10 Reasons Why Marriage is Not For Me


There is a popular blog post written by Seth Adam Smith Marriage isn’t for You saturating my Facebook news feed. Mr Smith, a Mormon, whose religion has a Law of Chastity1 which forbids pre-marital intimacy beyond kissing standing up, and teaches that marriages blessed in a Mormon temple will last not only until ‘death us do part’ but for all eternity, states:

“You don’t marry to make yourself happy, you marry to make someone else happy. More than that, your marriage isn’t for yourself, you’re marrying for a family. Not just for the in-laws and all of that nonsense, but for your future children. Who do you want to help you raise them? Who do you want to influence them? Marriage isn’t for you. It’s not about you. Marriage is about the person you married.”

If you read the comments below that post, you will realise not everyone agrees. I’ve come up with my own reasons why Mr Smith’s kind of marriage is not for me.

1. I am an independent, self-sufficient woman and I don’t need anyone else to make me happy. Being in a loving relationship with my boyfriend brings joy to my life, but I know I could be happy on my own.

2. I can’t control another person’s emotions. I’ve tried and it only ends in frustration, disappointment and resentment.

3. I don’t believe I need to be married to enjoy deep physical intimacy. It’s a right and a privilege available to all adult humans regardless of their marital status.

4. I don’t believe in relationships lasting for a life-time let alone eternity. When people change and love evaporates there comes a time when walking away is the most unselfish thing to do.

5. I believe monogamy should be a choice, not a rule. There are some instances where seeking sexual experiences outside a relationship is healthy and necessary (this idea is a whole ‘nother post).

6. I’ve never procreated and now it’s too late. If marriage is designed to create a family then it isn’t relevant for me.

7. I don’t need recognition from God, society or the government that I’m in a valid relationship.

8. Longevity doesn’t equal success. People who have been married for decades aren’t necessarily examples of what love should look like.

9.  I don’t want to be with someone who is focused on my wants, my needs, my hopes, and my dreams. I want him to pursue his own stuff. I want him to love me when I’m cranky, selfish and annoying, but I also want him to challenge me too — to laugh at my overreactions and call me on my bullshit. Love is living in the messiness and chaos of life, not trying to smooth each other’s imperfections into bland niceness.

10. I want the door to be open so that I know he is staying because he wants to, not because he has to.

marriage is not for me T

How do you feel about Seth Adam Smith’s take on marriage? Do you have a different idea about what marriage should look like? Do you believe in marriage at all?

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  1. “Before marriage, do not do anything to arouse the powerful emotions that must be expressed only in marriage. Do not participate in passionate kissing, lie on top of another person, or touch the private, sacred parts of another person’s body, with or without clothing. Do not allow anyone to do that with you. Do not arouse those emotions in your own body” From <http://www.lds.org/manual/gospel-principles/chapter-39-the-law-of-chastity>

About Katie Paul

Embracing my midlife sexy while exploring modern love & relationships • Devoted to all things beautiful • Master of Arts in creative writing & non-fiction writing • Join the hottest group on FB → Sassy Ageless Women

15 thoughts on “10 Reasons Why Marriage is Not For Me

  1. I saw the article and I understand the angle where Seth is coming from. I also read your blog post and understand where you’re coming from as well. I think the experience of marriage is largely dependent on your own history.

    I have been with my other half for 20 years, 17 of them married. Marriage has forced me to be unselfish, forced me to deal with my own bs (by being challenged by him) and also forced me to stand, rather than run (my natural instinct).

    We’ve sat in the muck of life together – the highs and lows, the joys and the disasters. There have been times where love has wavered and it’s all seemed rather pedestrian and then there are times of great closeness.

    Do I think a relationship can last forever? I don’t know, I haven’t been there. But I am very happy to have formalised my bond with my best mate, lover and father of our children. Yet at the same time, understand that not everyone has the same mostly positive experience, I have and this needs to be recognised.

  2. Wow Katie, this really resonates with me. I was always in the marriage forever camp….I believed it with my whole heart. Then my first marriage ended. I was shattered that the one that I thought would stay forever, well, didn’t. Then I found another. I thought HE was the one, he was certainly keener and more full on than first hubby. I was sucked in by it and I married him. 14 months later he walked out too. So, my thoughts on marriage now are highly coloured by these events. I truly love the thought of a partner for life, however I now believe that it is a rare gift.

    I love the feeling of companionship. But, being back single again, I am feeling happy in reclaiming my true self again. Which, if I’m honest, I’d started to lose the the effort to try and hold marriage no 2 together.

    I would love a loving, equal companion. The big thing there is EQUAL. I too am a strong woman and I do not need someone to make me feel worthwhile or complete. I want someone who wants to be with me by choice, not because of some duty. I know I can be (or am) intimidating (I’ve been told…:( ). Not that the whole being with someone because of a commitment made a difference in my marriages……neither of my husbands have ever worried about that anyway – as soon as it got hard, they walked away. Once they fell out of love/found another, that was it.

