Hi Katie
My life in short………I’ve been with the same man for 16 years, since I was 19. I love him, but have never been in love with him. Before him I was only with one other person, and it was an abusive relationship. When I met my current husband I went against my gut instinct that the relationship didn’t feel right because I didn’t trust my gut after the earlier abusive relationship. My husband is a caring, loving, honest, understanding man. He is my best friend. Unfortunately I don’t want to have sex with him. I never have. It has been uncomfortable and awkward from the start. I have asked my husband for a separation several times over the years and we have been in marital counselling for many many many years. Also, we have a 4 1/2 year old son.
I recently reconnected with an old friend and we started talking on the phone and that led to dirty talk. I felt more physically over the phone with him than I ever have with my husband. I met him for lunch and we kissed (and I may have touched him a bit). It was the most amazing feeling ever. I don’t want to die without having that feeling again. Well shockingly he told me that he didn’t want to get in the middle of my separation and doesn’t want to talk to me any more. I am absolutely devastated. I can’t stop thinking about him, I mean obsessing about him. I want that feeling back so badly.
My husband noticed that I was more distant than usual, and asked me why. I was 100% honest with him and asked for another separation. After hours of talking with him somehow we decided to try and figure the sex thing out and try and recreate what I felt with this other man. The problem is we don’t know how or where to start. Also, I can’t stop obsessively thinking about the other man.
I’m hoping that you might have some sort of advice for me.
Please help, I feel like I’m going fucking crazy! I can’t concentrate on anything!!!!
Amy
Dear Amy
Almost sixteen years into my marriage, I too had a relationship with another man (AM). And like you, I didn’t have any kind of erotic sexual relationship with my husband. I told myself that a sexless marriage wasn’t unusual, that many couples lost something along the way. It wasn’t until I experienced passionate desire outside my marriage that I realised what I was missing. Being with AM was like taking a long cool drink of water after years of trudging through the desert.
My relationship with AM was never going to be anything more than an affair, and although he didn’t push me away, he still went home to his wife and children at the end of every time we were together. I understand the pain of wanting someone you can’t have.
You ask how to re-ignite your sexual relationship with your husband. Your marriage counsellor probably has given you tons of advice already but I’m guessing none of it is working. It strikes me that you’re not looking for something you’ve lost, but trying to create a passionate sex life you’ve never had.
I thought if I could transfer my desire for OM to my husband, then our problems would be over. One night when my husband came home from work, I was waiting for him wearing sexy lingerie and six-inch heels. I had lit dozens of tea-light candles in the bedroom. We didn’t end up making love that night because he couldn’t get an erection. It was the worst sexual experience I’ve ever had. It was the last time we were together.
If you and your husband weren’t passionate, sensual and loving early on in your relationship, trying to develop that now, after years of problems, familiarity and strain, is an impossible goal. Sadly, what our heads want and what our bodies and hearts want are often two different things.
I’m not saying you should leave your husband, only you can decide if that’s the right decision. What I am saying is you have to weigh up what is important to you, what makes you come alive, and what gives your life meaning. Your husband might not be capable of connecting with you on a deep emotional and physical level. He might be loving you the best way he knows how. Only you know if that’s enough.
Stay strong and take good care of yourself.
Love Katie x