This post is part of the Speak Out campaign.
I don’t have a right to talk about domestic violence. Well not the kind you’re thinking about anyway. The only domestic violence I knew about was something I saw in advertisements — women being pushed up against the wall, fists being thrown, men screaming obscenities at their wives, and forced sex.
None of that happened to me. But I was still the victim of domestic violence and the most painful part is that I let it go on for too long.
If he had hit me, I would have left in a heartbeat. Because he hurt me in ways that didn’t leave marks, I stayed.
When we marry someone we have no idea who they really are. After the shine of lust and romance is dulled by time and routine, what lies underneath is sometimes frightening. My husband was just an average guy. If you met him you would think he was completely normal with a decent job and the usual interests of most males. But you wouldn’t see what he was like after a few beers, after a boring day, after he didn’t get his own way.
My husband’s weapons were anger and silence. He plunged the knife of disapproval repeatedly into my heart. Nothing I did was ever good enough, was never loving enough and was never right. Month after month, year after year he told me I was a bad person. I was lucky that he stayed with me, no-one else would. If it wasn’t for him, I’d be alone. If I didn’t behave the way he liked, he wouldn’t talk to me.
The excuses I made were many — a rough patch, for better for worse, intimacy doesn’t matter, other women are worse off, it’s the best I can hope for…
All lies.
If the person you are with doesn’t marvel at how wonderful you are, inspire you to be a better person and loves you most when you are at your worst, then you need to leave. Anything less than love and support is abuse. It will wear away at you until you become a shadow of who you were and who you might become.
Don’t say you’re not abused because he doesn’t hit you. You’re abused if you can’t feel any warmth in your heart.
Domestic violence is not only the stuff you see on TV, it’s when your dreams are smashed and your soul is kicked by the person who’s meant to love you.
Ξ
{If you’re new here, read more of my story here.}
Read More Stories Below
Can very much relate to this one, and for me the true nasty came out after I finally decided I want going to put up with it any longer. A threat of suicide as his life was no longer worth living to me is not a romantic notion especially from someone who has lived with you through the deaths of both your father and brother to suicide. What made the situation harder was that wer have a child together, and yes he still to this day uses him to manipulate and screw with my head, early on in our separation making the comment that “if I didn’t take him back then I wouldn’t be able to have our son back” as to get out of the situation I was in I had to let my son go with him, was the safest option at the time and I never felt he would harm his boy, it is a big regret in my life but at the time I wasn’t strong enough to fight, however I am now! Thanks again Katie for speaking out the truth!
Hi Felicity — don’t regret something you had no control over — you did the best you could at the time with the experience and resources you had. It looks like you learned how to be strong and fight which is a wonderful lesson.
Ah truth … my favourite thing ♥
Wow Katie, what a powerful post. Emotional abuse leaves lifetime scars. So many women rationalize what’s going on and blame themselves. But what you said is spot on, if you don’t feel any love or warmth from them…time to take a good, hard look. Thanks for speaking out today. x
Thank you Kristin for a brilliant campaign. I am proud to be a part of it.
How amazing are we? To speak out? To shout it… to put a voice to it. To declare STOP!
love and light from a fellow traveller… xx
Hi Vicky — our shared experience gives us strength.
I am so glad to have found/met you x
Thank you so much for writing and sharing this. I think it is important that all kinds of abuse are named and put out there. I have heard often from the people I mentor, friends, chosen family and others that emotional abuse is usually the hardest to get over because it impacts your self esteem and challenges your ideas of yourself. I still refer to myself as useless and worthless long after the words were said. I still think I am stupid and question whether I am good enough.
Thank you for having the courage to speak up.
Thanks Lexi — you are awesome, please believe that. What another person says about you is all about the way they see themselves and the world and not about you.
Thank you for your lovely words, Katie. They really inspired me.
You’re more than welcome ♥
Yes, it’s so true that abuse is not just physical. My ex boyfriend (from many years ago now), verbally abused me-and scared the shit out of by telling me things like “If you ever leave, I’ll kill you”. He did get rough occasionally-a grab here, a hand around my throat once or twice during a fight-but I never had external bruises. And why did I stay? Well, he loved me, right? He must-to make such a threat like that; I was so young, naive and insecure. We need to teach girls (and women) that this is not love; it’s control.
“Not love; it’s control” — well said Raechelle
So very true and beautifully written <3
Thanks Kate — I appreciate your comment so much.
Insecurities are like a mirror – so much of this non violent abuse is down to lack of self worth being deflected. So sad. A powerful post – thank you.
I totally agree Lucy. Thanks for your insight.
Thank you for sharing your story and speaking out. Love and hugs. Here from the Speak Out link.
Thank you for stopping by and sending love ♥
Yup, I know the thing. I was in a relationship for five years with a guy that would go silent and moody. I blamed myself. I remember one day when we were in the pub, just having a beer and he would not talk to me, something going on in his head. Then some friends of ours turned up and he was all talkative, happy. Once they left he reverted to uncommunicative. I admit, it was an affair with my current guy that got me out of that situation. The Programmer (my blog name for my man of 13 years now) is not perfect, but I’ve learned that perfect is not necessary and probably not even possible. I’d rather have someone that wears their imperfections loudly and visibly and communicates as if I have a right to know what he is thinking, than someone that requires a psychic to know what is going on. OMG, I just admitted to past infidelity in a blog comment. Meh….
I’d rather have someone that wears their imperfections loudly and visibly and communicates as if I have a right to know what he is thinking, than someone that requires a psychic to know what is going on.
Precisely!!
You don’t have to be physically hurt to suffer in a relationship. I’m glad that you got out and can speak out about your time.x
Emotional pain hurts just as much as physical pain and heals slowly. Thank you for leaving a comment x
So many victims, so many voices. It is only by sharing that we can let others know what is okay, and what is not. Thank you xo
Using our voices to speak the truth is what makes a difference. Thank you for your support.
I certainly wish I had the strength I have now “back then”. However I did leave my last relationship for the reasons you speak of –
“If the person you are with doesn’t marvel at how wonderful you are, inspire you to be a better person and loves you most when you are at your worst, then you need to leave. Anything less than love and support is abuse. It will wear away at you until you become a shadow of who you were and who you might become.”
That certainly was me. I have now been single for 2 years, and I am just realising how wonderful that can be. It’s actually ok to be single.
I was looking forward to being single myself but the Universe had other ideas. I guess being in a tough marriage for so long made me lonely so I was overdue for some loving attention.
Enjoy your solitude and freedom while you have it x
I feel like I’m reading my own story. If he had hit me, I’d have left him in a hearbeat. But he didn’t and I didn’t even realise what was going on until long after we weren’t together anymore. I am truly hoping that someone else would also read your post and recognise themselves in it. Even just knowing makes a world of difference.
Hey Tat
I agree it’s so hard to notice what’s going on when you’re right in the middle of things. And we always think we’re so alone … sadly, there are many women like us who take the abuse and think it’s normal. I hope you’re right and this post helps shine a light on being emotionally battered.
I’m sending this post to someone who needs to hear this message… so many women need to hear and KNOW IT. Thank you so much for this blog!
Thank you for being here Celynne.
Wow!
You are so right Katie, when you say that when a person does not appreciate your worth & puts you down all the time, it eats away at your soul until you feel like a shadow of the person you once were – such insightful & sad words which resonate with me when I think about my previous relationships & all the crap I took from them. Sometimes, if you are with the wrong person you can feel more lost & lonely than if you were actually on your own.