    I really enjoyed this post. I can relate to your sentiments in many ways.
    Carolyn xx

    1. Thanks for leaving a comment Carolyn. I have this whole other theory that we should view ‘failed’ relationships as successful ones. You had two marriages which worked while they worked and now you’ve moved on. Nothing to be ashamed of. You took the risk, invested 100% and did your best. In my books, the definition of success ♥

  3. Hmmm Katie,

    Like Liz I can understand where both you and Seth are coming from. I think however my circumstances would relate more closely to you….some differences though.

    One thing I will make clear, is that I value everyones views about this topic, as long as they don’t harm other people or are too rigid/judgemental about the ‘rights or wrongs’.

    I’ve never been married, have been in a couple of relationships, done a bit of dating, – a couple of nice dates and a few first dates I can almost rightfully call ‘duds’ for what I consider fair and valid reasons.

    To me I see myself as independent. I’d hate a guy to feel his job was to make ‘me’ happy, – instead that is my job! I would prefer to see a guy, or potential guy make themselves happy and if I can enjoy the experience/ride in anyway, then great! I’d hate to be dependent of a man.

    I like the idea of a relationship where both involved compliment eachother…but are not talked of as ‘my other half’. I’m me, on my own thank you lol!

    I would consider getting married if I had a partner where we both considered our relationship awesome on many levels…..attraction/drive/goals/how we get along/values etc and we both were keen for that. But honestly, marriage to me isn’t a priority, and I have lots of goals to put my money towards first! 🙂

    1. I agree that people’s opinions on relationships are as diverse as the relationships themselves. Whatever gets you through the night, as they say 🙂

      I guess I wouldn’t totally rule out getting married again if my partner wanted to, but I would have different expectations now — especially about the ‘until death us do part’ bit.

      Thank you for sharing your perspective.

  4. Very interesting points. I think the problem comes from seeing “ourselves” and “others” as two separate categories. Marriage is for both people, collectively. I really like your #9. Marriage (and love, and friendship, actually) is not about being subservient or doting. It is about helping each other grow.

  5. We are cut from the same cloth, those are all my reasons for shunning the idea of marriage. I’ve been told my belief in an open door and non monogamous relationships points to emotional lassitude and an unwillingness to “work” at a relationship. Love affairs shouldn’t be more “work” than joy. So yeah, call me lazy.

    Thanks for your honesty and sharing your journey.

    1. Thanks for your comment Laura. I must be lazy too because I don’t believe love should be ‘work’ either.

      I love your email name – edgyjunecleaver – SO brilliant x

  6. Withholding sex before getting wed – hmm, what if your partner is a dud in the bedroom rather than a stud??!! But seriously, each marriage is different – my first was vastly different from my current marriage in every single aspect – I stuck with my 1st for 15 years because I was taught that marriage lasts forever…. until I saw the light & moved on. After a spell being single I did remarry – 12 years together and so far so good! ???? Delight in whatever relationship makes you happy – life is too short to be miserable.

  7. Funny, I agree and live every point… and that’s why my marriage survives. Married or single., ultimately my job is to be the best woman I can be. My husband and I give each other space to be independent strong people, and so we are partners, lovers by choice, and friends who choose to stay with each other everyday.

  8. I am right there with you on all but number five. I do believe that if you are going to make a commitment to be in a relationship with someone, then make that commitment. If not, then why call it a relationship if one or both partners is just going to screw around. In a relationship, the two people either work through their issues, sex included, or they split up. For me, it’s that simple. Number six is a yes and no for me because I know many married couples who don’t have kids and I had my first child before getting married but I did eventually marry my ex-husband because I was raised to believe it was the proper thing. I know better now though. I love number 9! That one is my favorite because when I am ready to look for someone new, I want him to be someone who loves all of me, good and bad, and I want him to be someone who challenges my way of thinking and I do the same for him. To me, that’s what makes two people equals. I no longer believe in marriage though and I get a lot of doubt from family and friends. I think it’s because I’m a woman so I’m supposed to want to be married but it’s something I learned about myself about being married: That I’m not the marrying kind. Another great post! You make people think! visiting from #weekendblogshare

  9. Different strokes for different folks. After three marriages – I can’t say I am against it really! This is my third and I have never been so content. We were 45 when we met and both very happily living alone. We met one night at a music event and when he asked for my number I was really protective of my lifestyle. I made it clear that I was not looking for a serious relationship and he was quick to say neither was he. But within a year and 10 days, we shocked a LOT of people by getting married. We just knew we had both finally found each other. Making it legal will make it easier for our combined family to deal with our properties when we die. But beyond that, we don’t need a piece of paper to cement our relationship because we both feel like we finally found home with each other. And we never refer to ourselves as ‘the other half’ – we had both worked on being whole before we met and nothing will change that. Good strong relationships are what matter – being married does not make a weak relationship stronger or bullet proof.

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