of the year, when I would talk to him I’d cry and be hurt. At some point I decided to not care anymore. It was safer that way: if I didn’t care (open myself up) then I would not be vulnerable to hurt. This same thing held true for my Mom’s divorces. They couldn’t hurt me because I didn’t care. Well, really I did. I hold a lot of anger and resentment. I don’t have the sort of loving relationship with my husband because I default into being closed off. It sucks.
Thank you for being vulnerable with me, Katie.
Hey Melanee
What a painful story ~ it’s tragic how our childhood shapes our lives.
But I know you’re a warrior and a fighter. You see your learned behaviours and recognise you have to make a change. You’ve opened up to me so I know you can open up to your husband who will never intentionally hurt you.
For me, I know there will always be pain and closing off just makes it worse not better. I hope you find a way to gradually unfurl to the light.
Sending you much love
Katie x
I saw your link to Byron Katie Katie so I hope you won’t mine if I ask Melanee who she would act/who she would be without her childhood story? Drop the story and be that way with your husband, yourself, and everyone you meet.
Go right ahead Sheila — I love others points of view. I love Byron Katie too. Her approach is wonderful but it took me some time to work up to releasing the past. Thanks for your valuable input x
Yeah, me too! My past was pretty horrific. I’ve had to do The Work over and over on lots of stuff. It’s a constant thing. But the day it all fell away was amazing! I felt so light that I literally had to hold on to furniture or I felt I’d float away! Obviously there is still some inner work I need to do or I wouldn’t be fat!
The Uni-verse led me here so I know I need this! I have spent years abusing my body while reading every book published on how to be healthier. I am doing The Work of Byron Katie and other things to get past this nutty self hatred I have. I have a husband who loves me unconditionally but I don’t love myself. I’m getting there. I’ve stopped all deliberate attempts of self destruction. I know that my ‘inner’ self is pure LOVE and LIGHT and perfect. It’s just my body and mind I have issues with now.
Katie
Thank you for sharing your tough times. My tough times are not so much external but how I react internally to them. I am nearly 34 and never married or been with a man who wants to be with me for me. Lots of short term relationships mark my past. I’ve never really been in love and don’t think I ever will. I have suffered with anxiety and depression my whole life and am sick n tired of fighting for life when it constantly disappoints. What is the point of it all? Does it get better? I feel very alone and tired of being in this headspace often.
Roxy
Hey Roxy
I’m not an expert on anxiety and depression and if it’s impairing your ability to live a normal life I would recommend professional help.
What I do know is that the dark times don’t last forever as long as you continue to look for the light. I suggest starting a gratitude practice to focus your attention on the good things — write down five things at the end of each day you are grateful for.
I believe doing something you love or takes you out of yourself might help as well. Spend some time each day in an activity you enjoy — walking, dancing, drawing, taking photos — something that connects you with your physical senses rather than staying in your head.
Thank you for your comment and all the best ♥
What courage to share your whole story. What a moving story it is. Bravo.
Thank you Joyce x
Hi, I googled suicide widow and your video came up. January 12, 2011 the love of my life, my soul-mate and my best friend comitted suicide. My life as I knew it ended. I wrote a letter to him (never gave it to him, but he read it) saying very lovingly that we must say goodbye. He was not happy, and I knew in my heart that I could not make him happy. This was a letter that I was never gonna give to him, it is something that I wrote personally as I often write my personal feelings down to get my feelings out of me. Three days after I believe he read it (it was left out when I went to work) he ended his life. I have to say after a year and 2and a half months later your video is the only thing that I have connected to since. I have lost friends, I have lost my motivation for life. I am angered that ‘suicide’ is so taboo. I am not in Australia, I am in Canada. If there is one thing that I am passionate about… it is the need for open discussion for suicide and the after effects it causes. My best friend/soulmate did not feel he had options, I know this. And as a suicide survivor, my options feel less and less as time goes on, not of doing the same act but as life in general. I have no idea how to voice my silent screaming like you have and get this message out there that like car accidents or drunk driving that suicide is growing at an alarming rate and the pain that the loved ones feel afterwards are endless and heart-wrenching. Please, if there is anything I can do to on this side of the world to get the word out there, let me know. Much love.
Dear Sheri
I share your pain and feel it too. There are so many of us holding in our pain and “screaming silently”. I don’t know how to change the world … only how to speak up when others don’t feel they can.
You can do that do. Just keep talking.
Know that there was nothing you did or didn’t do that could have changed what happened. It is, what it is.
You are alive. You are breathing. Cherish every single moment and live life to the fullest.
I am sending love and light to you from across the water. If I can help in any way please let me know. x
OK, here is a bit about me..I like to think I had a nice childhood but I have often felt I wasn’t loved very much. Real love has just eluded me. The men I attract don’t appreciate my true virtues until the relationship ends and they see how much they lost and then they want to try again. But by then for me I’ve tried so much that it’s too late. I feel it’s hard connecting with people, I first appear to be an introvert but in reality am very outgoing. I have been told I am hard to get to know, but if they put in even a wee bit of effort to know me it is worth it. I do protect myself though, until I feel they are a sincere person, no easy task these days. I am working on trying to let people see more of the real me but often don’t because they seem to think it’s OK to tell me that I have the wrong idea of who I really am or who I should be. I describe myself as a free spirit. I have often felt I don’t fit in, but I am comfortable with being different. I want to thank you, Katie, as I have already found some new ideas in the things I’ve read that could help me not feel so afraid in letting people see the real me regardless of how it might turn out.
Patty.
Dear Patti
I think we’re all afraid to let people see our vulnerability — it means that we might get rejected or ignored which isn’t much fun. Put the price of intimacy is vulnerability and an intimate, deep heart-centred relationship is well worth the risk. Good luck on your journey. xx
Hi Katie
So glad that I found you via the Smile Chickie Facebook page.
Long Story very short – adopted which has led to lifelong issues with fear of rejection and abandonment issues, divorced from a man who thought it was easier to tell me that we are better friends than lovers than admit to me that he had cheated. The thing I struggled with the most after the divorce was my own sense of being a “woman” in my own right – I was no longer a wife and a partner so I felt like I had lost all identity that I had known. I am glad that I have found a page that provides such great support to women without the crap that is usually associated with self help types pages – thank you xx
Hi Julie and welcome. I love it that you found me ‘crap’ free
I look forward to getting to know you more.
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