I asked you what it was that you struggled with in my last post.
I am deeply honoured that many of you chose to reveal your deepest fears to me and the readers who gather here. Thank you. I wish I could wave a magic wand and make everything all right for you. But my wand is missing. I think it fell down the back of the couch or the next door neighbour’s dog ate it.
As no men left a response I’m going to make an assumption about the women who visit here. At the root of our problems we are all frightened that we aren’t good enough —
we think we are not successful enough (I need the right career)
we think we are not caring enough (I’m always giving until there is nothing left)
we think we are not attractive enough (I need to be fit/healthy/slender/younger)
we think we are not loveable enough (I’ll always be alone, my family wouldn’t love the real me)
It is not enough for me to tell you that none of that is true. It is not enough for you to know that you’re doing the best that you can. None of that makes a difference when the voice in your head whispers to you just before you go to sleep that you need to be richer, more nurturing, more beautiful and more loved than you are now.
Every woman can discover that she is all she needs to be by living from her heart. But why is that so difficult?
It’s difficult because we are dealing with intangible things like thoughts and emotions. How do you tame the wind … how do you know when it’s been tamed?
So this time my question is different. If I was looking at a version of you who had all her issues sorted what would I see that would convince me that you knew that you were good enough? What does a woman completely comfortable in her own skin do, have or say.
Think of all those women you admire/envy. What do they do, have or say that convinces you they are worth aspiring to?
It’s not a trick question. I’m not here to point out what you want is something you already have because that isn’t true. Instead, I’m asking you to describe your perfect outcome in concrete terms.
So let me know in the comments below. Please describe the woman you want to be in terms of what she has, does or says. Oh and let me know if I’ve got it entirely wrong and your struggle isn’t with not feeling good enough after all.
PS: Why am I doing this? … I’m tracking your present state and your future state and working on a map that will get you from here to there. There’s no use me creating a way to get from Sydney to Brisbane if you are in Perth and want to go to Adelaide.
Yes-you hit the nail on the head; about not feeling we are good enough. In answer to the question-about a woman who is completely comfortable in her own skin….the women that I admire are often women that I don’t know, (women in history or in the media etc.) so I don’t really and truly know what is going on behind the scenes. But they at least “seem” to do exactly what they want and go after whatever they set their minds to. They seem smart and confident and utilise their time on earth rather than waste it. If they want something done they do it. I can honestly say this is something that I am working at each day-I have a list of things I want to do or want done and I am crossing something off that list each day-and it feels damn good! 🙂 I don’t know if that was helpful-but that’s what came to my mind. cheers!
Very helpful, thanks Raechelle. I can’t wait to talk with you on Monday x
me too! 🙂
Like Raechelle said, I think your insight is spot on, Katie. Everything probably boils down to not feeling like we are good enough just as we are. On one hand, I think life is about maturing and progressing, but we (or at least I) beat ourselves up when we don’t get it “right”, when we don’t match some impossible standard, or we don’t do it fast enough.
The woman I want to be is incredibly confident in herself. She’s kind, caring, and loving, but really doesn’t care what others think of her and knows that when a person is hurtful they are acting from a place of pain and so she extends compassion rather than anger, frustration, etc. She understands herself and her emotions very well. She knows how to nurture and heal herself and doesn’t reach to food for comfort. She’s ambitious and a go-getter, but in a sane way. She loves herself unconditionally and because of that, she is able to do all things with love. She lives a healthy life, meditating, reflecting, reading. She is a health coach and a teacher. She doesn’t need a man, but she’s got an amazing one by her side and they help each other each day to grow into the people they really are.
Beautiful words Grace. I am sure you are already becoming that confident woman.
Thank you Katie <3 I suppose I probably am : )
I love this post Katie! I think the issue you point out is where all problems stem from; never feeling good enough. The woman I want to present to the world would be confident, comfortable in her own skin, not needing to impress or please so she’ll be liked; she would take risks – perhaps find a new job – she would be fearless (for the most part); she would socialize more because if people ended up judging her when they got to know her, that would be their problem; i.e. whether her apartement was fancy enough, large enough, decorated just right, whether she had matching china, and all that crap that we occupy our minds with just to please others and make an impression. She would not be afraid to speak her mind, she would not ever settle; she wouldn’t be ashamed that her educational pedigree doesn’t match up to what people perceive; she would simply be confident that she is wonderful just as she is. She wouldn’t worry about saying something dumb, she would let her voice be heard and she would realize that she deserves to be pleased as well. I know women like this and I love and admire them as friends; they think I’m great – why don’t I believe it? Thanks Katie; your work continues to inspire, help, and amaze me!
I’m hearing you describe the freedom to inhabit yourself fully and completely without the need of the approval of others. You describe the true essence of femininity. Beautiful!
Its been touched on already but I want to become the woman that really really doesn’t care/worry/think about what others think of me.
It takes a huge chunk of my energy daily that would be so much more productive given to the things that are really importent to me.
*tears welling up* I know this would change my life totally, I just cant seem to find a way to do it. I will keep trying.
It’s so hard when we live our lives waiting for approval for others. My mother still doesn’t like who I am and wishes I was different. At some point I stopped worrying about it, but isn’t easy I know. Hugs to you beautiful super woman xxx
This is definitely at the root of my problems. The problem is, I don’t know what someone who really feels they are good enough (and doesn’t just say so as a way to inflate their ego like I used to) would think or feel.
Basically all I know is that the women who I think have this quality are all really damn happy. They talk about painful things that happened in the past and it doesn’t seem to hurt them or make them think life is unfair (how?). They never seem to fail at anything since they brim with unending positivity, which magically draws things to them. Even if they’re not as good at what they do as I am, they’re always worlds more successful.
I don’t understand it, and try as I might to just “love everything” so I’ll be happy and get what I want, it really doesn’t work… so I become resentful and loving everything is impossible.
Hi May
Thank you for sharing your thoughts here. Perhaps the key is in your last sentence … “try…to just “love everything” so I’ll be happy and get what I want”. To me, the act of giving unconditional love is not expecting anything in return. It’s more about making the other person feel loved and opening up to whatever happens.
Thanks again for being so open and honest ♥
Thank you for replying Katie <3
I know I shouldn't be expecting anything in return, and that's the problem. The only reason I want to give unconditional love is to recieve happiness, well-being, success etc. I mean I love seeing the people I love feeling happy, but even that's a form of self-gratification I think. I don't understand how I am supposed to do this selflessly when the very reason I'm interested in it is for my own happiness, not the happiness of others. Even now I'm thinking "okay, if I drop expectations and open to whatever is happening, that will get me happiness, success and fulfillment, right?" I just can't actually drop the expectations, because I'm expecting to get something from dropping them. It's a paradox, and I'm left wondering how anyone ever gets out of a trap like this.
The only idea that springs to mind is to spend more time with the people you love spending time with and doing the things you love. The more you focus on what makes you come alive, the less you will search for what you feel is missing. You already have some happiness in your life, some times when you do feel good enough so put your attention there.
I’m not sure if you’ve read my e-book The Love Matrix Project but you might find some answers there http://katiepaul.org/free-e-book/
All the best
K x